AMERICAN HUMOR.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XXXIV, Issue 10963, 4 May 1907, Page 3 (Supplement)

AMERICAN HUMOR.

"THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD." George Ade, whose "Fables m Slang ' rank almost as classics, has given an amusing version of "The Vicar of Wak.field." The writer introduces his subject thus : One of the first novels written m solid English, as distinguished from the American imitation with the veneer coating, .was by Oliver Goldsmith,, and it was all about what happened to;the preacher.' This was a long tiriie ago, before F. [Marion Crawford began turning then, out on his lathe. There we're no department stores m those days, and the bright young man who was troubled by inspirations had to go some m order to 'establish himself as a pomilar writer. The author succeeded m giving, away a good many auibgraph cOpies to sentimental friends, who said they would prize the volume ever sd much more if they didn't have to go out and buy it But when. he collected royalites he never had to borrow *any wheelbarrow m order to get the stuff over to the bamc. "After died; and the copyright-' ex; pired and his heirs could not claim a rake-off, nearly everybody on earth be,gan reading the -book- and they have been .at it ever since.., -„,. _.■■- As soon as a copy gets so tear : stairied that the lines are blurred and" the pages all' gummed together, the owner goes and gets a fresh- one for about 20 cents aiid starts td chuni up" his emotions one . more. ' -- , All of which goes to prove that a preacher who has been dead ,150 years hasn't an enemy in.the*world. ' At the time the. book was. written, the minister playing m a minor league was known as a vicar. Now he is known as a good many things, especially: if he dabbles m politics. ,; " :* . „ „. The/yicar got many a jolt. Alter organising a. large and hungry family, he woke one morning to learn that the friend who had arranged to let him ii\ on the' ground floor of a banner proposition was about to file a petition iii bankruptcy. ":' Liabilities, £82,000, assets, two suits of clothes; a cameo ring, and a hot- water bag.' • "•'.;. " . 'It is a blessed 5 provision : bfT nature that nearly every man ; who loses "his wad has a fine bpnch ot children that are quite beyond. ; the reach of greedy creditor's. We cannot 1 learn from a careful study of approved fiction that any old bach, ever went broke. He is lonely enough, goodness knows, and a vsry melancholy figure alopgv about Uhristrnas time, .but : he always has . a bundle of morieyT ihat your couldn't- push througll a-door." T _';--_ ? , ;.-.- ■: f: . ■ .-' After being trimmed, the vjcar and his family .Were Jiept close to the carpet^ The book devotes, a good many pages totelling, how "tbey were happy, even though they seldom _had._orie dollar to rvb against another/. Ih- factj the story leads us to believe that those whQ nave no velvet are seldom led irito teriiptation. . ■ We know, however;thatT the vicar and "his devoted missus and Tthe assorted flock of "yburig folks did riot miss a gi?eat deal by Being hard up; They; lived' <n the quiet, old-fashioned days; when a /ittle gboseberiy wine and family prayers made up a hot combination with ;which to fill a tong evening. vVj-y : grieve^over ;jhe J.Mrd- iu'ck M?:'y ii a household that was oil d»\t.K ,l«-..-g before people had learned how to roll Ueir money? . ' T '; ■' '■-:,.:.* The vicar knew, he had been on. the -level, and so he must haye been happy, for John Di says that those who try to get m and fall dow"n ; often derive a lot of consolation from the. knowledge that they have been unspotted. ' 'V The moral 'of this— don't let anyone spot you. . -T.--TT ■ _ But take this world-renowned story of Doctor Pririirose, up one side and down, the other, and it is? a tame affair compared with the adventures of a real busy pastor of the' new school.^ Then the writer" gbe's ori; to discuss m his quaint fashiori'r the" difficulties that surround the present day jninister. Church members have, asserted theii rights: as employers, and now; belong to the Missouri family. , Tbey sit back : . in their padded parquet chairs, and say to the bright "young entertainer just out oi college, "Come on -arid show : us." ■"-'■' If he fails to ; deliver; the goods they give hini the gate, arid, send off to the works for another sample. '.But if he is as handsdme|as E. H. Sothern, and' cari ' make the women, cry, and his clothes fit hini m the back; arid he has no dangerous, views conflicting with the opinions of the' penholders, he ■may. have affair charice of ; going right to work at a . salary one-third as large as ,that of a !PiU.burg;"puddler, and somerwhat m excess ;of that commanded by ii high-class farm hand. , ' Having entered upon his career, he is just as safe any minute as the man, who strolls through a powder magazine smoking a cigaroot. "- -'v'-. ''.'■■ In order: to; retain the nieal^ ticket ho merely has to talk like Beverfdge, be a diplomat of the John' Hay variety, do the social act with the grace and dignity of our old; friend Harry Lehr, and; swing the finances of the keen arid mas^ terly insight of Sec. Shaw, captain of the Wall-street lifesaving crew-. . It was fineT business for the Vicar of Wakefield to regulate his parish, . lecause whatever he said weiit.

