FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2862, 20 January 1909, Page 78

FUN AND FANCY

! — "My wife is a wonder." — "As to how?" — '"Doesn't think she could have married better than she did. Says I was the best chance she had." — "Why dees he hang around the piano? He just murdered his song." — "Well, they claim a criminal can't keep away froni the seme of the offence." — Ser\ant (with a newly-married couple) : '"To di?y master noticed for the first timo thai 1 had been smoking his cigars. That shows The honeymoon is over." — "Well, we've been married two years now." — "And you and your wife still get along amicably?" — "Yes; we have disappointed a great many people." — The Visitor: "How old are you, Tom? ' The Boy: "Aw! Ma says I'm tco yountt to cat the things I iike an' I'm too old to cry when I don't get 'em!" — Fred: "I am told she is very clever, but I never noticed it." Marjorie : "Of cout=« not. She says, all the clever things about you after jou have gone." — '""Wanted, 10,000 cockroaches and other injects by a tenant who agreed to leave hit preosnt residence in the sauve condition as it was when he took it." — Tom (proudly): "Miss Pinkleigh has promised to be my wife." Jack (consolingly): "Oh, don't let that worry you. Women frequently break their promises." — "Did your ancestors have a family tree, Mr Maguire?" — "Family tree, is it, mam? One of me anoeetors controlled th' intire privilege of the Garden of Eden." — "Every cloud has a silver lining. Will you admit that?" — "I will," said the pessimist. "But what good does that do me when there are no really successful airships?" — Tommy: "Papa, was writing done on tablets of stone in the old days?" Tommy's Father : "Yes, my son." Tommy : "Gosh ! It must have taken a crowbar to break the news." — Mamma (sternly) : "Don't you know what the great King Solomon said, 'Spare Ihe rod and spoil the child'?" Bobby: "Yes; but he didn't say that until he was growed up." — "I am considering whether I shall put on a masque," said a theatrical manager. "Don't bother on my account," waa his leading lady's comment ; ''I liave got used to your face." — Evelyn : "1 just met Clarence. He is a conversational foozle." George: "Howe that?" E-\elyn: "He makes love when he ought to play golf, and he talks golf when he ought to make love." —"I wouldn't do for politics. I guess," said the pretty girl ; "I'd simply vote the way papa votes." "In that." remarked an observer, "you wouldn't differ so very much from most men." — Constable: "Come along, you've got to have a bath." Tramp: "A bath! What, with water?" Constable: "Yes, of course." Tramp: "Couldn't you manage it with one o' them vacuum cleaners?" — "I've got a great deal of pleasure from anticipating the trip." — "More possibly than you'll get from th© trip .itself." — "That's what I think. So I've decided to stay at home and save the money." — Employer (angrily): "What are you throwing those handbills on the pavement for?" Bill Distributer: "Well, guvnor, that's wot the people does I gives 'em to. So it's only saving time." — "Bridget," said Mrs Grouchey, "I don't like the looks of that man who called to see you last night." "Well, well," replied Bridget, "ain't it funny, ma'am? Ho said the same about you." — "Do the people in your section live to a good old age?" asked" the passenger with the auburn tie. "They do," answered the gentleman from Kentucky, "unless they get mixed up in a family feud." — Father: "And how are you getting on at, school, Johnny?" Boy: "Oh! I have learned to say 'Thank you' and 'If you please' in French." Father : "That is more than you e\er learned in English." — Laundryman: "I regret to tell you, sir, that one of your shirts is lost." Customer: " But her-e, I have just paid you 3£d for doing it up." Laundryman: '"Quite rig-ht, &ir. W-e laundered it before we lost it." — Yonugly : "Did you e\or notice that the matrimonial process is like that of making a call? You go to adore, you ring a belle, and you give your name to a maid. ' Cynicus: "Yes, and then you're taken in.'' — Medical Student: "What did you operate on that man for?" Eminent Surgeon: "One hundred pounds." Medical Student: "I mean, what did he have?" Eminent Surgeon: '"One hundred pounds." — Howell : "A good deal depends on the formation of early habits." Powell : "I know it; when I v.as a, baby my mother hired a woman to wheel me about, and I have been pusher] for money ever since." — She: "Sometimes you appoar really manly, and sometimes you are quite effeminate. How do you account for it?" . 110 : "It's hereditary, I suppose. One-half cf my ance^tore were maks and the other half females." — ' "Electricity in the air affects your system," feaid the physician. "Yes,"' paid I the patient, who had paid five guineas for five visits, "I agree with you that there are time, when one feels, slightly o\er-chavg-ed." — "See here," aeked the cautious stranger, "if I decided to stay here for a week how much is it going to cost me':" "You can answer that best yourself," replied tho clerk of the summer hotel. "How much have you got?" — Grace: "Yen, she loves to play whht, but 't almost drives her crazy." Harry : "How so?" Grace: "Why. nbe has an I impediment in her speech, and by the time she ca-n ask 'What 8 trumps?' it's something el=e." — "Boy," called out the driver of tho eight-horse team, reining up with a flourish ! in front of the country inn, "come and hold my horses a minute, will you?" "Hold 'em yourself," answered the Loy ; '"I ain't no octopus." — The Needy One: "I say, old man, could you lend me a sovereign for a day or two?" The Other One: "My dear fellow, the sovereign I lend is out at present, and I've several names down for it when it comes back." — Mrs Spender: "I wonder how you'd like it if I ever got 'now-womanish,' and j insisted upon wearing men's clothes?" Mr I Spender: "Ob, I haven't any fear of you ever doing that. Men's clothes are never "icry expensive!" — "You cay this man stole your coat?" said the magistrate.. "Do I understand that you prefer charges against him?" "Well, no, your Honor," replied the plain- , tiff; "I prefer th© coat, if it's all the same to you, Bir."

— Old Gentleman : "Rashis, if yea had half of that big water-melon would you be happy?" Little Rastus : "No, sah." Old Gentl-eman: "What more would you want to complete your happiness?" Little Rastus : 'T).3 odder half ob dat melon, sali." — The adjutant had lectured a squad of recruits on company drill, battalion drill, and every other form of movement that he could think of, and at last threw in a little instruction of his own on personal behaviour in face of the enemy: — "On the field of battle a brave soldier will always be found where the bullets are thickest, you undei-stand. Private Jones, where v/ould you be found, then, on the battlefield?" Private Jones: "In the ammunition waggon, sir." —An Oxford student was showing two fair cousins through Christohurch College. "That," he explained, "is tho picture gallery ; that, the libraTy ; and that tower contains the famous bell, 'Great Tom of Oxford ' " Stooping quickly he picked up a 6tone, and sent it crashing through a se-con-d-storey, ivy-framed window, where chere immediately appeared a face, purple with rage. "And that," added the young man, helpfully, "is the dean." Thus it was that he came to leave one eeat of learning for another. — A boy of 12 years of* age, with an air of melancholy resignation, went to his teach-er in one of the Liverpool sohoob the other day, and' handed in the following not© from his mother before taking his 6eat: — "'Dear Sir,— Please excuse James foxnot being p?esent yesterday. He playet! truant, but you needn't thrash him for it, ac the boy he played truant with an' him fell out, and he thrashed James ; an' a man they threw etones at caught him and thrashed him; an' th© driver of a cart they l.ung on to thrashed him ; an' the owner of a eat they chaeed' thrashed him. Then I thrashed him when he came home, after which his father thrashed him, and 1 had to give him another one for being impudent to me for telling father. So you need not thrash him until next time. He thinks he'd batter attend regular in future."