The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 9, Issue 53, 22 March 1902, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —I don’t rightly know whether ’tis free education that we’re all taxed to pay for or not, but the way the risin’ generation is goin’ on bates all. Wan av the papers ses the bhoys an’ gyruls thravellin’ on the thrains to an’ from school carry on at a grate rate, an’ that the bhoys shud have a special carriage all to thimsives. * * * Whin I towld Katie she said she quite belaved it, an’ that she didn’t know what bhoys were cornin’ to at all at all. ‘ Why,’ ses she, ‘ the other day a likely-Inkin’ lad got a job in a big establishmint in town, an’ afther a while wan of the chief min, noticin’ that he was very abrupt in his manner, ses to him —‘ Whin addressin’ me,’ ses he, ‘ ye might say ‘Yes, sir, an’ no, sir.’ It sounds betther than your present shtyle.’ ye’d have thought it was a shmall thing to ax, but the bhoy lukt him up an’ down an’ thin ses he—- * Well, by heavens ye think a lot av yersilf.’ Av coorse, Denis, he got the run, but if there’s manny more like him ’tis no wondher good bhoys are gettin’ scarce.’ ° * * =* An’ shpakin’ av bhoys, that gossoon Corney’ll be the death av me —he’s that full av humour that he’s always thryin’ to take rises out av the resht av us. Wan day he came home lukin’ very down in the mouth, an’ ses he at tea-time : —‘ Bedalia, did ye hear what a sad thing happened to Jones at Smith’s party lasht night ?’ Bedalia (in alarm). —‘ Ho ! What was it ?’ Corney. —‘The poor fellow had to have his arm taken oft.’ Bedalia. —‘ Oh how terrible ! How did it happen ?’ Corney. —‘ Well, he was sitting by Mrs Smith; they were then alone, when suddenly he put bis arm round her.’ Bedalia an’|Kate. —‘Well, go on. What then ? What happened ?’ Corney. —‘ Well, it was then it had to be taken off.’ * * *

By way av hilpin’ Katie an’ Bedalia to recover from the shock I tuk thim to the entertainment in the Zealaudia hall, an’ ’twas the grate time tbey had wid a baby show an’ songs an’ dances, an’ beautiful young ladies from 14 to 25. I towld Bedalia she’d be sure av a prize if she’d enter, but she wudn’t think av it. For wan thing she said the shoes she got out av Weir an’ Sons were a thrifle too big for her, an’ thin again the black might want to kiss her. Whin I wint along I met wan av the bhoys dressed up as a counthryman av mine, an’ see he —‘ Do you think I’ll get the prize ?’ ‘ Why, ye ought to get six months for iettin’ the paple see you were such a fool,’ ses I. But the ladies wid the babies tuk my fancy completely. I’d have given ache av av thim a prize an’ their mothers too. There was just wan woman that I missed —the wan in the Western District that has presinted her husband wid twins four times ruunin.’ Begorra if she goes on at that rate ’tis another contingent she’ll be able to sind to South Africa in no time. As it was, Mr Editor, there was so many babies that I cudn’t get near the platform, although I had sixpenny worth av sweeties out av Culling’s for the little dears. # * * But sure Widnisday was the day av days for the Irish shports. The clerk av the weather is a warrum frinn av onld Ireland, an’ the sun was shinin’ all day, an’ the wearin’ av the green was all the rage. ’Twas a sight to see the fine shtrappin’ bhoys an’ gyruls that came in from all parts av the counthryside, an’ Katie an’ mesilf were kept shakin’ hands till I thought there’d be no more shake lift in us. We were enjoyin’ oursilves grand till a bobby came up to two others, an’ talked at thim till they got red in the face. Begorra I

1 thought he’d shnap the heads aff thim, an’ the paple round about axed what was the matter wid him, ‘ Oh,’ sea I, ‘ the wheel av a bike wint over his toes, an’ hurt his corn, but me frind Hicks got a snap-shot av him, an’ ses he’ll git it into wan av the papers as an illustration av the expression of the emotions, an’ he’ll ax Mr Seddon to take it Home wid him. * * * Well, I was that much disgusted wid him that I wint out av the ring to see McLean, the shtrong man, an’ he put me in good shpirits again to see the way he lifted thim heavy weights. An’ talkin’ av heavy weights, whin I wint into Mr Richardson’s tint, I saw two min wid the gloves on, an’ ’twas the grand set-to they had. I axed a frind who they were. ‘ Oh, ses he, ‘ the big man is the Staleybridge Infant. He weighs 19st 71bs, an’ the other is the feather weight av Australia, The little fellow shtuck to the big chap well, an’ Richardson towld him to give it to him in the bread-basket. I suppose he wanted to bring down the price av bread to an’ iviry time the little chap got home ye’d have thought ’twas the City Band’s big drum that was bein’ shtruck.’

