FUNNY ITEMS.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume VI, Issue 684, 25 April 1879, Page 2

FUNNY ITEMS.

Operatic— Semiquaver fo'Ms wife : (who has been treated to the opera and is now conning the paper) : v Well my dear, what does it say about last night's performance V Wife (tastes (musical). "I don't see anything." Semiquaver : " Why, where are you looking for it?" Mrs S. : "In the criminal calendar, of course !" ltubby subsides. Josh Billing's Phliosophy.— When I was a young man, I was always m a hurry to hold the big end of the log and do all the lifting ; now I am older, I seize holding of the small end and do all the grunting. Wise men make the mistakes and fools the blunders, and this is about all the difference between them. The Champion Absemt Mind. — The most absent-minded man was not the man who hunted for his pipe when he had it betwean his teeth, nor the one who threw his hat out of the window and tried to hang his cigar on a peg 1 no ! but the man who put his umbrella to bed and went and stood behind the door. How to Spoil a Child. — A contemporary prints fourteen rules for spoiling a child; and • the quickest, and -most certain rule is omitted. If ydji wi nt to spoil a child, give the gounguter a didn't- i know-it-was-loaded pistol to 1 play with. It goes right to the Bpot,'and no post* ponement on account of the weather. A Fiend in <" Human Shape.—" Beg pardon, sir ! But Iv'e just caught these two young rascals making a slide m front of your doorstep, andthey r say as you gave 'em permission !" "It's quite correcti I did, policeman. The 'fact' lb. I expect my mother-in-law to luncheon. '' ' — Punch. ' - Betwixt and Between. — Friendly potman (to cabby)—-* • Well, Henery, are you goin' out with that kiokin' 'oss today?" Cabby— "No, Bobertit'sfourweeler's turn this time ; a kickin' 'oss may do for a 'ansom, y'see*— yuv got yer fare 'twixt you an' 'is 'eels if he wos to turn haccidental, but a four-wheeler ain't, you see". — Fun. Thephonograph is to be utilised byadding that machine to all the clocks m the house, so as to accompany their striking with appropriate remarks as to dinner, " Mamma, can't we have anything we want ?" " Yes, my dear ; but be careful and don't want anything you can't have." Delicate consideration for^He j elephant : Considerate little gm— < " Please, Mr. Keeper, will it hurt him if I (rive him a currant out of my buni" "What does Good Friday meant" asked oue schoolboy of another. •' Yott had better go home and read your ' " Robinson Crusoe,' '.'was the withering reply. .. . • / " I have a theory about the dead lan« guages. " said the Hew student. " What is it?" asked the professor. "That they were killed by being studied too hard."