"MR DOOLEY" ON THE BRINGINGUP OF CHILDREN.

Otago Witness, Issue 2686, 6 September 1905, Page 89

"MR DOOLEY" ON THE BRINGINGUP OF CHILDREN.

Mr F. P. Dunne, the creator of the renowned Mr Dooley, has a clover and most amusing column in last week's Westminster Gazette. Mr Dooley is discussing with his friend Mr Bennessy the absurd paternal raptures of a mutual friend, Hogan, over his first child: — " I wint pround to &cc this here projidy th' other day," says Mr Dcoley, " Hogan met me at tli' dure. ' Wipe off ye'er feet,' says he. "Why?" says 1. 'Baby,' &ays he. 'Mikrobes,' he says. He thin conducted me to a basin iv ysater an' instructed me to wash me hands in a preparation iv carbolic acid. When I was thnrly perfumed, he inthrajooced me to a toothless o" gintlemstn who was settin' up in a cradle atin' his right foot. ' Ain't he fine?' says Hogan. ' Wcndherrful,' says I. ' Did ye iver see such an exprecsyon?' says he. ' KJver,' sa\s I, 'as Hiven is me ju-dge, niver.' ' Look at his hair,' he says. ' I will,' says I. 'Ain't his eyes beautiful?' 'They ar-re,' I says. ' Ar-ro they glass or on'y imitation 9' says I 'An' thim cunnin' little feet,' says he. 'On close inspiction,' says I, ' yea they ar-re. They ar-ra feet. Ye'er offspring don't know it, though. He thinks than wan is a doughaut.' ' He's not as old as he looks,' says Hogan. 'He cudden't be,' says I. 'He looks old enough to be a Diminycialic carsdydste f'r Vice-President. Why, he's lost most iv his teeth,' I says 'Go wan,' says he, 'he's just gettin' thim' He hss two uppers an' four lowers,' he says ' If he had a few more he'd be a sleepin'car,' spys I. ' Does he speak,' says I. ' Sure, 1 says Kogan. ' Say Poppa,' he says. ' Gah,' says young Hogan. ' Hear that?' says Hogan, ' that's Poppa.' ' Say Momma,' says he. ' Ga.h,' says th 1 projidy. ' That's Momnna,' says Hogan. ' See, here's Misther Dool«y.' says he. ' Blub,' says th' phenomynon.' ' Look a:, that,' &aya Hogan, 'he knows ye,' he says." THE NEW STYLE. As Mr Hogan conducts "his visitor clownstairs he proceeds to enlighten him on the "raising" of children with the assurance 3rou only find in the parent of one child: — I "' In th' ol' days,' says he, ' childher was brought up catch as catch can,' he says. " But it's different now. They're as carefully watched as a geeranyum in a conservatory,' he says. 'Hero it is. Th' first thing thai | fhud be done f'r a child is to deprive it iv its parents. Th' less th' infant sees iv Poppa an' Momma th' better f'r him. If they ar-re so base as to want to look at th' little daalui" they shud first be examined be a competent physician to see that there is nawfchin' wrong with thim that they cud give th' baby. They ! will thin take a bath iv sudphuric acid, and haviu' caiefully attned thimsilves in a sturlized rubber suit, they will approach withm eight feet iv th' objeck iv their ignoble affection an' lave at uaust. In no ease mils' they kiss, hug, or fondle their projeny Many diseases, such as lumbpgo, pain in th' chis't. premachoor baldness, senile <3enrepitu.de,

' which are privalent among adults, can do 1 comumiiicatecl to a child fr'm ill' parent. ' Besides, it is bad f'r tli' luoral nature iv ih' I mfant. Affection f'r its parents is v.an iv thj mas' dangeroxts s;j^.".toms iv rickets. Th' liarents may not be worthy iv th' lore iv i thurly sfurlized child.' " ASD THE OLD.

Mr Dooley, however, being of somewhai old-fashioned ideas, cannot allow all this to pass without a few remarks from his point of view. He winds up: —

" ' As f'r annybody pveventin' a fond parent fr'in comin' koina Saturdah night an' wallovvin' in las bearxlieous child, ih' doctor that svggisted it -wild hare to move. No, sir, 1 says T, ' get as much amusement as ye can out iv ye'er ii fant,' says I. ' Tcacli him' to love ye no v.' I says. ' befuro he know. Afthev a while he'll get onto ye an' it'll be too late.'"— From "The Schoolmaster." .