FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3397, 23 April 1919, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Bess: "Sho seems to like everybody." Juno : "Yes; she has no husband." When you are tempted to say a smart thing it is just as well to remove the- smart from it.

—"A woman can easily make a man go up in tho air." "Yes; but her success as an air pilot would depend on her landing him."

Neighbour: 'I understand that your son got his B.A. and his M.A.?" Father: "Yes; but it is still P.A. that supports him." "Jaggs is a man who always goes to the bottom ql things." "Yes, I noticed that when I saw him at the punch-bowl the other night." "Johnnie," said the teacher, "what is your greatest ambition?" Johnnie considered briefly. "I think," ho said, "it is to wash mother's ears." Brown. "Well, not exactly," replied Jones. "If you ever caught that fellow tolling tho truth he would try to lie out of it."_ —"I like that clergyman's preaching." "Why?" "Well, he dives deeper into liis subject, stays longer under, and comes up drier than anyone I've ever heard." "No," said the editor, "we cannot use your poem." "Why," asked the poet; is it too long?" "Yes," hissed the editor. "It's.too long and too viide and too thick." "Yes," said the ydung wife proudly, "father always gives something expensive when he mukes presents." "So I discovered when he gave you away," rejoined the young husband. A bedraggled object gave a timid knock at the door. _ "If you please, kind lady," the beggar said, "I've lost my right leg " "Well, it ain't here!" retorted the lady of the house, and slammed the door. Jeweller: "This bracket is three pounds more than the other on account of the chasing." Customer: "Oh, but you won't have to chase me 1 I intesd to pay cash down." Old Gentleman (to small boy, who is nursing a bruised knee): ' 'Did you fall down, little -chap?" Small Boy: "Yer didn't think I fell up and bashad agin a cloud, did yer?" , He: "Here's a woman suing for divorce on the ground that she was in a trance when she got married." His Better Half: "Well, if marriage won't bring her out of it, divorce won't!" Sinks: "Say, old man, do you know of any cure for insomnia?" Jinks: "Counting one thousand is said to be a remedy." Binks: "Confound it, that's what everybody tells me; but the baby's too young to count." A purchaser of a riverside property asked the estate agent if the river didn't sometimes overflow its banks. "Well," replied the agent, "it isn't one of those sickly streams that are always confined to their beds." ■—"lt's, meat and drink to me to fall across a jolly good fellow like Smith," said Jone 3. "Well, judging from the condition you come home in when you have been with Smith," said Mrs Jones, "I should say it was meet and drink." "The war has changed all things. We older writers are quite upset. We don't know how to write any more," said a novelist. "Why is that?" asked his friend. "Well," was the reply, "imagine describing a girl's ear to-day as shell-like!" 'Wot yer goin' to do, Bill, now that the war's over?" "I'm goin' to live next door to the sergeant-major, and though I ain't got no taste for music, I'm bloomin' well goin' to teach myself to play the trombone—one of them big 'uns with a 'andle to ,%" _ "Did Harold speak to you this morning, papa?" "Yes;- but I couldn't make much out of what he said. I understood him to say that he wanted to marry me, and that you had enough to support him, so I sent him home and told him to write' it- out." ' # —A little boy in his nightdress was on his knees, saying his prayers, and his little sister could not resist the temptation to tickle the soles of his feet. He stood it as long as he could, and then said: "Please. God, excuse me, while I knock the stuffin' out of Nellie." —Sympathetic Sister: "Cheer up, Arthur. Mabel has treated you badly in jilting you, but you will soon forget her." Arthur (moodily): "Not for a long time, I fear. That lovely birthday present I gave her was purchased on the easy payment system." Mrs Carter's maid had been married three months, and she was visiting at her former mistress's house. "Well, Emma," asked Mrs Carter, "how do you like being married?" "Oh, it's fine, ma'am, getting married; yes'm, it's fine," replied Emma. "But lor', ma'am," she added, "ain't it tedious?" "Yus," said Bill the coster, "it were superstition as made me marry my missus." "How's that?" inquired his friend. "Why, it were a toss up 'tween her and Mary Jane. One day I was thinking which of 'em to have —Mary Jane or Anna—when, as I was walking along I saw a cigar lying on the ground, so I picked it up, and blowed if it didn't say on it Hav-anna,' so I had her." t— An eminent Scottish preacher was trying to explain to an old lady the meaning of the .Scriptural expression, "Take up thy bed and walk." He informed her that the bed was simply a mat or rug easily taken up and carried away. "Na, na," was her reply, "I canna believe that. The bed was a regular four-poster. There would be no miracle in walking away wi' a bit o' mat or rufj on your back." The minister went to visit a poor woman in Scotland who had just lost her husband. He_ tried to speak consolingly to her by pointing out that the deceased was in a-much happier state. "Just think, my good woman, ' said the worthy divine, "your dear husband is perhaps at this moment playing oh a harp." "Na, na." interrupted the sobbing widow, "roucalc guid that'll dae his rheumatisms, sittin' >ii a can Id cloud blawin' a trumpet." Slippery Sam had been brought before the court on a charge of chicken-steal'.ug. A great deal of very damaging testimony had been submitted to the court to substantiate the charge, and it was looking very serious for the prisoner. There was no lawyer present to defend him, and when tho prosecution had completed its case the judge turned to Sam and said: "You are oharged with stealing chickens; have you anv witnesses?" "No fear I" answered Sam with emphasis. " When I steals chickens I don't have no bloomin' witnesses!"