The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 10, Issue 19, 9 August 1902, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES.

Dear Mr Editor, —An’ so they fined me frind Mr McKenzie Is wid 7s coshts, for shtandin’ on the futpath an’ not. movin’ on whin towld. What shtruck me most about the business was the considerateness av Mr McCarthy, the magistrate. Sea he : “The court is satisfied there is no rudeness on the part of the constable other than unconsciously placing his hand on a lady’s shoulder. This is an act of familiarity which constables should forbear repeating when dealing with females they do not intend to arrest, and indeed have qo power to arrest.” Now ye see he might aisily have said they musht nivir lay their hands on a woman at all at all, but knowin’ they’re not on duty all the time he gave them a little latitude, an’ the craythurs can casht a sheep’s eye on a gyrul wance in a way widout gettin’ into throuble. But afther this I’m thinkin’ they’ll be very hard to get on aisy terms wid —they’ll be like the dog that Pat sold. Ses the buyer:— ‘ Didn’t you tell me that dog wouldn’t bite anyone he knew ? ‘ True for ye ; but the baste is terribul hard to get on spakin’ terms wid.’ * * Whin Katie told me the result av the case, ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘ the nixt thing ye’ll hear av they’ll be havin’ Mr Neil up for false pretinces.’ ‘ How’s that ?’ ses Katie, ‘ isn’t his pills all that they claim to be ?’ 4 Av coorse they are,’ ses I, ‘ but ye see he’s got a sign up on the verandah, ‘ dining rooms,’ an’ behind it there’s nothin’ but a cycle shop, thereby decavin’ the public, Katie.’ 4 Not a bit av it, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ sure they cudn’t be more deeaved than they are now in the matter av mutton. For me own part I’d as soon dine aff Jones R.W.J. tyres as the mutton that we’ve bin gettin’ lately. They musht be sindin’ all the besht stuff Home an’ killin’ aff some av the sheep that ould Mr McNab brought over to stock the coucthry wid manny years ago.’ * *

An’ so tlie town council has given the Battalion Band £25 to play so manny tunes an’ times. They’re not like an ould counthry woman av mine who was waited on by a deputation from a brass band that wanted so much to clear their instruments. She didn’t bear very well, an' so she towld thim to wait a minute, an’ thin came back wid a packet av polishin’ paste, sayin’— ‘ 1 hope that’ll brighten thim up. I’ve used it mesilf on me pots an’ pans wid the best av results.’ ‘ Did they take it; father ?’ ses Bedalia. ‘ History doesn’t say, acushla,’ ses I, ‘ but I’m thinkin’ they’d be as much surprised as the mother that axed a dochtor about her baby, an’ was towld that if raw milk didn’ agree wid the infant she was to boil it. * * * I’m towld that good farm hands are becomin’ scarce, an’ that whin wan is lavin’ a place he has half-a-dozen settlers on his thracks in no time. There’s me frind Dan Phillips av the East Road, for instance, bailed me up the mornin’ afther the grate euchre party, an’ axed me if I end sind him out an intilligent man, as he wanted a good farm hand. I towld him I cud recommind him a first-class gossoon. ‘ls he an intilligent boy, Denis,’ ses he. ‘ Well,’ ses I, •* all the naybours ses he is, for whin he was a little thing in his mother’s arms she tuk him to the World’s Fair at Chicago, an’ saw all the sights av the city.’

Afther cornin’ home ses Mrs McGee to her, ‘ So ye’ve come back, Mrs Murphy, afther seein’ all your fine relations in Chicago.’ ‘ I have thin,’ ses Mrs Murphy. 1 An’ how did ye get on there, Mrs Murphy.’ ‘ Well, now, to till ye the truth it was terribly affronted I was wid that brat av a boy Barney.’ * Arrafa, go away wid ye, an’ him such an intilligent cray'thur.’ ‘ That was just the throuble,

Mrs McGee. Ye see we wint to a menagerie, an’ whin we came to the monkeys Barney all at wance set up a hullabaloo, an’ nothin’ I cud do ’ud pacify him.

