VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 3374, 26 January 1884, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Professor to a young lady student: “Your mark is very low, and you have only just passed.” Young lady : “ Oh, I’m so glad.” Professor, surprised : « Why ?” Young lady :“I do so love a tight squeeze.”

“ I don’t want rubbish, no fine sentiments, if you please,” said the widow, when she was asked what kind of epitaph she desired for her late husband’s tombstone. “ Let it be short and simple —something like this —‘ Wm. Johnston, aged 75 years. The good die young.’ ” Things that most people would like to see —Our society girls before breakfast, a church choir that never quarrelled, a church out of debt and with money to lend, an editor who can please everybody, and a high school girl who cannot whistle.

“How do you do, Mr Lincoln ?” said someone to the President. “Well,” said he in his characteristic way, “ that reminds me of a story. As the laborer said to the bricklayers, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, ‘ I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last,’ ”

“ There is nothing like settling down,” said a retired merchant confidently to a neighbour. “ When I gave up business, I settled down, and found I had quite a fortune. If I had settled up, I should not have had a farthing.”

The Laird (to the Minister, who has been holding forth on temperance) : “ But what should I do with my cellar of wine. You wouldn’t have me destroy it ?” Minister : “ Na, na ! that would be a sen! But get rid of it in a natural manner as soon’s as ye can —an' I'll come an’ help ye whenever ye like!” Mr Irving’s reception in Philadelphia will not cause him to be overflated with pride. The Philadelphians, judging by the eagerness displayed in purchasing tickets for his performances, rank him as highly as Mrs Langtry, and about half as high as Madame Bernhardt. — 1 Globe,’ A singer in a suburban theatre began to sing the song, “ For goodness sake dont,” a few nights ago, and was promptly hit with a rotten egg by one of the audience. “ Who threw that ?” he howled. “ I did,” cried a voice in the gallery, “ but for goodness sake don’t say I told yon.” This brought down the house, and the singer retired. At a select party given in her honor the night previous to her departure from Liverpool to America, Madame Patti paid M. Planquette the pretty compliment of asking him to accompany her in his valse from “Les Cloches de Corneville,” with which la diva so enraptured all present that the composer admitted he “had never heard the music sung to perfection before.” — “ World.”

The guard of an English railway carrirge recently refused to allow a naturalist to carry a live hedgehog with him. The traveller, indignant, pulled a turtle from his wallet, and said—“ Take this, toobut the guard replied good naturedly, “ Ho no, sir ; it’s dogs you can’t carry, and dogs is dogs, cats is dogs, and ’edge ’ogs is dogs, but turtles is hinsects.”

The “ Manchester Guardian ” reports a fatal accident of a peculiar kind which occurred to Mr William Henry Green, a student at Owens College. It appears that he was walking along at a somewhat rapid pace, and there being someone in front of him he stepped off the footway into the road. At the same time his foot slipped and he fell, just as a lorry loaded with bricks was passing. One of the wheels of the lorry passed over the head of the young man, and killed him instantly. The deceased was 24 years of age, and for some time had acted as private assistant to Professor Roscoe in his own laboratory. A family named its sons One Stiokney, Two Stickney, Three Stickney ; and the daughters were named First Stickney, Second Stiokney, Third Stickney. The three elder children of another family were named Joseph, And, Another; and it was proposed to call the rest, if any appeared, Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, and Notwithstanding. Another household actually named their child Finis, supposing it was the last; but three more were born, who were called Addenda, Appendix, and Supplement.

A horrible crime has been committed at Madeleine, in the vicinity of Lille. The assassin is a young man named Masquelin, the son of a woman who kept a wine shop in the Rue Joanne Maillatte. One night, at half-past 7, several persons passing by the shop, which was closed,heard Masquelin crying “ This time I have got at you." About 11 the neighborhood was aroused by cries of “ Help, help, they are killing my mother 1” This was Masquelin, who was knocking at all the doors and arousing the people. Masquelin stated that robbers had entered the shop, that he had killed one, but that the others were killing his mother. On several persons entering the shop they found the poor woman dead on the floor,her tongue having been cut out. The police arrested Masquelin atonce.who was known tohave often ill-tread his mother. He subsequently confessed his crime, giving revolting details of the difficulty he had to cut out the poor woman’s tongue.