FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3115, 26 November 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

Little girl, have you lived here all your life?” “Not yet.” , . , What is better than presence ot mind in an accident? Absence of body- . When a young man thinks a gins piano practice is musio—that is lov '°' , a woman’s birthday and yet forge iei g —lsn’t it surprising how many of >oui friends are broke when you want to bo rO Y.'-‘Why docs he call his wife a dream?” “Because, like a dream, she is too good t Tho man who doosn t sow a fevv v. i ld oats in the spring is apt to put m a latge lO *L Love’s like the measles—all the worse when it comes too-late in hfo. Jcrrol . “Why is a hen immortal? mnno. Why is she?” “Because her son never According to an American writer, a platonic lover is usually a quiet chap who saves his money. i i r,u “Very “Hows your wife. “About the same.” , • f A cvnic defines “club as the ancient man’s weapon before marriage and tho W„r„"' s d»bt' tot a„.l then believe and worship. Men believe and worship first, and then doubt. “Has she any visible means of support?” “Has she! Say, did you ever see her in one of those slit skirts. -“Did ehe take it to heart when he broke off the No, but she took it to court, all right . “When father came home unexpectedly John made a bolt for the _ hall dooi. “Quite an engineer, isn t he. -Gabe: “Why do they eay that the ghost walks on pay-day?” Steve; Because that’s the day our spirits rwc. —“I thought your father left £poo for a stone in his memory! ’Yes. Ini "eating it” (exhibiting diamond ring). -“Arc you ically happy in your wedded life my dear?” “Oh. yes, mother. George and I J have lots of quarrels, and 1 ahvavs "-Madge: “Tou can’t take a long stride in that skirt of yours.” Marjorie: M> dear, when I go the pace I tra%el in an aU —“Do they give little Johnny any nicknames at scLol?” “Yes. They cal him ‘Corns.’” “Why? “He’s always at the She: “And that scar, major. Did you get it during an engagement? He (absently): “No; the first week of our honey - do you distinguish the waiters from the guests in this cafe? Both wear full dress.” “Yes, but the waiters keep sober. do you think makes the sea salt?” was a question put to a school class. A brilliant idea struck a boy. “Please, sir, the ’errings.” “X got my wife through advertising.^ “Then you’ll a'dmit that advertising-pays? “I’ll admit that it brings results, was the cautious reply. , Anna: ‘‘What do you suppose makes that baby erv so awfully loud?” Grace: “Why, both of its parents are hard of hearing, you know.” , , , , \ young spark who had roceued a threatening letter from his tailor wrote back; “Enclosed xiloase find £lO. lin hanged if I can.” Mies Neva Readi: “Icon arc the last man I care to sec at my door.” lax Collector: “That’s strange, since you always ask mo to call again.” . Happiness is a pleasant sensation that is more or less essential to human existence, and it is an individual possession of vital importance. “Six days shalt thou labour and do all thy work, and on the seventh do all the odd things, is said to bo a commandment the domestic servant must act up to. Clergyman: “Do you remember mo, my dear?” “I don’t remember your name, but you're the gen’leman mother makes me stay awake an" listen to in church.” A lady, upon being asked how she enjoyed her stay in Venice, replied that she was most unfortunate, as the whole time she was there the streets were flooded Lady Visitor: “That now girl of yours Bcema very nice and quiet.” Mistress: “Yes, _ she’s very quiet She doesn’t even disturb the dust when she is cleaning the room.” Employer: “Yon may have a two weeks’ vacation, with full pay, Jimmy. Office Boy: “Thanks, sir. Whore’s a good fashionable place to go and spend six dollars?” —Puck. Professor of Astronomy: “Can anyone toll, wht-i the ‘milky way’ is?” Tommy: “Please, sir, 1. don’t know what it is, but 1 think it was cauecd by the cow jumping <K«r Vhe moon.” OxsUmcr: ~T think these Louis XV heels sro too high. Give mo a size smaller, oltase—<?f perhaps Louis XIII even would la« high enough.” —“I askod the young woman in front tc remove her big hat so that I could see the jtugo.” ‘ Did sho do it?” “No; she said if she held her hat in her lap she couldn’t sec the i.tago herself ” hU dislike c-f a compatriot, said: “He’s one of those men who smack you on the hack before your face, and hit you in the eye behind your back.” robin, “who and what are you?” “I’m a little bird,” replied the robin. “Oh. is that so? Pm a little burred, loo,” rejoined the chestnut. Senior Partner; “That new stenographer spoils ridiculously.” Junior Partner: “Docs she? Well, if sho does, it’s about tho only word she can spell, so far as mv observation goes.” “Your ’air’s crofting thin, sir; lot me tell you ” “That’s all right. I put something on it every morning.” “May 1 ask what yon put on it, sir?” “My hat!” Operation finished in silence. tickets. We’re getting up a raffle for a poor man of our neigh ” “None for me, thank you! I wouldn’t know what to do with a poor man if I won him.” And do vou believe that a woman always turns to the last page first when she picks up a book?” He: “Well, I have no reason to doubt it. I know it is the nature of the fair sex to want the last Vord.” , The story is told in Harpers of a little girl, aged four, who accompanied her mother to the butcher shop. As she saw the sawdust-oover'-d floor she exclaimed : “Oh, mamma, how many dolls this butcher Isas braken!”

Contributor: ‘‘You see, I followed your rules, and wrote only on one side of the paper.” Editor: “You can do better still.” Contributor (eagerly): "How'/' 1 Editor: “Don’t write on either side.” Customer; “You say this rat poison is very effective. But will the rats eat it?” New Assistant: “Oh, yes, madam! They like it so much that I expect all the rats in the neighbourhood will flock into your house after it.” (No sale.) Veteran: “'Wen I wus in Egypt in 1860 I wus walkin’ in the desert one evening, wen all of a sudden I met a Polar bear.' Lady: “But there aren’t any Pola/ bears in Egypt.” Veteran: “Excuse me, mum. I’s talking about sixty years ago.” • —This story is not exactly new, but there is a smile in it still. Among the . members of a working gang on a railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures The boss, thinking that he would get ahead of Pat, said, “Say, Pat, how many skirts can you get out of a yard?” “That depends,” answered Pat, “on whoso yard you get into.” —At the close of his talk before a Sunday school the bishop invited questions. A tiny boy with white eager face at once held up hia hand. “Please, sir,” said he, “ why was Adam never a baby?” The bishop coughed, in doubt as to what answer to give, but a little girl, the eldest of several brothers and sisters, came promptly to his aid. “Please, sir,” she answered smartly, " there was nobody to nurse him.” The telephone, it is said, makes slow progress in Russia; and small wonder! Fancy a man going to an instrument and shouting, “Hullo, is that you, Dvisastkivchsmartvoiczski?” “No, it is Zollcmschouskaffirnocknstiffsgrowoff. Who is that speak“Seximochockrorbyaksniakischchokemoff. I moff I want to know if Xliferonianskofflskillmajuwchzvastowskswoibierski is still sloping with Dvisasbkivchsmartvioczski.”