The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 10, Issue 17, 26 July 1902, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —Och, but ’fcwaa the quare dhrame I had the other night afther cornin’ home from the lodge. How it happened nivir a bit av me knows, but there I was hobnobbin’ quite free an’ aisy wid Mrs Minerva, the lonely craythur that kapes guard over the Athenaeum. i Good evenin’ Denis,’ ses the goddess. 4 Good evenin’ to you kindly,’ ses I. 4 Ye musht have aften thought me cowld an’ distant, Denis,’ ses she, ‘ but the fact is I’ve been afraid to shtop ye before in case ye’d be charged wid obstructin’ the thoroughfare.’ ‘l’ll go bail I won’t be this time, annyway,’ ses I, falin’ curious to know what the lady wanted to sphake about, an’ begorra ’twasn’t long in doubt I was. * # * ‘ ’Twas the grate sell I got the other night, Denis,’ ses she. ‘ I was lukin’ round the corner, an’ up Esk shtreet, an’ what shud 1 see but some policemen carryin’ baskets av something out av the Commercial Club an’ across to the police station. At first I thought that as the dog show was cornin’ on again, they were gettin’ ready to have a night wid Tim Howard an’ his fiddle, for, Tim, as ye know, Denis, is a mashter hand wid the king av instrumints, whinivir he leaves his castle beyant Orepuki, an’ ye know he’s fond av dogs as well. But ’twas all a mishtake* Denis, for the min were takin away grog that they had seized in the Club, an’ there’s to be a coort case an’ all the resht av it. The Club paple hold that they have a right to kape a supply av liquor for their mimbirs, an’ they’ve laid in a fresh shtock, an’ towld the police all about it into the bargain ; but from what the cabmen and other paple do be sayin’, the wonder is why the police waited more than seven years before takin’ action, for the Club’s nivir made anny aacret av havin’ the dhrink there —for mimbirs only, d’ye mind me, Denis. Av coorse if they sowld it that ’ud be a horse av another colour.’ ‘ Thank ye, ma’am, for ye’re information,’ ses I. ‘ I rade the Invercargill daily papers, an’ naythur av thim said where the seizure was made, an’ paple have bin wonderin’ why whether ’twas to spare the falins av the police or the Club they can’t be sure.’ The goddess gave a shwate metallic laff, an’ thin ses she, ‘ don’t put it down to delicacy av falin, Denis. ’Tis the lasht thing they think av. Why the mornin’ paper towld us the other day that a year ago we had 107 prisoners in our gaol, an’ ye know the place wudn’t howld half that number, an’ if they’re not more careful the Dunedin paple’ll be wantin’ to get some av thim on the ground that so manny can’t be properly accommodated except in wan av the four cintres.’ * * * 4 Sure, Denis,’ continued the goddess in a burst av confidence, ‘ Invercargill ’ud go ahead all right if the papers ’ud only shtick up for it the ■way our mutual frind Mr J. A. Mitchell does. ’Tis a proper sinse av our importance be has. You shud have heard him whin word came out that the Coronation ’ud take place in August. 4 Well,’ ses he, 4 1 hope they won’t have the cheek to howld it on the same day as our championship ploughin’ match.’ Thim were his very words, an’ that’s the kind av ahpirit we want.’ * * * True for ye, ma’am,’ ses I, an’ ’tis surprised I am to hear that Mr Hanan is worryin’ the Marine Department to replace a map av the New River that they got some years back an’ mislaid, or wan in its place gratis. All the time there’s nivir a sign av the new gaol or the railway workships, an’ if Mr Hanan doesn’t Ink sharp the town’ll disappear while he’s huntin’ for the map, for I’m towld that wan av our big firms sint a lot av machinery away to Christchurch.

