The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 9, Issue 3, 20 April 1901, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES.

Dear Mr Editor, ’Twas Katie an’ mesilf formed part av the expectant crowd that filled the thaytur on Monday night to hear Mr Horace Bastings tell ns why he shud be elected mayor. Katie was quite tuk wid him at first, as he shtarted off so free an’ aisy like widout waitin to be introduced by me friud Goldie. I was a bit sbtruck wid the veteran mesilf as he stud there so bould an’ free like, an’ towld us how we cudn’t hape anny more honours on his head, but that he wanted to benefit us iviry way he cud, and thry to kape us from playin’ second fiddle to Dunedin, an’ make some av our wealthy min spind some av their stuff for the good av the place. * * * An’ thin the dhrop came. Whinivir he said he’d give the Duke an’ Duchess free quarters in the Albion or the Club I heard Katie say to hersilf —‘ He’s put his fut in it.’ Thin, a little later, whin he said he’d give £IOO towards a public hall, she added, ‘ an’ now he’s put his other fut in it.’ ‘ What do you mane, Katie,’ ses I. ‘ Its too thin, Denis,’ ses she. ‘ Och, wuman,’ ses I, ‘do be afther droppin’ this awful slang, an’ let’s have the King’s English for wance in a way.’ ‘ Well, Denis,’ ses she, ‘he may want to shame our millionaires into puttin’ their hands into their pockets, but he’s taken the wrong time to do it, an’ shure if the free an’ indepindents av Invercargill are to be caught in that fashion ’tis mesilf will go to Todd’s on Saturday an’ buy Codfish Island, an’ live there for the rest av me days an’ nights. Mr Todd ses the wather there is teemin’ wid fish, an’ it must be thrue, foa he’s a second Geo. Washington, and I'll see if they’ll be afther takin’ me bait.’ ‘ What bait, Katie,’ ses I. ‘ A town hall an’ free board an’ lodgin’, Denis,’ ses she, wid adaff. * *

‘Well, Katie,’ses I, ‘I see jour mania’ an’ perhaps ye’re right. Ido remimber now that me ould frind Bumble in wan av Dickens’s books was sorry over his matrimonial venture.’ ‘ What did he say, Denis,’ ses Katie. ‘ Well, Katie,’ ses I, ‘ this is how he put it; —‘ I sold myself for six teaspoons, a pair of sugar tongs, and a milk pot, with a small quantity of second-hand furniture, and twenty pounds in money.’ r * *

Thin, prisintly, Mr Bastings picked up a paper aff the table an ses he, ‘ here’s the Corporation balanceshaet.’ ‘ Kow, ses Katie, ‘ ’tis the fine exposition av the finances av the town we’ll be havin’.’ But, will ye belave it, Mr Editor, the ould horse baulked at the fince, an’ ses be, throwin’ down the paper agin, ‘ ’twould take a man a week to understand it,’ ‘ but,’ ses he, * we cud save a lot by consolidatin’ the loans,’ an’ shortly afther he sat down, havin’ shpoken just twelve minutes. ‘ Well, Katie,’ ses I, ‘what do you think av him now ?’ ‘ Well, Denis,’ ses she, ‘ barrin’ the little slip I towld ye about, he’s a grand ould man, an’ whin he stud there wearin’ his sivinty-wan years so lightly, an’ towld us how he got £IOO,OOO put through in wan night for Southland in the Provincial Council days, an’ how he’d been sivin times mayor av Dunedin, an’ other glimpses av his past life, he reminded me av the epitaph that a man in a book ordered to be put on his tombshtone. It wint like this, Denis, slightly altered in the lasht line: —

* I aint afraid. ’Shamed o’ nuthin’ I ever done. Alwas kep’ my tugs tight. Never swore ’less ’twas nec’eary. Never ketched a fish bigger’n’t was, Er lied in a horse trade, Er shed a tear 1 didn’t bev to. Never cheated anybody but Horace Bastings. # * # Paple wandered bow they’d get the rest av the evenin’ in, whin

