HUMOR, MORE OR LESS.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume L, Issue 16370, 1 March 1924, Page 8

HUMOR, MORE OR LESS.

M A ICING CERTAIN. “Did 1 1n- tin foe cop arrest you?” “Twice,” replied iho Goulburn motori.t. •‘When 1 couldn’t stop he ariosied me for speeding, and when 1 lii.nlly slopped, and couldn’t start again, he a; rested me for obstruel ion. ’ ’ * # * a lilS TOIL ENDED. “So Jack Hauler lias captured the heiress, ami is now off on his honeymoon .’ ’ ’ ”1 really den'l know whether one should call ii -lack’s honeymoon or his harvest moon.” —Boston Transcript. * & * ® HANDICAPPED. “Sam, do you solemnly swear lo tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but flic truth'”’ “Ah does, sail.” “Sam, what have you to say for yourself 7' ’ “Well, jedge. wit” all dem limitations you have jes’ put on me, Ah don't believe Ah has anything at all to say.” * Ct ' * Sf ACCOMMODATING. Eddie was visiting nl his country aunt ’s and uncle’s for the first time. Eddie, by the way, was a somewhat spoiled and pampered city child. At the first meal Eddie Carefully pared away all the crusts from his bread and ate the soft'part. .Seeing the crusts lying beside the boy’s plate, his stern uncle said: “ We eat crusts here! ” “Yes,” said the. diplomatic Eddie, “I noticed you did. I’m getting mine all ready for you!” •X* ■ft’ "X 1 # FNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES. While on a visit to the Highlands a gcnl lonian went to hire a.-carriage for the purpose of taking his family for a. drive. He looked tit a vehicle and inquired how many it would hold. The proprietor scratched his head thought fully. “Wool,” lie said, “it liau'cjs four generally, but six if they’re wool acquainted.’’—The Caledonian (South Africa). >:= * * * WITHIN BOUNDS. While making a visit to New York, a man unmistakably of country origin was knocked down in the- street by an automobile. A crowd instantly surrounded him with condolences and questions. “Are you hurt, my friend?” kindly asked a gentleman, who was first among the rescuers, as he helped the stranger to his feet and brushed the mud and dust from his clothes. “Well,” came the cautious reply of one evidently given to non-committal brevity of speech, “it ain’t, done me uo good.” « «< # © WHY IIE WAS THERE. The negro’s ingenuousness is monumental. You get the perfect example of if in the police court scene where the magistrate, exasperated but tryinghard tu be fair in an all too obvious case, says:

“A r es, but look here, Rastus; if you were not going to steal chickens, what on earth were you doing in that coop ’ ’

Of course, it, is an unanswerable question, except to Rastus, who, without the flicker of an eyelid, says: “Jedge, Ah was jest, a testin’ raah will-power! ’ ’ * -r * •» AT A PROFIT. A Scottish farmer was soiling wool one day to a carrier. After weighing il he went into the house to make out an invoice. When lie. came back lie missed a cheese that had been standing on a shelf behind the outer door, and, glancing at the bag of wool, he observed that il had suddenly increased in size. “Man,” said lie to the carrier, “I hac clean forgot the weight o’ that bag. Let’s put it on the scales again.” The carrier could not well refuse. The bag was, of course, found to be heavier by the weight; of the. cheese inside. A new invoice was made out, and the crestfallen carrier went his way. At once the carter’s wife missed the cheese, and, rushing to the yard, told her husband that some thief had taken i I. “Na, na, Sarah,” replied the farmer quietly, “I lute just sold the cheese Ini' two ski bill’s till' putol.” —The Caledonian (South Africa). e >:? * » RINGING FOR THE WAITER. The following amusing after-dinner story was recently told by fair Harry Fost or:— On a dreadful night, a party of touring motorists pulled up at an hotel in a small Scottish hamlet, qnd asked lo lie accommodated for the night. The landlord, a dour and nqf too obliging host, said: “I’ve nae accommodation here. House is I’u’. ” In vain the party pleaded for any kind of shake-down rather than face the elements again. The reply was the same. Overhearing the plea, an ancient waiter, who was doing temporary duty as the sexton of the church, suggested meekly to the landlord that: he might lix the party up in the church, nnd eventually, but not without, .reluctance, this was agreed to. The waiter escorted the party to the church, fixed them up, and locked the door. Later on, at what to the little community was the dead of night, tho church bell started ringing violently. At any oilier time than service time, 1 his was regarded as an alarm of fire, and heads peeped out from windows, and figures appeared at doors. Pi esently the ancient, waitcr-cum-sexton was seen ambling up the village st root.

“Where’s fire?” came to him from all sides.

“Wist!’ was the reply, “there’s nae fire. That’ll be two hot Scotch whuskies for pew number thirty-four!”