‘ An’ och, Denis,’ ses Minerva, whin I shtopped to take breath, 4 did ye bear av the grate battle that was fought in Invercargill this wake. It bate all I ivir heard tell av. It happened this way. Me frind Bastings av the Club set up an illigant shtructure av iron in wan part av the right av way, an’ locked it whin it suited him. This didn’t suit me frind Davie Roche, so what does he do but put up a wooden fince wid a gate in the centre further along the right av way. ‘ Now,’ see he, 4 if ye won’t let me an’ me frinds in by the front I’ll shtop ye from gettin’ supplies in from the back,’ Well in the night, Denis, something happened, an’ in the mornin’ the lock was af£ the wooden gate. i

Mr Roche shmiled, an’ called in a carpenter, an’ got a bigger an’ shtronger lock, an ses he, ‘ I’ll have a watchman here to-night ’ —ye might have seen that Lex McLean, the shtrong man, was cornin’ down here, an’ ’tis belaved he was afther the job. Well, there was g rate talk about Jaw an’ so on, but in the ind pace was reshtored, an’ they do be sayin’ that me frind David won the day, an’ that the iron gate is not to be locked anny more. The whole thing reminded me, Denis, av a bit av poetry I rade in me young days. It wint like this : Cy Perkins was a cranky man, Joe Bunker

was the same ; To make eaeh other trouble was each other’s

only aim, And, as they had adjoining farms, it happened very soon, To put the matter plainly 4 there was blood upon the moon.’

A cut there was through Bunker’s wood that made a shorter way, And Cyrus chose that road to town, despite ail Joe could say. Though Bunker daily stormed and raved as no good Christian should, Yet Perkins calmly held his way through that convenient wood.

4 Your wood !’ he cried derisively ; there’s nothing here to show That all men with impunity may not thus ever go. There is no fence, there is no sign ; there’s naught that I espy That does a passage through this wood to any man deny.’

So, breathing threats of what he’d do, Joe Bunker bought a sign Or ‘ Trespassing Forbidden Here !’ that measured six by nine. In joyful triumph and a cart he brought it out from town, But never noticed at the time he had nailed it upside down.

‘ The law,’ he said to Perkfns then, ‘ will now take care of me ; The law demands that you shall heed the sign that there you see. There’s no excuse that will be good if you keep passing through, And I serve notice on you now that I will surely sue.’

The law,’ said Perkins, thoughtfully, ‘ is strange in many ways, And I will heed all harriers that it may fairly raise, Your sign, no doubt, is excellent, and if I only knew Just what it says I’m satisfied I’d how to it and you.’

‘Turn back!’ cried Bunker angrily,' for there you see the sign.’ But Perkins, starting up his horse, replied, ‘ I must decline. The law I honour and obey, but nowhere is it said To read a sign the passer-by must stand upon his head.’ * * * I axed Minerva how she liked the playin’ av the Battalion Band on the rotunda, an’ she said ’twas the svvatest music she ivir heard. ‘But, Denis,’ ses she ‘1 do be thinkin’ ’tis time they had new uniforms, an’ as I hear the Pipe Band’s in a decline the Town Council might do worse than buy their duds at a valuation an’ hand thim to the Battalion Band. Av coorse Mr Mohr ’ud have to get the Drum-Major’s uniform. It ’ud have to be taken in before it ’ud fit him, for he’s not built on Seddonian lines, but if Mrs O’Shea had wan av Lewis and Co.’s Eldredge B machines she’d make short work av the job, or falin’ ikat she might lind thim a pillow or two.’ * * * ‘ I do be bearin’ Denis,’ sea Minerva, ‘ that some paple think Mr McCarthy hard-hearted for finin’ a Chinaman for leavin’ his vegetable