me frind J. A. Mitchell relaved the tension by axin’ if the invitation to the Duke an’ Duchess wud be extinded to the audience There was a laff at this, for Johnny has a knack av hittin’ the nail on the head, but the ould gintleman was equal to the occasion, ‘ an’ yes,’ ses he, ‘ye can have what ye like if wan lot’ll go to the Club'an’ the other to the Albion.’ Av course we cheered him till our throats was thirsty, an’ thin he invited the other candidates to shpake. Mr Longuet came up shmilin’, an’ talked for half-an-hour, an’ hit me ould frind pretty hard by tellin’ him that consolidation av the loans wasn’t feasible by reason av the debentureholders wantin’ too good terras, an’ as for the balance-sheet, he showed that it tuk a man to be in the Council to understand it, an’ as for the rest, he was goin’ in for economy. Katie said his programme ’ud do as long as he didn’t .carry economy too far, an’ follow the example av a certain nobleman. He ordered all the lights to be put out in the house at nine o’clock. Wan evening he thought he observed a light under the door leading to the servants’ room. He rushed into the room, and found one of the footmen reading by the light of a candle. There was a scene, but the servant made it clear that he had bought the candle with bis own money, when the master changed his tone and said— ‘ Oh, that’s how it is. Then, perhaps you will be good enough to let me sit and read with you ?’ * * * Before we left the thayatur, me frind, the expirin’ mayor as a Councillor wance called a mayor whose time was up —was that carried away wid the jolly shtyle av me frind Mr Bastings, that he jumped up an' ses he, ‘ I’tn inclined to sbtand agin—what do yon say, bhoys ?’ Tbe bhoys said nothin’, an’ Katie said that Mr Goldie reminded her av the notice put up in an American music hall —‘Don’t shoot the musician; he’s doin’ bis best.’ ‘Sbure,’. ses I, ‘ we’re not goin’ to shoot him—on the conthrary, the Council’s goin’ to give an extra £25 on account av his havin’ been mayor 18 months instead av twelve. If that’s shootin’ ’tis a lot av it I cud be shtandin’.’

But talkin’ av shootin’ ’tis mesilf do be wonderin’ whin the match betwix Joe Brey an’ Jack Friend is cornin’ aff They seem to be fightin’ shy av ache other, but it can’t be because Joe Brey isn’t game, for I nivir knew a man that’s more devoted to shport in me life. As we used to say av our bhoy Oorney, he’d walk six miles to catch a horse an’ ride it five. ‘To hear ye talk,’ ses Katie, ‘ Joe must be as fond av pigeon fancyin’ an’ flyin’ as the man at Home.’ ‘ Tell us about him, Katie, ses I. ‘ Well, he’d been a great pigeon man, an’ he was dyin’ and the parson came an’ towld him about heavm an’ angels, an’ the man lukt up, an’ ses he, ‘ Will aw ha’ wings, parson, when aw get to heaven.’ ‘You will indeed,’ ses the parson, willin’ to humour an’ console him. ‘ An’ will you ha’ wings, parson, when yo’ get theer.’ ‘Oh yes,’ ses the parson. ‘Aw tell thee what then,’ ses the dyin’ man, wid brightenin’ eyes, ‘ when thee cooraes up aw’ll flee yo’ for a sovereign.’ # * * So me ould frind Isaac Lawrence Petrie is out agin for the Third Ward. The perseverance av that man bates all. He reminds me av the man in Ireland. A thraveller shtopped at an inn, an’ findin’ things dull axed the landlord to sind some wan up to his room for a chat. The landlord sint up wan av the villagers, an’ prisintly the thraveller, who was a bit av a wag, ses to him, ‘ Look here, me man, do you want to earn some money ? ‘I do that, your honour,’ ses he. ‘ Well,’ ses the other, ‘ I’ll give you £5 if you run round that table for half-an-hour sayin’ all the time, “ Here I come again,” an’ nothing else.’ ‘ Done ! ’ ses the man, an’ aff he shtarted. * *

