FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3003, 4 October 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

He: "That fellow over there cheated me out of a cool ten thousand." She: could he?" He: "Wouldn't let me marry his .laughter." _ ... "Your sister's a long time making her appearance, sonnie," remarked the impatient visitor. "Well, she'd be. a sight If she didn't make it," was the mistakenly candid reply. „ . . Warder- "Hi, No. 99! Your missis has called to see you." Convict » -is in for bigamy): "Oh lor 1 Can t you tell her that I'm not at home.' "Where is Mary now?" .mother Malaprop was asked. 'She is in Pans, and she SS5d spend all of her time there if she could. i&ie's the greatest Parasite I ever

f. Gloomy Individual (in restaurant): "Have yo7any prussio acid?" Waitress "Good Pcious-no!" Gloomy I^" 1 "iSd "Then bring .me one of your steak and a ponny to the giver)f "'Excuse me, less than s threepence., - Wh* not. union ru&s, and if 1 take kss I lcse my card. , hold ve ry .—Optician: "anese .glasses hold ry firmlv Customer: jy e" w» •™, ,„ ** th? text fa ° feSf-hour V«*. •"Hiero'are times when I envj, my hair" remarked the man who .had failed Til different busing ■ansa whv?" queried his wife. . ffos& out on top," explained ae of pins in a ner.-ous a| she^ Wd SffS* gave » such rSbock. I thought at first there what has happened?" Sarah Jane: "Oh, mum, Ive ESS down the stairs neck." Mistress (firmly):. WeU fj wnac £w you've broken will be deducted from Man: "Here's a -Jg^ vou to go 'to the concert." Office Boy, Jm&K&, sir- Anything I can do for *touT' Business Man: "Yes. Learn to whistle a«w tune for the office. lam a •ittle tked of the old ones. -Creditor (angrily): "Look here when „™ vUn o-oinff to pay the £lO you owe r ? » y ° U D g ebto g r *™ " reminds me of the old -adage. - What old ladage?"—"The one about a fool s .abffityto ask questions that a wise man cannot answer . . „jo»> "What's that you have in your hand; 4S ked Mrs Gimlet, of her husband, as he Wgfct home a roll of manuscript. •Crania, Piadam," retorted Mr Gimlet pompously. "Are you * surprised at the Cctr "Not in the least, 1 ' she .repUed. U I knew- you didn't carry them in your "Look here, my friend, that dog of yours killed three sheep of mine last night, and I want to know what you propose to do about it."—"Are you sure it was my I hardly know what to do. I think I had better sell aim. You don't want to buy a good dog, 4o you?" . "What was. the best job you ever did?" inquired the firet barber. .1 once jhaved a man," replied the second barber. ''Go on."—"Then I persuaded him to have i hair-cut, shampoo, facial massage singe, tea-foam, electric buzz, tar-spray, and tonio rub."—"What then?"—"By that time he. needed another shave." Episcopal duty in some parts of Australia has its humorous side. One prelate, on his first journey round, was flung into deep mud bv a restive horse. Rising ruefull v, with his chaplain's help, and surveying"" the place, the bishop consoled himself with this reflection: "I have left a very Jeep impression in that part of the diocese, at any rate." !ng to-morrow?"—"I hae ma doors."— "How is that? Is he away from home? —"I dinna ken whaur ho is"—"Not ill, is he?"—' I hae not heard."—"Then what makes you think he won't be fishing?"— ■"I cßdna say he wouldna be fishing. I said I hae my doots. He's been dead nigh on a year." "Have you any children? demanded the landlord. "Yes," replied the would-be tenant, solemnly, "six—all in the cemetery." "Bettor there than here," said the landlord, consolingly; and proceeded to arrange the missive, which was duly signed and put away. Thereafter the children returned from the cemetery, whither they had been sent to play; but it was too late to annul the contract. —At a banquet held in a room the walls of which were adorned with many beautiful pamtings, a well-known college president was oalled upon to respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with one of his characteristic gestures, he said: ' 'What need is thure of these ]jn.inted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?"

~ "Halloa Bill! Have you heard about Jimmy Strong getting locked up?" Bill: "No* what's he bin locked up for?" Tern: "Why, he was outside a pub last night when the bobby told him to move on; but Jimmy wouldn't; so the copper called for assistance, and another coming on the scene, Jimmy -got desperate, . and tossed them all over the place. After a while he was locked up, taken 'before the magistrate, •and. fined five shillings and costs for gambling." Bill: "For gambling? I can't see thai." Tom: "Why, for tossing coppers V the street." —He was a raw recruit, just enrolled in

A crack cavalry regiment, and paying his flrJvJ; visit to the riding school. " 'Ere's yer horse," said the instructor. The recrur* advaned, took the bridle gingerly. and examined his mount with great care. "What's" it sot -this strap round it for?" he «ffced, pointing to the girth. "Well," exthe instructor, solemnly, "you see, all 01*' horeee 'ave a keen sense of humour, an' ah they sometimes 'ave sudden fits of laugh&sr when they see the recruits, we Jut bands round 'em to keep 'em from •ursfcia' their sides!"