The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 8, Issue 32, 1 December 1900, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, The consate has been clane knocked out av me, an’ I’m as limp as me frind Gibson Smith towld us he felt afther attindin’ the session ay the Synod in Dunedin. It happened this way, ye see:—There’s a man in town wid the front name av Denis, an’ ses a chum to him wan day—‘What’s this ye’ve been writing about me in the Cross ?’ Ses Denis, ‘ I nivir wrote a line in it, an’ as for Denis O’Shea,’ ses he, ‘ he’s no Irishman, Why, if we had him in the Ould Counthry ’tis a futball we’d be usin’ him for.’ * •* * Whin I towld Katie, ‘ sure,’ ses she, always ready to luk at the bright side av things, ‘ he mint it for a. compliment.’ ‘ How do you make that out F’ ses I. ‘ Well,’ ses she, ‘ did ye evir see a futball cursed at an’ called all sorts av names ?’ I had to confess to not havin’ had that pleasure. ‘ Well,’ ses she, ‘ that's what they do wid the referee sometimes. Or,’ ses she, ‘ did ye evir see a futball wid a black eye or a broken collar-bone or a nose, unlike our station yard, widout an over-bridge ?’ ‘ No,’ ses I, ‘ I haven’t.’ ‘Well,’ ses she, ‘don’t ye see the man's tnanin’. They think more av the futball than- they do av the referee or the players, an he mint to compliment wid ye.’ I towld Katie there something in what she said, but as Angus wud say, ‘ I hae tna doots.’ * * Och, but ’twas the great reception Invercargill gave to Trooper Aitken on Widnesday. The Oreti Rifles are the bhoys for makin the most av a comrade that’s distinguished himself, an’ the Garrison Band an’ the paple to the number av some 2000 or more hacked thim up in gran’ style, Nixt to the reciption given to the returned trooper were the cheers given whin Chaplain-Captain Bates came to the front av the rotunda. He had the crowd in a good humour in a rninnit. There was a laugh whin he said that Trooper Aitken wud hand down his experiences and memories as a heirloom to his childer, an a regular roar whin he added ‘ an’ his childer’s childer.’ The gallant parson saw at wance that they were laffin’ bekase the trooper is single, but he stbuck to his guns, ‘ an,’ ses he, ‘ I know what I’m sayin’. Av coorse he’ll settle down here, an’ there isn’t a girl in the place that ’ud say no to him.’ Thin whiu we stopped laffin’ we cud hear him sayin’ that the nixt man to arrive ’ud be Pat Crowe. * * * The name av Crowe reminds me av Wallacetown. . Sure Wallacetown’s changed a lot since an ould acquaintance av mine, an’ av the thravellin’ public, kept the hotel out there. I mane Mrs Muir. She was wance urgin’ a frind to spind a holiday there, ‘ an,’ says the frind, ‘ what’s to see out there ?’ ‘Well, me dear,’ ses Mrs Muir, quite brisk like, ‘ there’s the cemetery.’ But if all accounts be true, me brave frind Crowe used to have something more attractive than a cemetery to see there, an’ I shudn’t be a bit surprised if hawks an’ crows don’t fraternise after the war is over, as the song puts it. Av coorse absence may not have made the heart grow fonder, but if there’s any bother at all, at all, Fat can sing (vide Parson Bates’ remarks about Trooper Aitken) : “ Och, hone ! don’t provoke me to do it! Foi there’s girls by the score That loves me an’ more— And ye’d luk very quare if one mornin’ ye’d meet Me weddin’ all marchin’ in pride down Dee street; Fair ye’d die wid surprise To think ’twasn’t you was come to it.” * * * I didn’t want to say a word this week about the Mayor av Invercargill, but Pate is too strong for me. Sure he was out bright an’ early at the Express Co.’s fire the other mornin’ an’ saved a life like a man an’ a brother. A tom cat escaped frum

| the flames wid badly burned paws, an’ a fireman wanted to put him out av his pain an’ misery, ‘ but no,’ ses I the Mayor, ‘ let him alone,’ an’ the man obeyed the mayoral mandate. I ’Tis the Royal Humane Society must be towld av this. ‘ Well,’ ses Katie, ‘ the Mayor ’ud desarve the thanks av the community if he’d write to I that body, an’ ax thim why they’re bangin’ fire so long over the presentation av a medal to Mr Clare for rescuin’a poor young woman fruna a wathery graye at the jetty a while back.’ * * * ‘ Tes,’ ses I, ‘ but don’t ax the Mayor to do too much, an’ if he has got a few shortcoming’ his loyalty ’ud cover a multitude av thim. Did ye see the nate way that he swung his bell-topper round, an’ tried to knock all the hat av a man that kept covered whin the National Anthem started at the Aitken reciption. The man tould me afther that he was the man frum Snowy River beyant Winton, an’ that his hair was long, an’ he didn’t like to expose it till he’d bin to Bell’s in Tay street. I towld him he must obey his parents an’ honour the Queen, ‘ for,’ ses I, ‘ a disloyal man down here is as much out av his latitude as the turtles the boys wance caught at me frind Cruickslianks’ place in the Waihopai. * * * ‘ Well,’ ses Katie, ‘ I wudn’t have blamed the man too much, for Mrs McGregor towld me that wan part av the band was playin’ ‘ God save the Queen,’ and another part ‘ Praise God from whom all blessins’ flow.’ Angus towld me, wid that dry humor av his, that they were tryin’ to plase both parties, unlike ould Bismarck, who said— ‘ Pear God and nobody else.’ * * Angus McGregor is in great glee over the honour that's been conferred on the Pipe Band av bein’ selected to play at Sydney. He towld me that the men ’ud be away for six weeks, an’ that in addition to all expinses bein’ paid they’ll have the following rates av pay :—Privates, 4s a day (Sundays included) ; corporals, 6s ; sergeants, 6s ; drum major and bandmaster up to 10s. ‘ But,’ ses Angus, ‘ that’s for an ordinary pipe band. Oor band’s biordinar, an’ s»e they’re tae gao Canny Cameron twal shillins’ a day ; an’ mair than that, I’m telt that the toon cooncil hae voted him a month’s fall pay into the bargain. ’Tis the prood Scot I am the day.’ ‘ That’s all very well, Angus,’ ses I, ‘ but there’s another side to the question—the brass band side. A man that’s got no connection wid bands towld me that he lukt on the passin’ over av the brass bands av the colony, includin’ our own Garrison, that has champion honours to its credit, as a grate insult. ‘ Sure,’ says he, * the Garrison Band ’ud have represented all sections av the community, an’ taken part in all kinds av demonstrations, whereas the pipers ’ ‘ Denis,’ ses Angus, ‘ I’ll stand a good deal frae you, but this is tae muckle ; rax me ma hat, Mrs O’Shea, an’ I’ll ga'ng awa till ye’re gudeman learns tae talk sense,’ an aff he wint. * * . * Whin I was goiu’ from the foundry the other day Charlie Poster called out to me that there was to be another weddin’ at the Army Barracks. Whin I towld Katie, ses she, ‘ I’ll kape away from it ia case ye’d be gettin’ another scoldin’ Denis, an’ indade afther the New Year ye mnst thrate the Mayor an the Army as the servant girl said she was to be thrated.’ ‘ How was that, Katie P’ ‘ Well, her Inks were inherfavour, an’ whin a gintleman saw her at a door he axed if the house was to let, an’ she said no, an’ then he axed if she was to let. ‘ No, air,’ ses she, I’m to be let alone.’ So wid the Mayor an’ the Army, Denis.’ * * Angus an’ I had a fine time at the Ward banquet at the Bluff lasht week. ’Twas a grate laff we had to bear Tom Green, from Gore, pokin’ fun at McNah an’ his state av single

blissedness. ‘ Sure,’ ses he, * now that there’s a cry about a ciecrasin’ population, our legislators shod set an example.’ But McNab is too cute to be cornered in that fashion, ‘ an’,’ ses he, 1 Whose advice am I to take P Mr, Ward has just tould us in his favourite song, that there’s bound to be a row when a man is married, an’ I prefer to take his advice rather I than that of Mr Green.’ ‘ Nate, wasn’t it, Katie,’ses loomin’ up in the trane. ‘ It was,’ ses she, ‘ but shure you can’t blame Mr Seddon, for he raised all their wages lasht session, an’ they can’t plade poverty for not lukin’ out for befcther halves.’ * * * Sure, Mr Editor, did you hear av the grate fight bethune two faymales at the Bluff a few days ago. The man that towld meses it began in this way : —These two female Boxers were discussin’ family matters, etc., which led to thirn washing a bit av dirty linen an’ callin’ wan another names ; at lasht wan ses, ses she, ‘ If I , had a face like yours, I’d boil it.’ ‘ An’ sure,’ ses No. 2, ‘ if I had a face like yours, ’tis afraid I’d be to go out av a Sunday for fear av biakin’ the Sabbath.’ That lasht sittled it, an’ they wint for wan another tooth au nail, ache wan doin’ her livil best to secure the most kapesakes in the way av locks av hair, etc. But all things come to an end—as the man said on banquet day, when a brick hit him on the end ay his nose—and No. 2 faymale at lasht tuk to her heels, but not before No. 1, as a partin’ shot, had thrown a bucket at her, which instid av kickin, as No. 1 wished she wud. No. 2 tuk home wid her as a trophy. Sure if she’ll only sind the bucket to Ashton, the jeweller, he’ll inscribe her name on it, wid full particulars, etc., and it can be handed down to future ginerations as a heirloom. * * . * Sure, Mr Editor, wan av my timperance frinds towld me she was surprised at the Cross puttin’ in that letter about an ould man av siviuty walkin’ to Winton on the 9th av Novimber. ‘ Listen to this,’ ses she : ‘ Afther washin’ an’ dressin’ I made a glass av toddy.’ ‘ Here I had a glass av ale.’ ‘At the residince av another fnnd a glass av toddy an’ a biscuit.’ ‘ And patronised the booth (liquor not specified). Played euchre an’ had some toddy an’ went to bed.' ‘ Next day, after having a driijk with some friends, wint home.’ ‘Now,’ ses she, ‘if owld min av sivinty set such an example, bow can ye blame our young paple for gamblin’ an’ drinkin ?’ ‘ ’Tis not me place to argufy,’ ses I, ‘ but there’s wan thing I know —the liquor nivir goes to the ould gintleman’s fate, for 1 nivir saw his equal for dancin’. * * * I don’t know whether example had anything to do wid it or not, Mr Editor, but they do be «ayin that wan av the passengers on the new tug’s first excursion on Wednesday week—an uninvited guest, I’m towld - commandeered a bottle av whiskey out av a case on deck. He meant to have a christenin’ all to himsilf. But wan Roberts, not av South Africa but the Bluff, had his eagle eye on him, an’ made him return it. I’m thin kin’ the man must have been jokin’, for he’s nixt door to a teetotaller. Anyway, ’tis the vigilant man ‘ Bobs’ is to prevent smugglin’, an’ if he doesn’t soon be promoted an’ made an inspector av fisheries ’tis the surprised man I’ll be # * * Sure ’tis the proud man I am to hear that me word or two about Mi Glennie bein’ left out in the cowld has been acted on by the wise men av the Council. They’ve decided at lasht that he’s a fit an’ proper person to be in charge av the waterworkfwhile their engineer is doin’ the round trip. * # * I’m towld the Governor had a grate time in the Western District, an’ made himself quite at home wid the folks. As wan man put it whi axed how he got on wid His Exce - lency, ‘sure,’ ses he, ‘ he got on vei * well wid me.’ Me ould crony, Willie

| Hopcroft, at Gr a ramies Bush, was i quite delighted wid Lord Ranfurly, j an’ improved the shinin’ hour for all |it was worth. Ses he, ‘ I’ve been postmaster here for nigh on thirty years, an’ ’twould be a grate convenience if ye cud give us a daily male instead av two a week,’ His Excellency was understood to say that two males a week were worse than prison fare, but was sorry the matter was out av bis jurisdiction, an’ referred him to Mr Gilfedder, an’ failin’ him, to J. G. * * * Och, but’tisthe aisy-goin’ paplethey are in Riverton. Whin the Governor arrived there Mr Gunn, avthe Railway Hotel, had the Union Jack flyin’ in grate style, bub a frind pointed out that it was upside down. ‘ Tuts,’ ses me frind, ‘ that’s a mere thrifle—it doesn’t matther.’ However, afther lunch he altered his mind an’ the flag. But that’s Riverton all over. Wid the loveliest holiday resort in the wurrld, they don’t bother to attract visitors— £ it doesn’t matther.’ The only wan wid any go in thim is Miss Howell. I see she’s boomin' mutton birds’ oil up North as a cure for dpple blight. . Talkin’ av J. G., he’s goin’ over wid the Pipe Band, an’ is reported to be devotin’ the time betwane spacheraakin’ and banquets to lamin’ a new song —’tis called ‘ Come under me plaidie.’ ‘ There’s bound to be a row ’ is out av date. * * ♦ As tor the Pipe Band, ’twill not be Drum-Major Macgregor’s fault if it doesn’t make an impression on the Sydneyites. The other mornin’ whin 1 was oat on me bike ap Esk street way I saw a man walkin’ np an’ down quite fierce like in a backyard an’ twirlin’ a long staff over his head an’ pointin’ it down as if he was searchin’ for wather with a divinin’ rod. Ses I, ‘ What’s this ye’re afther doin’.’ Ses he, ‘me name it is Macgtegor, an’ on the sunny shores of New Sooth Wales me band’ll play thim blind.’ ‘ I admire ye’re pluck,’ ses I, s but kape on practisin’ till ye can fling yer stbick in the air an’ catch it again as irately as me frind Rowlands, now av Orepaki, used to do in the Garrison Band.’ * * * Angus an’ I had a fine thrip in the new tug to Pegasns. Some av us were say-sick. Wan man got down below an’ tied the handle av his bucket to the leg av a table. A big say came, an’ threw him to the other side. Ses I, 1 I think we’ve sthruck a rock.’ ‘ I don’t care what we’ve sthruck,’ ses he, so long as its something solid.’ Dbnis.