Thin the visitor called up the landlord, an’ ses he, ‘ This is a prettykind av a man ye sint up to entertain me. Look at him, listen to him.’ ‘ God bless me,* ses the landlord, howldin’ up his hands, ‘ share I’ve known- him all his life, an’ I nivir knew him to carry on like that before. I’ll get his wife to him.’ So he called the man’s wife, but the more she talked the more he ran, an’ thin bis mother-in-law came in, an’ thin his childer, an’ thin his frinds, an’ at lasht they dragged him out av the room. ‘ Bad luck to you all,’ ses he, ‘five minutes more, an’ I’d have won me money.’ That’s Petrie all over, an’ whin the election’s finished he’ll probably say— ‘ If it hadn’t been for Stead, an’ Macalister, an’ McKellar I’d have won the seat.’ * * * Och but ’tis the plased woman Katie is that the birth av the Empire is over at the Zealandia Hall. ‘ Shure,’ses she, ‘l’m glad to hear they made £SOO out av it, but ’twill take a long time to get Corney and Bedalia back to the ould way agin. They ran out av Basutos one night, an’ Corney volunteered, an’ came home wid a face on him as shinin’ black as if he’d bin usin’ Dawson’s polish, and thin Bedalia was called in to join the Scots Greys or Iriah Dragoons, or somethin’ av that kind. She’s gettiu’ over the fever, but Corney was the worst av the two. He said they had to clap together cymbals in the hall, an’ he’s nearly bruk all the delf in the house, for he’d get plates an’ tie thim to smothin’ irons an’ bash thim together, an’ thin he’d lie down on the flare, an’ bash thim over bis head. Signor Borzoni’s gone away, an’ I was wan av the loudest in cheerin’ him at the station, for although his rivirence the Dean called him a gineral, the mixture av the domestic an the military was gettin’ too much for me.’ * * * ‘ Nivir mind, acushla,’ ses I, ‘ shure ye can get rid av the childer by siudin’ thim to Dunedin whin the Duke’s there. Mr Israel, the Chairman av the Children’s Demonstration Committee, towld thim the other night that as Invercargill wasn’t likely to be visited, the Southland paple ’ud probably come to Dunedin, an’ if the paple av Dunedin had a disposition to bring in the eounthry children av Otago, they might include those of Southland.’ * * * ‘ Don’t provoke me, Denis,’ sea Katie. To think I’d be afther lettin’ my darlinfs go to Dunedin, whin Dr Mason, the chief health afficer av the colony, had to come all the way from Willington to see if it was fit from a sanitary point av view for the Duke to go through the shtreets. No, Denis, if Mr Ward, an’ Mr Hanan, lan’ Davie Roche, an’ the rest av thim can’t bring the Duke here, ’tis nob to Dunedin I’ll be goin’. Why the craythurs had the cheek to ax us an’ Oamaru to conthribute to an arch up there. Oamaru towld thim to go to Jericho, an’ our mayor said we’d have an hour or two av the Duke to ourselves, an’ Napier towld Willington they’d see thim blown into Cook’s Shtraits before they’d give money for an arch in Willington. ‘No, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘we must break up this chief cintre fetish, or else become a chief cintre ourselves, an’ follow Mr Ward’s example.’ ‘What is he doin’, Katie ?’ ‘ Why ’tis reported that he is sbtartin’ a branch av his business in Dunedin. Let our business min do likewise an’ turn the tables on Dunedin.’ # * * I can’t keep Katie from talkin’ about thim municipal thriplets— Stone, an’ Longueb, an’ Bastings. She thinks that when the pole’s declared on Widnesday two av thim ’all be like the Irishman an’ Scotchman when they were led out for execution, an’ were towld they cud say a few words. ‘ Well,’ sea Pat to the other, ‘ good-bye, Sandy; this will be a warnin’ to us for life.’ So she’s afther thinkiu’ that wan av the three candidates ’nil be sayin’ to wan

other av the trio— ‘ Ould bhoy, this’ll be a warnin’ to you an’ me for life.' ‘ Which two will be takin’ part in the conversation, Katie,’ ses I. ‘ Denis,’ ses she, ‘ don’t ye know that its not safe to prophesy till aftber the ivint, especially whin its a thriangular duel.’ Ye can’t catch a woman on the hop, * * * Share he was the shmarfc man Lister, who got twelve months for false pretences in Willington. The way he tuk thim in puts me in mind av a connthryman av mine in London. He bought a suit av clothes from a Jew on the weekly system. Pat forgot to pay, an’ wan day the Jew met him an’ wint for him in the followin’ shtyle : —‘What about de payment for dem clothes P You were naked an’ I clothed you.’ ‘Thrue, bedad,’ ses Pat, ‘ but you were a shtranger, an’ I tuk ye in.’ Denis.