The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 9, Issue 4, 27 April 1901, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —I don’t rightly know whether ’twas the Ratepayers’ Association, or the advint av Mr Bastings, the man that’s done more for Southland than anny other man has done, or ivir will do, to quote himself, but, share, Invercargill tuk a fresh lase ®av life on Wednesday, ■whin 1391 av us recorded our votes in the mayoral eliction. Nearly iyirybody voted except the driver av the gospel van, an’ he’s not eligible, for it ses underneath his name that he’s a citizen av Zion. Cabs an’ ’buses were flying to and from the North an’ South Poles, an’ several other directions, an’ me frind Greenaway Boyce came dashin’ up at such a rate that I thrimbled for the safety av the municipal chambers. The rain was failin’ on a sea av faces an’ a shprinklin’ av umbrellas extindin’ from the doors av the buildin’ over to Jimmy Lloyd’s an’ the Pish Supply Company’s shop, an’ the oysters inside were about the only craythurs not takin’ an interest in the proeeedins’ * * * Angus had a powerful big gingham —wan av Lewis an’ Co.’s special makes—an’ he tuk Mrs Angus an’ Katie an’ me under it. Just whin ivirybody was gettin’ tired, the portals av the civic hall were flung open, an’ Inshpector Miller advanced howldin’ up in front av two thousand expectant eyes a big board wid the followin’ lines: — Longuet ... 641 Bastings ... 357 Stone ... 293 Thin the cheers wint up, an’ wan woman, afther apologisin’ for jabbin’ me in the eye wid the tail ind av her umbrella, cried out —‘ 1 towld ye we’d put in Prince Charlie.’ Thin the Town Clerk declared Mr Longuet duly elicted, an’ the successful candidate made a modest little spache, an’ was followed by his veteran opponent, Mr Bastings. * * * He came out shmilin’ an’ ’twas mesilf was glad to hear him say that there hadn’t been an ill word between the candidites, an’ thin he tuk credit for havin’ roused us from our slape — somnambulistic slumbers, he called it —an’ we were that glad at havin’ kept him out that we laffed at ivirything he said, an’ whin' he shuk hands wid the other candidates wan man who studies the poets sea, ses he *—‘Nothin’ became him so well in the contest as the lavin’ av it.’ * * * Mr Shtone also shpoke, an’ the curtain was rung down for another year. Angus invited us into the vestibule to luk at the chamber where the wise min av the town deliberate, an’ begorra whin Katie saw the array av pompoms an’ summer Chrysanthemums on the table, an’ the mayor’s throne, ‘ Shure,’ ses she, ‘ 1 understand now, Denis, how it is that the mimbers like to shtay an’ talk so long whin they meet- ’tis the comfortable quarters they have.’ # * * ’Twas mesilf was glad to see the defeated candidates take their batin’ so well. They were quite cheerful an’ resigned like. Katie ses they reminded her av the Puritan damsel that she’d read about. ‘ Rachel,’ said a frind av hers, ‘ the Lord hath sint me to marry thee, an’ Rachel ses — ‘ The Lord’s will be done.’ # * * ' Och, but me frind Petrie was in great form, Ave course he was beaten, but he’s got a big heart an’ ses he’s not disheartened, an’, moreover, the number av his supporters is increasin’ iviry time. But he must be convinced by now that, as the cigarette song puts it, he’s ‘ not the only pebble on the beach.’ * * *. The women were in great force at the eliction, an’ ’tis said that Mr Petrie argued wid wan av thim about twinty minutes before he persuaded