cart widout a chain, an’ so shpoilin’ his chance av gettin’ the decoration known as the peacock’s feather. Ye see it’s only given to a man that’s nivir had a conviction recorded against him.’ ‘ That’s all very well, Minerva,’ ses I, ‘ but to my mind the Chinaman’s only got himsilf to blame, for who’d dhrame av wan av the Celestial nobility retailin’ cabbages. No, he shad take a lafe oat av the book av the Europeans. Luk at the fuss we made whin Sir J. Gr. Ward and Sir William Russell got their titles, an’ if the Chinaman was wellconnected, as Mr Macalister towld the court, he should have let us know long ago. Why, if Mr Seddon hid his light under a bushel in that fashion where ’ud he be to-day ? They may talk as they like, but Mr McCarthy was just in the same position as wan av our soldiers in the Transvaal whin he cornered a Boer. ‘ Don’t shoot me !’ ses wan, ‘ I’m a field cornet.’ ‘ I don’t care a button if you’re a brass band —hands up,’ ses the other. But, Minerva, ’tis fearful 1 am that our Dick’ll come come back widout anny decoration at all, at all —indade they’re beginnin’ to poke fun at him, an’ wan paper, bad cess to it, called him a windbag.’ ‘ Nivir fear, Denis,’ ses the goddess, ‘ if the worst comes to the worst we’ll shtart a new title av our own, an’ make Mr Seddon a knight commander av the order av the Mutton Bird Feather.’ * * * ‘ An’ how are the young ladies av Invercargill doin’ Denis,’ ses the godess. ‘l’ve a ray son for axin,’ ses she, because wan av the papers ses if New Zealand gyruls were more like their mothers there’d be more marriages.’ ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘ it’s shtrange ye shud mintion that,|but the other night it was the grate fun we had at the mock banquet hild in town to give our young paple a chance to air their eloquince. Wan man toasted ‘ the ladies,’ ‘ an’ ses he, in closin’ a grand spache, ‘ who decorated the hall so nicely P The ladies. Who baked all those beautiful cakes on the tables ?’ an’ before he cud answer himsilf, somewan called out, ‘ their mothers !’ ‘ No, sir,’ ses the orator, ‘ if ye had a spark av chivalry lift ye’d admit that ’twas the work av their charming daughters.’ ‘l’d like to shake hands width at man,’ ses Minerva, wid a casht iron shmile. * =* * ‘ What’s all this stir that’s goin’ on among the railway min, Denis,’ ses me companion. ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘ they are goin’ to get a superannuation allowance, an’ they’re not satisfied wid some av the details. It goes this way: If a platelayer earnin’ £9 a month contributed fid out of iviry pound av his wages for five years, an’ the Government give the same amount, he’d be entitled to £9 a year afther 5 years ; to £lB afther 10 years ; to £36 afther 20 years ; an’ to £72 afther 40 years.’ ‘ Well, that’s not out av the way,’ ses the goddess, considerin’ the risks they run. Why,

Denis, I heard a cabman sayin’ that there were 25 min killed on the railways lasht year, an’ 635 injured ; an’ whin ye compare the allowance that some paple are gettin’ widout havin’ annything deducted from their wages, it can’t be said that the railway min are axin’ too much. Why wan av our ould civil servants has been drawin’ over £6OO a year since 1881, an’ another £340 since 1884. An’ thin the policemen have a retirin’ allowance, an’ the tachers want wan ; they’ll get it too.’ ‘ That reminds me,’ ses I, 1 that Katie —that’s ray wife, Minerva —is gettin’ anxious about the future av Corney an’ Bedalia.’ Tell her niver to let that throuble her,’ ses the goddess—get Coruey into the railway service, ; an’ let Bedalia marry wan av our good-lukin’ policemen, an’ all will be well.’ ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘ I’ve enjoyed our little talk, but I musht be aff now, or Katie’ll be wonderin’ what’s kapin’ me.’ ‘ Is she a jealous woman, Denis,’ axed the goddess, as a shmile shtele over her bronzed an’ slightly worse av weather fachures. ‘ She is that,’ ses I, ‘ an’ if she knew I was philanderin’ up here wid you I don’t know what ’ud happen. She’s very touchy—she’s like the Irishwoman that called on her husband in the hospital, an’ the surgeon towld her she couldn’t see him just thin because he was under the influence av an anaesthetic. 4 1 don’t know Ann AEsthetic,’ ses she, ‘ but if my lawful wedded husband can act loike that when he’s at dith’s door, begorra, I’ll Have a divorce.’ * * * ‘ Och, thin, I musht let ye go, Denis,’ ses the goddess, hopin’ to see ye again soon, for as ye know, Denis, I’m always at home. But before ye go, Denis, there’s wan favour ye might do me —ax the police to tbry an’ put down some av tbe bad language that floats up from the street at times —some av j our young min swear that much, Denis, that they’ll be like a sailor I rade av, an’ be gettin’ an attack av clergyman’s sore throat wan av these days.’ Denis. P.S. —The say sarpint was a true prophet—Mr Koberts resigned yesterday. Sind a copy av the Cross to the Oceanic Free Libraay widout fail.—D.