FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3103, 3 September 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

Landlady: “Will you take tea or coffee-;” Boarder: “Whichever vou call it.”

sel’s advice,” said a Highgate prisoner. “And who arc you working for now, matey - ;” “The same people—wife and five kids.”

how long is that steak of mine going to be - ;” Waiter: “About six inches, sir.” Gertie: “I wish you to know that I don't stand on trifles. -1 Helen (glancing at her feet): “No, dear; I see you don’t.” “Madame, can I sell you a vacuum cleaner?” “No, sir; we haven’t got any vacuum in this house that needs cleaning.” • —Gibbs: “I admire a man who says the right thing at the right moment.” Dibbs: “So do I, particularly when I’m thirsty!” Mrs Justwcd: “Just think of it, dearest one! Twenty-five years from the day before yesterday will bo our silver anniversary !" “We’ve got a brand new piano,” said Mr Merino. “But nobody in your family can play it.” "Yes, that’s the best thing about it.” “'Why did that pretty young girl marry that rich old miser?” “Because he vowed he would die for her, and she took the chance.” The Boy: “I say, father, if the last day came and the earth was destroyed, and an airman was flying, what would he come down on?” Merchant: “I’m afraid you won’t do. On principle, f engage only married men.” Applicant: “Ho you happen to have a daughter, sir?” Jones: “What do you think will bo the end of the woman question?” Brown:

“There won't bo any end. They’ll always be asking- ’em.” She (pointing to a lady with exceptionally “showy” evening dress); “Rather original costume, don’t you think?” Ho; “Aboriginal, almost.”

Flossie: “Physical culture i.s simply splendid. I’m taking beauty exercises.” Bertie: “You haven’t been taking them long, have you?” Young Man (dining with his ownest own): “Oh. waiter, may we'(have a spoon here?” Waiter: ‘No objection, sir, if you don’t mind the other guests.”

—Mr Hogan; “Where did Oi git th’ black eye? Oi'm just after bein’ initiated.” Mr Kelly: “Into what society?” Mr Hogan: “Into th’ society av me mother-in-law.”

“What is it.” inquired the Sunday school superintendent, “that causes us to stumble and fall by the way?” “The hobble skirt, sir,” replied a fair member of the class “No man can servo two masters,” thundered the pastor. “I’ll bet be doesn’t know what it is to have twins at home,” sighed the harassed father as he was leaving the church. Pat was trying to give a definition o! the thinness of an acquaintance. “Shore,” ho remarked to a friend, “you’re thin and I’m thin, but he’s thinner than the both a\ us put together!” A schoolmaster relates that when he was one day about to punish a small boy, the miscreant, evidently recalling an experience at the dentist’s, exclaimed: “Please, sir, may I have gas?” Visitor: “Why docs your servant go about the house with her hat on?” Mistress; “Oh, she’s a new girl. She only came this morning, and hasn’t made up her mind whether she'll stay vet!”

• ‘ I’ve got you down for a couple of tickets. We’re getting up a raffle for a poor man of our neigh ” “None for me. thank you! 1 wouldn’t know what to do wi th a poor man if T won him.” “Perhaps you drink too much coffee?” suggested the doctor. “I should advise you to try a substitute.” “Sir, your advice is superfluous,” replied the patient. “I have lived in boarding-houses for twenty-five years.”

Maude was home from college. “Will you,” she paid to her mother, “pass me my diminutive argentoous, truncated cone, convex on its summit, and semi-perforated with symmetrical indentations?” She was asking for her thimble.

Jennie: “lie must have a soft spot in his heart for me!” Minnie: “Why?” .Jennie; “He says he is always thinking of me.” Minnie: “Rut you know a man does not think with his heart. The soft place must be in his head !” “Why, Tommy, I see you have a let of new furniture,” said the inquisitive visitor, calling upon the Spendalls. “^ r cs,” returned Tommy, “but I think the man we bought it from must be sorry be sold ;t, ’cos he’s always calling.” Miss Oklgh-l; “I think that was mst lovely to give Susan a rose for every year of her age.” Mr Soimlropn: “Good thing they don’t do that for everybody.” “Why. pray?” “Some poor follow'd have had io buy a greenhouse for you.”

-—“Docs my boy.” inquired the parent, ‘‘seemi to have any natural bent in any one direction?” ‘Yes, sir.” said (he teacher. “He gives every indication of being a captain rif industry some dav. Ho gets the other bo\s to do all his work for him.” —• ‘’Were all your children born in wedlock?" asked a Parish Council clerk (Tie other day of a mother who had applied for relief. “Xo. sir,” answered the woman; ‘‘they were a’ horn in Paisley. I’ve never been near that ither place in ma life.” An American motoring throiTgh a small Scotch town was pulled up for excessive snort!. ‘‘Didn’t you see that notice. ‘Dead S! ow‘?" inuuired (he policeman. ‘“’Course I did.” replied the Yankee, “but I thought it referred to your durned little (own !” An elderly female unconsciously clambered into a smoking compartment, and was great I v perturbed when a workman m (lie onposito corner produced a clay p : ne. ‘'Sir.” she snapped, “smoking always makes me sick.” “Ave?” said (ho offender; “ye should chuck it. then.”

—-Swell: “Yes. sir. T made all my money bv the sweating system—by making the other fellows do the sweating while I rake in the coin.” Friend: “I should be ashamed to acknowledge it if I were you.” Swell: “Whv, there's no harm in heimr (he proprietor of a Turkish bath, is there?”

James and John were discussing sensitive people in general, when James sa : d John: “T don’t know how it comes, but I am very sensitive, and often take things to mvr-elf that were never intended for me." “till!" exclaimed John. “T know a chap who got s’x months for the same thing.”