her to go in his cab to the polling booth, an’ thin only succeeded on the understandin’ that she was to be free to vote for who she liked, altho’ the candidate towld her it wud be very ungentlemanly av her to take a free drive in his cab, an’ thin vote for someone else. * * * . There were a number av informal votes, an’ Katie ses she can account for two av thim, for wan woman who wanted to be shure a y recordin’ her vote shtruck all the names out, an’ another wan put the ballot paper into the box just as she got it. Two other women insisted on votin’ at the South Ward for Councillors, although tould that the election was at the Third Ward, but wid all their blunders an’ goin’ ons, Angus ses he was glad to see thim takin’ an’ interest in the affairs av’ the town. * * * He towld me there was a lot av’ bettin’, but begorra whin it comes to a modern eliction ’ tia purity itself, compared wid the good ould days. Why it is recorded av that good man the late Mr Wilberforce, that whin he was a candidate for Hull his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered to give a new gown to the wife of iverywan who voted for her brother, an’ somewan shouted out — * Miss Wilberforce for iver !’ ‘ I thank you very much,’ ses she, ‘ for the goodwill expressed, but really I don’t wish to be Miss Wilberforce for iver.’ * * * ' Shure, ’twas the fine time Katie an’ mesilf had lasht Saturday night. Afther goin’ up an’ down awhile, we shtrolled up Don shtreet, an’ Katie thought ’twas a crowd goin’ to the Gintlemen’s Club, but instead we all turned into the Rialto, an’ there was me ould frind Todd busy tellin’ the throng what a beautiful place Codfish Island is. Troth, it wud have done your heart good, Mr Editor, to have been there to hear that man praisin’ the scanery. What fine harbours, landlocked from iviry wind and sea —why, the Cove av Cork cudn’t howld a rushlight to it. He showed us a map av the island, wid the ’possums climbin’ up the threes, an’ the blue cod swimmin’ in the wather, an’ the woodbens gettin’ knocked over like frinds at Finnegan’s wake — shure, it brought tears to me eyes at the thought av it. # * Katie had a great notion av biddin for the Island, but was that depressed that she let the chance go by. ‘ Shure, Denis, ’twas the cowld showlder Ranfurly give mesilf an’ Gowldie. He nivir came near us to get a piece av the pig’s cheek an’ cabbage that I had cooked for him, but just towld the mayor at the station that he didn’t think the Duke ’ud come this way, an’ thin rushed aff to the Bluff, an’ away to the Southern Islands in search of birds for the British Museum.’ * * * Katie was quite plased whin the Island was knocked down to me frind Mr Mclntyre for £2O. ‘ What a fine estate he’ll have,’ ses she, ‘ wid plinty av wather for his cows.’ ‘ Yes, he will that, Katie,’ ses I, ‘ but whin ye mintion that ye make me own mouth wather, for well do I remimber the time whin there was a fine schooner built to take whiskey from that same island.’ ‘ Tell me about it, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ but no, Katie,’ ses I, ‘ mum’s the word on that head, and also on the little signal that used to go up in connection wid the delivery av the cargo.’ # * * Atther we got home on Widnesday night, Katie towld me how much she admired Mr Bastings’ spache, an’ how angry she was at the man that interrupted him whin he said he had passed through the counthry years ago, an’ the man said, ‘ so much the worse for the counthry.’ ‘ Tuts,’ Katie,’ ses I,‘ye shad take it the same as Mr Bastings did. He just laffed, an’ wint on wid his remarks.’ ‘ Av coorse I didn’t howld wid him whin he said he’d done more for Southland than anny other man, for he must have forgotten all about the father av Awarua Pat. ‘ No,

Katie,’ ses I, ‘ he’s like an Irish gintleman at Home. He was av a very obligin’ disposition, an’ thought that personal favours didn’t cost much, while they made frinds, an whin a labourer out av work axed him for a certificate av character he tuk him into his office an’ wrote a very flatterin’ recommendation. He handed it to Pat to read. Pat tuk it, shpelled it through, scratched his head, an’ nivir said a word. ‘ Well, Pat,’ ses the gintleman, puzzled at Pat’s behaviour, ‘ don’t you consider it good enough P’ ‘ Oh, no sorr, not that; shure it cudn’t be betther, but—but —.’ ‘ But what,’ ses the gintleman, gettin into a timper. ‘ Begorra, sorr, I was just thinkin’that your honour might give me something to do yoursilf on the strength av this recommendation.’ * * * Katie’s face was radiant the other evenin’ when I towld her that it was reported Mr Seddon was to be made a Governor av wan av the colonies in recognition av the way he’s been sendin’ min an’ horses to South Africa. ‘ Why, ses she, ‘they might make him Governor av New Zealand while they’re about it. Shure wasn’t Sir George Grey Premier av the colony as well asGovernor, an’ wasn’t he always advocatin’ havin’ elective Governors P Wid Mr Seddon as Governor, J.G. as Premier, an’ Mr Longuet as Mayor, ’tis the great times we’d be havin’ entirely.’ * * * Talkin’ av decorations an’ the like, Mr Editor, somewan has sint me a letther wid a shtory in it that he thinks ought to be repeated in view av the honours that the Duke av Cornwall will be disthributin’in June nixt. He ses :—ln former times whin the Lord Lieutenant av Ireland had more royal powers than now, an’ cud confer knighthoods an’ peerages at will, wan bowlder av the office was returnin' to Dublin wid his noble retinue whin he was overtaken by a most outrageous tirapest, an’ had to take refuge in a little counthry inn. The slapin’ accommodation bein’ limited, his Excellency an’ sweet passed the night wid songs and revelry. About four o’clock in the morning, the landlord, Mick O’Shannessy, an’ the vice-regal party were all equal. Mick had fallen to the Sure for some rayson, an’ had recovered so far as to get on his knees, but cud get no furder, whin his Excellency, carried away by the suggestive attitude, drew his sword an’ give him a blow on the back, sayin’— ‘ Arise, Sir Michael O’Shannessy.’ # * * The further proceeding’ av the night are not reported, but in the mornin’ Mr O’Shannessy was called into the private room av the viceroy, who tried to luk sober, an’ was realisin’ that some scandal might arise out av the night’s doins’. Ses he, handing over a well-lined purse, ‘ renumber that ivery thing that happened here last night was only a ]oke, and nothing must be said about it — especially that knighthud business.’ ‘ Eiver fear for me sayin’ a word, yer Excellency, ses Mike, ‘ I know what fun is, an’ the honor’s not fittin’ for me, an’ I’ll niver mention it agin.’ ‘ But (after a few minutes reflection), ‘ I don’t know what Lady O’Shannessy will be sayin’ about it.’ * * * I see the Premier av Makarewa has fallen foul av the promoters av the Victoria Home Memorial, an’ is afraid ’twill encourage gyruls to be thriftless an’ careless. He tells about wan that he knew that if towld to go an errand wud consume as much time in puttin’ on her gloves as she cud have done the errand in. Katie ses he shud be careful what he ses about servants, for he might be hauled before the Conciliation Board, an’ in anny case she see servants know how to keep mistresses in their places, an’ whin I towld her she shod always be able to proye ivirything she sed she gave the followin’ example: —A servant girl was engaged at a house where the mistress had a rather hasty temper. On the first Saturday night the girl was told to clean the boots

and shoes for Sunday. Coming into the kitchen a short time afterwards, the mistress, seeing that the maid had cleaned her own boots first, was so enraged that she lifted them and threw them into a tub of water which stood near. The servant made no sign ; but when all the bools were cleaned she also lifted them and threw them into the tub of water, ‘ Why, whatever possessed you to do that?’ gasped her mistress in a fury. ‘ Oh, I jist thocht it was the fashion o’ the boose, ’ replied the girl.

‘ Perhaps,’ ses I, ‘ he’s afraid that Invercargill’s gettin’ too great a place for collections. He may be gettin’ av the same opinion as the two Scotch brothers that Angus tells about. They came up from a village to see the sights of London, and when the Sabbath came round they entered an English church some while in advance of the service. Taking up a prayer book which lay in the pew the elder brother examined it page after page with evident curiosity, the book being new to his Presbyterian experience. At last, shaking his head, he said— ‘ Cam’ awa’ oot, Sandy, man ; the service is just collect, collect, collect, fra’ end to end. It’s no’ the kirk for pair bodies like oorselV Denis.