FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 3212, 6 October 1915, Page 67

FUN AND FANCY

Knthus;ast (at musical recital): “Wo shall hear more of this young man 1“ Sufferer: “Not to night, I hope.” —• “ That lawyer of mine has a nerve.”

‘\Why so?” “Listen to this item in his hill: ‘For waking up in the night and thinking over your ease, £s.’ ” ~ “ Please, sir, will you bring another mouse trap from town to-day?” “ But I brought you one yesterday.” “Yes. sir, but there's a mouse in that one!” _ —Enid - “I think that .Mr Muff is the nicest dancer. Ho is so easy on his feet.” Myrtle: “Humph! He may be easy on his feet, but he _ was hard on mine.” “Aw, Miss Violet. I always cat. a lot of fish. They say fish is brain food, you know." “But are you quite sure, Cholly, you haven’t swallowed some of flic bones?” had the faintest idea of what he was about.” “ And what did you do?” “ Why, of course, I was instantly up in arms about it I” - did your sister drop her Mi ssion work?” “ While she was out trying to uplift the children of others, another worker came along and tried to uplift her children.” mo? I get £5 a week.” “Reginald, you dress well.” “Yes.” “And I dress well.” “Well?” “Who will dress well after wo are married?” Miss Sweething: “When we are married we must have no secrets from each other. You must tell mo everything.” Mr Saphodde ; “ But—cr—really, I don’t know everything!” "My wife,” growled Kadley. “is the most forgetful woman.” “Indeed?” queried his friend politely. “Yes; she can never remember in the morning where I left my pipe the night before.” —• Mother: “Where have you been, Lizzie?" Daughter: “Only out for a walk in the park.” “With wliom?” “No one.” “Then explain how you come home with a walking-stiek instead of an umbrella.” - “ Your hoard bill is two months in arrears. Mr Hallrooin. Can’t you give mo something on account?” “ Gocd heavens, woman i Do you suppose I’d stay here if I had money enough to pay for mv hoard?” Blink (the wholesaler): “Weil, how many orders did you got yesterday?” Gink ((ho salesman): “I got two orders, in one shop.” “What were they?” “One was to got out and the other was to stay out!”

“Brownson made an unfortunate remark at H-irdup's wedding yesterday.” ‘‘What did ho Pay?” “Congratulated him on the treasure he had non, and everyone but Brownson knows Hardup married her for her money.”

“Mo brother is a eook in the navy. Oi’d have yes to know,” said the housemaid proudly. “Oh. moi,” said the cook sympathetically; “ain't that tunable? It must be awful t’ bo a cook where yez can't quit whin vez falo loike it.”

“Now. in case anything should gar wrong with this experiment,” said the professor of chemistry, “we and the laboratory with us will be blown sky-high. Now come a little closer, gentlemen, in order that vou may follow me.” —Mr Poster: “That’s a pretty woman who just passed us.” Mrs Pester: “H'm! Sho’s wearing her last season's hat. her puffs don't match her hair, her waist hikes un in the back, and her skirt sags on one side. Men never notice anything.” —“I know her father does not liko me. Ho wants mo to go to work in his factory.” “Wed. whv don’t you prove your worth by going? Then there will bo wedding bolls and a happy ending.” “I don’t know about that. It’s a high-explosive factory!” After the clock struck eleven the peevish father strode to the top of the stairs and called down : “Mabel, doesn't that young man know bow to say ‘goodnight’?” “Does be?” echoed Mabel from the darkened hall below. “Well, I should say he does.” “Who are those two sad-looking women over there?” “They’re a couple of neighbouring women who always get together to mourn.” “Torn by. some common sorrow ?“ “Yes; one’s husband never comes home, and the other one's husband hangs round all the lime.” “Have you any references?” inquired the lady of the house. “Yis. mum, lots of tlr’m.” answered the prospective maid. “Then whv did vou not bring some of them with you?” “Well, mum, to tell the troot, they’re just loike me photygranhs. None of th>m don’t do me justice.” -—The tramp had scaled the fence about 4in ahead of the bulldog. “'What are you doing around here any wav?” asked the woman who had loosed the dog. “Madam, > said the tramp with great dignity, “I was a-goin’ to ask for somethin’ to oat, but all I now ask is that you will food that there dog.” Brudder Johnson was a pompous negro who took an active part in church work. One night the preacher said: “ Brudder Johnson, will yon lead us in prayah?” “ Ah’m sorry to disappoint de I.awd to-night, pahson.” replied Brudder Johnson, “but Ah has a cold on mah chest.” . Robinson; “Why are you offering such a thundering big reward for the return of that balf-starved-look ng animal?” Allan: “Simply to please the wife.” Robinson; “Goodness, but such a reward will surely bung it back, and then you won’t half look sick.” Allan: “Rut, you see. I know it won t. I drowned him myself.” A young Scandinavian recently applied for a job as instructor at some municipal baths. As he was about s‘x feet s : x inches

tall and very rvcll bui't, the superintendent pave him an application form to fill up. Then ho ashed casually : “By the wav. can von swim?” “No.” replied tho applicant, “but T can wade like the dickens!” “Farm products.” eomp'aincd tho consumer. “cost a .great deal more than they used to.” “Pure they do.” agro°d Farmer Corntossel ehcorfullv. “When a farmer has to know the boian'eal name of what he’s raising and the zooiog’ca' name of the insect that eats it and the chemical name of what will kill it. somebody’s got to pay.” Seme lady visdors were going through a penhenHarv under the escort of tho superintendent. They come to a room where three women were sowing. “Dear me,” wlrscorod one of the visitors, “what, viciouslooking creatures! Pray, what are they here for?” “Became they have no other home. Tins is our sitting room, and they are my wife and two daughters,” blandly replied the superintendent. -—Just as he was setting off to business the pale, but proud, young father was stopped by n neighbour. who asked ; “How’s tho baby?” “Doing fine,” replied baby’s parent in a tired voice. “Don’t you

find,” wont on the other, “that a baby brightens un a house wonderfully?’ ‘I do,” said the father, stifling a sigh. Wn have the electric light on most ot the night A lady staying at a seaside hoardinghouse lounged wearily in the drawing room. I’m having a dull time here,” she complained to an elderly woman who sat placidly knitting. “You ought to mix more With the other guests, my dear,” was the replv. “I’m sure they are all ready enough to be friendly.” The bored lady hid a yawn. “What’s the good of listening to the scandals of a lot of perfect strangers?” she snapped. The hotel was not a very good one, find the travelling men know it. Nevertheless they were obliged to go there when they came late at night to the little town. In the middle of the night one of them was dimly conscious that something was wrorm. Suddenly he realised that the trouble came from a leaking gas jet. “Wake tip, Bill!” he shouted, shaking friend Violently. “The gas is escaping_!” “Well, ’ growled Bill, “can you blame it?” Monsieur wanted the picture hung to the right; madamo wanted it on the left. But monsieur insisted that the servant should hang the picture according to his orders. Consequently Joseph stuck a nail in the wall on the right; but, this done, he also went and stuck another in on the left. “What is that second nail for?” his master inquired in astonishment. “It’s to save mo the trouble of fetching the ladder to-morrow, when monsieur will have come round to the views of madarrie.”

A missionary from China gave an impromptu lecture on tho subject of the country and the work being done there before an audience of Sunday school youngsters, and believed he had thoroughly impressed the children with the idea of idolatry. To test them, he put the question : “Children, if you were to go into a Chinese place of worship, what would you see there that you would not see in any place of worship in this country?” With enc voice the entire class yelled: ‘‘Chinese !”