Wise and Otherwise.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 21 August 1912, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

Teacher: Now, what is the best time to gather fruit? Small Boy: Please sir, when the doge's chained up! * •..■■■ •/ . •«■' . ■ ...«v:V. We women endure pain much better than men. Who told you that— the doctor? No; the shoemaker! Mother: Georgie, are you teaching the parrot to swear? Georgie: No, mother; I'm telling it what it mustn't say. • ' *•♦ • " • Do you know what a crisis is ? Yes; a telephone call to go to the theatre. and nobody home to button up your dress. *••• . • " Fat Man: What! Are you going to let this small boy shave me? Barber: Let the boy have his fun for once, sir. It i s his' birthday. * * * * # Mrs. Ager: My husband always* takes a day off when he has a birthday. Mrs. Kutting: When you have one I reckon you take a couple of I years off. * • • • » I Benevolent Old Gentleman (to seedy applicant for a job) : "But last man I helped turned out to be a burglar." Seedy Applicant:. "Ah, yer 'onour, that's how innercent men like you an' me 'as to suffer " * • # * # Reporter: "That man Smartset is very annoyed." Editor: "What's wrong?" Reporter: "We inserted that personal note about him in yesterday's paper under the heading: 'Things Wortn Knowing.' " .'* * * •* • Artist: "My next picture at the Academy will be entitled 'Driven to ' Drink," His Friend: "Ah, some powerful portrayal of baffled passion I suppose?" Artist: "Oh, no; it's a cab approaching a watering_trough " *■* * * * "Engaged to that beautiful girl and yet not happy?" "Well, she's gone in by turns for rowing, and tennis, and horses, and golf, and dogs." "Yes, well?" "And sometimes I wonder if lam a sweetheart or merely a fad " *** . « ♦ "Yes," said the returned hunter, "I had a narrow escape from a rhinocerous." "And what saved you?" • "The fact that the rhinoceros could not climb a tree had something to do with it," responded the hunter, mo. destly. * * • *. » Buyer: "Look here. That horse you sold me runs away, bites, and tries to kick down the stable at nigho. You told me that if I once got him at your price I wouldn't part with him for one hundred pounds." "Well, you won't." **#' ♦ . • The Professor's Wife: "The professor is in [he laboratory conducting chemical experiments. The professor expects to go down to posterity ~" From the laboratory: B-r-r-r! Bang!" The Visitor: "I hope the professor hasn't gone." ••••«■" Mrs. Ondergo (making a call): "I am sorry -bo hear you ~r« having trouble with your cook." Mrs. Upjohn:"Yes, I shall have to let Selina go. I didn't mind her practising on, the piano now and then, but she wants to join our tennis club." " * • • • • "Why did your cook leave so suddenly?" "She made two cakes dast, Saturday—one for us and one to take to her married sister. When she wasn't y looking I exchanged them, and took for our own use the one she had. intended to give away."

'Why was the engagement broken ?" "Because of misunderstanding," replied Miss Cayenne. "Each considered the other lacking in ekquette. They subscribed to different publications and weren't reading the same 'Hints on How to Behave in Society.' "

Daughter: "There is only one thing more, astonishing than the readiness with which Ned gave up tobacco when we became engaged." Mother: "What/

is that,astonishing thing." Daughter: "The rapidity with which he took it up again as soon as we were married."

Diffident Lover (trying to feel his ground—nervously) : "Do you know, I —er—actually dreamt that I proposed to you last night. «Now—er—what can that mean?" Practical Girl (promptly) : "Mean? Well, it means that you are a lot more sensible asleep than you are awake, Freddy."

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Heard at a municipal meeting: "I think there ought to be a 'bath in every house," said a working- man. The chairman agreed: if would be most useful and would add to the dean, liness of the people;. "Aye, it would," remarked the son of toil; "and, /besides, it would be so handy to wash the dog in."

"Look here, waiter," said Mr. Grouch,.scowling deeply over his plate. "I ordered turtle soup. There ain't even a morsel of turtle.flavour in this." "Of course not," returned the waiter. "What do_you expect? Shakespearesaid there was nothing: in a name. If you ordered cottage pudding wo%ld you expect a cottage in it?'"' ♦■ * * * .; •.. "."■' "Aunty," "said little.,J^&siaike,"don't you want "Thank you, . dearsHJ^^^^^^| " Sugared almonds'a^^^^^^^^^f mine." "The pink or.^^^^^^^H asked the little tot.' V^^^^^^^H please." There last piece had dis^^^^^^^^^H were all pink at |^^^^^^^^^^| marked Constanc^^^^^^^^^^^l