' ? His humble followers . were not flirting with a, lot of outside cults, arid then coiriing to church every Sunday morning, loaded to the. grinwales with new and startling theories, arid just aching for a chance to 'trip' up the minister pnd make him out either a heretic or a howl--irig ignoramus. / ■- sT_.;- '■■"'.:.--.

' ?. : This year's preacher '; is supposed to have positive views on the subject of alcoholic nourishment. ... T .

Some of; therfblks; /in front believe that the aci.Of absorbing. a Scotch highball comes under the same category as hitting a crippled child With an axe. v Others, constituting what is known as the Liberal element, are known to keep it m the cellar, after havirigit delivered to the house hra grocery wagon. They are agin the liquor traffic, tnt they see no harm m a Dutch lunch with wet trimmings.. Now all that friend minister has to do m discussing 'the*, drink- evil is to be rabid enough to please the abstainers, and yet not drive away from the fold those who see no harm in.a home-grown thirst. '

If he shows, a frolicsome, disposition to mingle with the young; people and cut irito their outdoor .sports,- and try to look more like a commercial! salesman than an undertaker, so as to remove" the impression that he is hidebound, it is dollars to doughnuts that some venerable old dodo who manages a "vinegar refinery will file charges against him, and that a grand cluster T of TpetrifiedT elders will try him on thc "hidebris charge of being worldly.

If he remains single ho. cannot bold the gloved hand of any young sister for l-100th of a second without haviiig the cold eye of suspicion glued upon him. , If he marries, and wi fey does not Kippen to be that matchless combination of saint and society queen that everyone thinks she ought to.be, the sewing circle stops working on; pyjamas for the Hindoos- and becomes a grand little' anvil chorus.

The Vicar of Wakefield should be overhauledTif we are to get the true inside history of what happened to the preacher.

After he has bumped the bumps for many years, and crippled himself jumping sideways to „avoid unfortunate complications, and his pipes are worn out, and. he no longer floats; down the aisle on Sunday morning dressed . up like' a horse and buggy, and begins to be a little old and careless and slouchy, and keeps on handing out the same old speciality, instead of writing up a lot of new gag 3, with light effects and popular songs, be will be mighty lucky if the congregation does riot suddenly discover up m North field, Mass.," or out m Rloomington, 111., some child wonder with a voice like a bell and a whole lot. of new talk, arid the good old veteran will be expected to Eack up the 200 dols. worth of houseold goods ihat he has saved out of his .salary m less than 28 years and brush by without any' back talk .

"T. On. '.the. other hand ,if he makes a ten strike, and is reported m the newspaper., much to the horror of those who Tbelieve that a sermon should consist very largely of 7 ari explanation of what is meant by those parts of the Old Testament that no one understands, and gets a call to a metropolis, where the salary is bo large that he will be up m the same class with insurance agents and veterinary surgeons, you may rest assured that the harpoonists. will get after him good and plenty for being actuated by mercenary motives.

Oliver Goldsmith was a nice man, but what he didn't know about some of the new deals that have been fixed up for the gentle minister of the Gospel would make a book four times as big as the stingy little volume that he wrote.