FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2811, 26 August 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

— No^ one is defeated until he gives up. — Industry is « better friend than talent. — The short cut tc happiness is goodness. — A man of sense talks lirtle and listens much. — It's nobility, not. aristocracy, that helps a nation .„ — A wise man always pretends to take hh wife's advice. —It is sometimes wisea* not to see an insult ihan to avenge it. — She: "I iove these old oaks." He: "And 1 I adore yew." She: "Oh, that's a chestnut." _ - — Landlady: "You make an aviful noiso with that flute." Boarder: "Well, I'm j sorry to- hear it." Landlady : "So's everybody else." j — "Are you a teetotaler?" asked the i"n'ployer, inspecting* the applicant for a pUvc. "I used to be, sir," replied the applieaa r , but I reformed." j — Bob: "Yes, since the Spriggses lost their money 1 have stopped calling there." j Gertie: "How good of youl How thankful ■ I am sure they are !" -"Do you drink?" asked the lawyer of the witness. "That's my business," replied the witness angrily. "Have you any other bu&iness?" pursued the lawyer blandly. — Freddy Pickle: "But, weally, don't jou envy "me? All I have to do is piay j gentleman." Miss Tabasco (with a ya-wn) : •'Yes, but you axe such a poor actor, Freddy." — "What should 1 play?" asked the organist, and the clergyman, who was rather j absent-minded, replied: ""Well, it all d-e- ! jends on the sort of ha-nd you have got. j Have you plenty of trumps ?" ( j — "Have you any nice fresh farmers eggs?" inquired a precise old lady at a j grocery shop. "No, ma'am," replied tho j practical assistant, "but we have some very : good hens' eggs." She took three to t\-y- j — A minister, having walked through a j village churchyard' and observed the md's- j | criminate praises bestowed .upon the dead, wrote upon the gatepost the following : — j "Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!" 1 — Startled labourer (who has just skipped j f out of the way of a falling block of atone | about three ton 6in weight) : "Be & bit more careful up there. Another 'alf a foot and you'd 'aye to 'aye bought me a new i 'at!" I — Hotel Servant: "The man of the iop | floor complains that the Ax>f leaked •» I badly last night that he was soaked through and through." Landlord : "Is that so? Well, just chair ge him in the bill with an extra shower bath." —"I am proud ,to say that my grandfather made his mark in the world?" observed line conceited youth. "Well, I suppose he wasn't the only man in those , day* who couldn't write his name," replied hie bored companion. — Wayward Sobbs: "I used to be a milkman, s lady ; aftex that I was a sailor " Airs Handotit: "Quite a difference of vocations." Wayward Hobbs: "Oh, I don't know. On my first voyage I was at the pumps most of the time." The teacher took advantage of Ino weather to tell the class some of the eiu-i-ous things about heat. ' Then he asked 1 j questions. "Wihy does a dog hang its tongue out of its mouth?" was one. an-3 the answei of a bright- boy oanie pat — " 'To balance its tail." — "It has come to my knowledge, said an author to a reviewer, "that privately you. 'have pronounced the opinion that my latest is the worst book I ever wrote. "You have been misinformed," retorted the reviewer. "I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote !" —In a Russian prison a warder reported j No. 20,176 as troublesome. "Put him on bread? and water," eaid the^overnor. "But he has l>eon on fast diet for three months, ' v.iis the reply. "Then keep ir up, and give , 1 im a cookery book to .read aloud," eaid tln> resourjeful Governor. — Irate passenger (leaning out of the i window of a, carriage in a moving tram) to porter: "What the deuce are you thinking of? Why didn't you put my trapa aboard?" Porter (pityingly) : "Your luggage is no such a fule as yersel. Ye' re a-wa' in th' Gxeenock, no' iv th' Ayr train !" — Seeing a tramp hurry away fro n a large house, a fellow professional askc-d him what luck .he had met with. "It ain't worf arskin.' there," was the reply. "I je.s. 'ad a peep through the winder. It's a poverty-stricken 'ouse, mate. There was acshully tv.'o lydiec playing on one planner !" — James was asked by a friend to go to a concert with him. James consented to %o. They had not proceeded far before Javnes had asked how much the seats were. "Well," replied his friend, "the front searts are two shillings eaeb> back seat-s a shilling each, and programmes a penny each." "All right," said James. "I'll eit in the programmes . " — A Scottish farmer cne day called to a farm lad, "Here, Tarn, gang icon and gie th© coos a cabbage each, but mm' ye gie the biggest to the coo that gies themaist milk." The boy departed to do' his bidding, and oi his return the farmer asked him if he had done as he was told. "Aye, maister,'' replied' the kd, '"I gied 'em a' a cabbage each, and hung the biggest on the pump-handle." — A commercial traveller was bragging about the magnitude of the firm he represented. "I suppose your house is a pretty big establishment?" said the customer. "Big? You can't have any idea of ite dimensions. Last week we took an inventory of ihe employees, and found out for the first time that three cashiers and four bookkeepers were missing. That %vill give you some idea of the magnitude of our business." — A traveller waited at a. certain English provincial town in vain for fche much overdue train on. the branch line.' Again he approached the solitary 6leepy-looking porter aiu? inquired for the twentieth time, "Isn't that train coming soon?" At that moment a dog came trotting v? the line, and a glad smile illuminated the official's face. Ah, yes, sir," replied the porter; "it'U be getting insar now. Here comes the engine-driver's dog." — "I sent you an account of five pounds for collection," said a man, coming into the office of a lawyer. — "Yea, you did." — > "What success have you had?" — "Sued him iasfc week and got it." — "That's good. Give jne the money, and tell me the amount of your fees and I will pay you." — "My feets are ten pounds. I "have given you credit for the 'five pounds collected, pay me another five poun-ds and we'll be square." "Wliat'2" gasped the man.. "I doai'4 Beg

where I make anything by collecting the debt." — "Nothing, my dear sir, from a. money point of view, but you have the' satisfaction of knowing that a di&honest man has been brought to justice."