A gintleman came forward, an’ ses he, ‘ What’s wiong wid your son, ma’am,’ whin Barney shtopped cryin’ an’ ses he, pointin’ to a big baboon in a cage, ‘ Luk there, sorr, they’ve arrested me daddy again.’ I declare to yon, Mrs McGee, I thought the ground ’ud have opened an’ swallowed me.’ Dan laffed, an’ ses he, ‘ Sind Barnev out till I have a luk at him.’

Well, I lukt up Barney an’ sint him out, tellin’ him that Dan was very particular as to the kind av bhoys he kept. So out he wint, an’ whin he got there, ‘ who sint ye,’ sea Dan. ‘ A man by the name av Denis,’ ses Barney. ‘ That’s right,’ ses Dan, ‘ now are ye acquainted wid cows.’ ‘ I am that,’ ses Barney. ‘ Well, now,’ ses Dan, lukin’ him up an’ down wid that janial shmile av his, an’ pushin’ his hat to the back av his head, ‘ Can you till me which side av a cow ye sit down to milk at.’ ‘ The outside,’ ses Barney. ‘Yon’ll do,’ ses Dan, ‘ go home an’ bring out your goloshes, an’ I’ll get a permit from tbeinshpector av factories an’ insure your life wid Findlay, or Mitchell, or Scandrett, an’ get ye vaccinated, an’ get Kenny Cameron to disinfect ye against tuberculosis.’ *** Wan av me frinds, who is a grate rader av the papers, sint me a paragraph out av wan av the Dunedin journals to the effect that the secretary av the Royal Waimumn Gold Dredging Company had been stopped for want av coal. # * * Me frind thinks this is funny, an’ so it is, but its not nearly so droll as the antics av some other companies that cud be named. They get a fine dredge, an’ all the resht av it, an’ ten or twelve thousand pounds av capital, an’ thin little or no gold is forthcornin’, an’ the min in the swim put their heads together, an’ they reconstruct an’ buy the dredge, an’ lave a lot av the ould shareholders out in the cold, an’ thin the papers say that the company is shtronger than ivir after gettin’ rid av the wake shareholders that cudn’t pay anny more, an’ lo an’ behold ! the dredge that before cudn’t get more than the matter av a few ounces a wake scoops np over a hundred ounces a wake under the new system av things. * * * I’m av the same mind as the Secretary av War at Home, whin he ses that horses are not immoral, but may be the cause av immorality in min. So wid dredges, Mr Editor. They’re as pure as the driven snow, but as for some av the min connected wid thim the less said the betther. If they ivir had anny morality they said good-bye to it long ago. * *

‘ Well but,’ ses Katie, who’s the great woman for interruptin’, ‘ cudn’t the ould shareholders have taken up shares in the new companies, Denis.’ ‘ They cud, Katie, me wise woman,’ ses I, ‘ but they’re not built like wan av your fellow - eounthrymin. In walkin’ over a plank sidewalk whilst counting some money he dropped a penny which rolled into a crack between two of the planks. He was much put out, and continued on his way, grumbling audibly.

Early next day a friend, while walking walking by the spot, discovered the Irishman in the act of deliberately dropping a shilling down the same crack. The friend was, of course, much astonished, and desiring to learn why Pat should throw away money, asked him his reasons, and received the following explanation ‘ It was this way,’ ses Pat. 4 It’s yesterday I was passin’ this way when I lost a copper down that hole. Now, I rasoned that it wasn’t worth me while to pull up that sidewalk for a copper, but last night scheme struck me, and I am dropping down the shilling to make it worth me while.’ So ye see, Katie, share-