Afther it was over I wint up to the infant, an’ axed him what he mint by shtrikin’ a shmaller man than himsilf, an’ he towld me ’twas in silfdefince. Ses he, ‘ didn’t ye see at a matin’ av the farmers’ union that complaints were made av the nuisance av thravellers callin’ on farmers for orders, an’ wan man thought they shud be shot, an’ another that they shud set the dog’s on thim. Well, Denis, as ye know I go into the counthry a good dale, an’ I’m tabin’ lessons beforehand, an’ if anny man goes for me, begorra, I’ll make him turn red an’ grey in no time, or I’ll know the rayson why. * =» * Thin the big fellow wint at the little wan again, an’ prisintly ses he —‘ Here, pull me gloves aff—-1 can’t do annything widout shpittin’ on me hands.’ ‘ Be careful,’ ses 1, ‘ or they’ll have ye up for a breach av the bylaws expectoratin’ in a public place is against the law av the land.’ * # Whin I came out again Angus met me an ses he— ‘ Come awa’ Denis, an’ hae a look at the quoits, you’ll see how they’ve got to work for their money.’ An’ sure enough there they were pitchin’ the quoits all day long from wan peg to another for a prize av £2. “ Well,’ ses I, ‘ if they were to make the prize-money tea pounds instead av £2, wid £5 for second, £o for third, they wud get more to enter, an’ as Willie Martin towld the town council on Thursday night whin fightin’ for the Park Board, ’tis only a just right an’ not a favour. ■* * * Whin I came back to Katie she axed me where I bad been, an’ whin I cud make mesilf heard above, the yappin’ av the bookies, bad scran to thim, an’ sure they shud be kept out av the grounds entirely —I towld her I’d been to the tints, an’ she towld me she thought I’d been to the rabbit hunt. ‘ Did they kill it,’ ses she. ‘ That they did,’ ses I, ‘ an’ nearly killed two min on their bikes as well.’ * *■ * Afther we got home, we thought we’d g’o to the thaytur, an’ take part in the siege av Sebastopol, for I had aften heard me uncle Pat till how they tuk the Malakoff an’ the Redan toj the tune av ‘ Faughaballagh !’ from the Irishmin, an’ that he was in the trinches whin Cathcart fell, led on by Lord Raglan. Everything came back quite frish to me memory, an’ nixt mornin’ I had no appetite for wurk at all all, falin’ like the servant gyrul. Ses her mistress - —‘ 1 wish yon to do some sweeping to-day.’ Maid : ‘ To-morrow is my day off, mum, and I never lets myself get tired the day before, because then I can’t take no enjoyment when I gets out, mum.’ ‘ Oh, well, do it the day after to-morrow then.’ ‘The day after being out I am allers tired, mum.’ i

Corney came home the other evening wid a shtory about a dyin’ horse near Puni Creek, an’ how some wan had hitched a dray to it, an’ dragged it by the neck over to near Pascoe’s rabbit depot, an that it was pulled over shtones and gravel till the blood 1 was runnin’ out av the hide. Corney ses that he can’t undershtand why it wasn’t shot straight away, inshtead av bein’ maltreated in its lasbt moments. I wonder they didn’t get McLean, the shtrong man, to shift the horse. Sure, he cud have done it aisily, for didn’t he tell us that he lifted a horse an’ rider in Dunedin, an’ was goin’ to lift the elephant only the man wudn’t let him. An’ thin he wondered, it the Corporation is payin’ so much for dead rats, how much they’d give for a dead horse. I nivir saw the like av him for thinkin’ av how to make money—he doesn’t take afther his father an’ mother a bit, an he’ll be another Carnegie if he lives long enough—a craythur wid hapes av money an’ no digestion. * * * Och, but ’tis the grate row the Charitable Board is kickin’ np wid somewan that wrote in the papers, about about the way a poor ould chap called Woodman was tbrated. The mimbers say there’s not a word av thruth in the shtory, an’ they’re goin’ to ax the paper to divulge the man’s name. They’re bound to find out who’s been slanderin’ thim if they can, an’ if they get him they’ll thrate him as the lawyer said he .vud thrate Shakespeare. Ses he to a witness : ‘You say you made an examination of the premises. What did you find ?’ Witness : ‘ Oh, nothing of consequence ; a beggarly account of empty boxes, as Shakespeare says.’ Lawyer: ‘ Never mind what Shakespeare says. He will be summonsed, and can testify for himself if he knows anything about the case.’ «= *

’Twas the grate chat I had wid me frind Kenneally at the shports. Begorra, I nivir saw a man kape the grounds clear the way he did. Whether ’twas the luk he put on or the shillalagh, I don’t rightly know, but he nivir let a craythnr inside that hadn’t a right to. Ould King Canute cudo’t kape the say back whin be thried, but if he’d had Mr Kenneally there, sure the history books ’ud have had to be althered. I was plased at the way Mr McNamara kept the competitors up to the mark. Sure some av thim think nothin’ av keepin’ two or three thousand paple waitin’ half-an-hour, an’ as Katie put it, she cudn’t see why runners should be so particular about a quarter of a second at the end of a race, when they kept the public waiting half-an-hour for the beginning. DENIS.