holders that have loaht their pennies are not goin’ to sind their shillings i the same way.’ ' * * * ’Twas the grate day Katie an’ Bedalia had at the ploughin’ match on Wednesday. Katie whin she came back ’ud talk av nothin’ but the way Miss Rowley av Avondale an’ Mrs McPherson av Otautau rode afther the hounds. ‘Sure,’ ses she, ‘ I wish Gapt. Gardner cud have seen the way his daughter tuk the fiuces, an’ how she wint for the three jumps an’ the high jump. Whin she thried the high jump an’ the horse got his head under the pole twice in succession, an’ shtill she shtuck to the job, ye shud have heard the cheers that wint up —och, Denis, but she’s a chip av the ould block if ivir there’s wan.’ ‘ Av coorse she is, Katie,’ ses I, ‘ but were no min there at all, at all.’ ‘ Why, to be sure there was, Denis. Didn’t I hear wan man axin’ another if he’d seen National Mortgage Brown, an’ another wanted to know if New Zealand Loan Black was on the ground, an’ thin there were cries for Reid and Gray Galt, an’ och, talkin’ av men, Denis, ye shud have seen me frind Pat Crow an’ his horse. Where on earth he raised it from none av me rightly knows, but ’twas the fun av the world to see the pair av thim. The craytur wudn’t jump the height av wan av the hounds, but Pat turned him back iviry time wid a do or die luk in his face that filled the crowd wid admiration. Faix if he charged the Boers in the same fashion ’twas no wonder they gave him a wide berth.’

Sure wonders ’ull nivir cease, Mr Editor. I heard the other day that me frind Mr Elliot, the cooper, has been gracely puzzled av late at the number av orders he’s been gettin’ for shmall casks. At first he thought that his customers were afraid that prohibition was close at hand an’ wanted to provide against a rainy day, but the character, weight, an’ shtandin’ av his patrons put that iday out av coort, an he had to luk round for some other solution av the problem. It was lift to Oorney to discover it, an whin Katie an’ I had done talkin’ about it, ‘ Sure, father, ses he, I can tell ye why Mr Elliot is gettin’ so manny orders for quarter casks. It tells ye all about it in the Windsor Magazine. There is an article there called ‘ Tub-rollin’ as an exercise,’ an’ its the latest system for reducin’ ,a man’s weight. Ye see, ye get a cask, an’ ye first av all rowl it about under ye on the floor. Thin ve rowl it over ye, thin ye howld it up in your arrums, thin betwane your fate, an thin ye get on it sideways—in fad there’s no ind to the movemints ye can get out ay it. ’Tis the grate thing for pullin’ a man down. Wan man that used to weigh as much as seventeen stone tuk aff five or six stone afther a few wakes’ practice. They say the new system is catchin’ on, an’ goin to take the place av ping pong, an’ wan av these days ye’ll see hostesses lay in’ in a j supply av casks for their guests.’ ‘ Some av thim do that now, Denis,’ ses Katie, dryly. ‘ Aiay, woman,’ ses I, ‘ till I shpake. ’Tis the grate potentialities there is in this same thing, as me frind Todd ses about Stewart Island as a gold field, an’ wan av these days ye’ll see the Corporation, inshtead av gettin’ a shtame roller for the shtreets, invitin’ a band av our tub-rollers to work their passages along Dee an’ Tay shtreets.’ ‘An’ that’s not all, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ for I hear that there’s a .movemint on fut to get Sir Robert Stout to resign the Chief Justiceship in order to lade the Opposition in Parliament, and that a cablegram has gone to Mr Seddon tellin’ him to hurry back, an’ to go in for tub-rollin’ on the way, so as to be fit to meet his old foe.’ ‘ Whin he does there’ll be wigs on the green, Katie,’ ses I. ‘ How will Dick get on, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ All right,’ ses I. ‘ He’ll be like the candidate at an engineerin’ examination whin axed— ‘ If you were laying a railway, and you came across a river with a very steep, rocky bank, how would you proceed P After some

time bad passed, and heads had been scratched, one fellow said —‘ Oh ! dam. the river and blast the rocks !’ He was right, and passed, flying.’ Denis.