FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2660, 8 March 1905, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— E\eiybody 10\p.3 a loter — wit,! the po---ible exemption of the old man a, J the cljk

— "This is a hprd world," <aid tl"» ha Ilooimt, as he dropped out of the basket and landed in a stone quarry.

— The Lady: "That .?n't the same stei-y you told me before." The Beggar . "Xo, lady ; you didn't believe the other one "' — Gladys : " J refused Ferdy tv,o weeks ago, and" he has been drinking heaiily eMir since." Kthcl: "Isn't it about time he stopped celebrating?" — Little Clara : "Mother, tell me a fairy U.le." Mrs Gayboy (glancing at the eior.-k) : ■'Wait until your father comes home, dear, and he will tell us both one."'

— "Prisoner, the jury has declared -ou guilty."— " Oh, that'll be all right, judge. You're too intelligent a man. I think, to U-* influenced by what they say. ' — Hubby: "Didn't I telegraph you not (o bring your mother with you?" Wifey: "I could not ,ielp it, Frank ; she insisred on coming — after she'd read your tele-

— Immune. — "I thought," cried fch” victim indignantly, ''that you were a painless dentist." '"I am," replied the srr '"'ing operator. "I do not suffer the slightest pain."

— Father (to lazy son): "I can't nruuine how you can dislike Vvork ; to me lt' 1^ real enjoyment." Son: "'"Yes. father, but I don't want to give myself up wholly to pleasure !"'

— Kitty: "And when we're married will you insist on my reaclinj your novels?" Author: "We'll make a bargain, dearie. If you'll read what I write, I'll eat what you cook."

— Okl Fool: "Admiring- f;he lady?" Young A«s: "Yes; just thinking what t fine other fellow's wife she'd make." Old Fool : "Quit© right, old cha-p — she does. She's .nine !"

- Tired mother (to restless child) : "Xow you set still ! I've brought you ten miles to enjoy this entertainment, and j-ou shall ■enjoy it. if I have fco pull every hair out of your head !"

— "Your trouble, jadam." said the physician, "seems to be due to an excess of adipo.-e tissue." "My goodness!" exclaimed Mrs Plumpton. "I wonder if that is what makes me so awfully fat?"

— Hostess : "You appear to be in deep thought. Tommy." Tommy : "~Yes"m. Mamma told me if you aisked me to have some cake I wag* to say something, and. I've teen hero so long 1 now I forget whao it wa-."

— Eobby : "Look here, old man : if you don't get up and go home I'll have to run you in." Tightun : "D'ye think m' wife's waiting up for me?" Bobby: "Well. I expect she is." Ti^htun : right, >>r fellow ; run me in."

— "Pardon me," said the seedy-looking man, who was labouring over a letter in the hotel writing room, "hue can you tell m 3 how to spell 'temporarily'?" "Certainly," replic-d his shrewd neighbour, giving the clositfad 1 information ; "and thd ozhev word is 'e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-e-d.' "

— The Archdeacon sat down to an impromptu lunch in the little hosteiry afc Messmate* Flat, but before taking up his knife and fork to begin he bowed his head reverently over his plate. Just at that moment the bustling little landlady chanced to enter the room. '"Oh, you needn't be ■smellin' it, sir," she explained ; "it's quite fresh. It was only killed this morning."'

j — Gardener (who has given notice to his ! master) : "The fact is, sir, I can't stand the way in which folks in the village talks about I." Parson : "But, my good man, you mustn't mind that ; it's a way people have all the world over. Why, now, I d:iresay they talk about me, too." Gai--dener (hastily) : "Oh, lor ! sir, that they buf I ain't as bad ar, that, sir!" Col- " lapse of parson.

PROMOTED. It waa otit on r yacht That I met my fata ; And I said, ' Will you not Become my mate?" So she signed) on with me As mate — but I vow, There was mutiny, For she's captain nowl

— ''Why mustn't I stand up on the seat?" said a small boy to his mother in a suburban tram the- other day. "Because I know you'll fall over and 1 knock Xliss Blank's hat off," was the maternal reply. The small boy remained silent for a momsne, whils hu took stock of the hat 01 the lady in front. Ther> he said, :n judicial tones, "Why, mamma, that's the hat you said you'd knock off Miss Blank's head if you were her mother." — ''Madam," said the friend -who had propped up Mr Jaggsby's helpless form and "rung tha door-bell. "I feei sorry " "Never mind yer sorrow." "I merely wished to explain that this was not my fault. I — that is "' "I don't keer whose fault it was." "Bu^ this is such a terrible condition for a man " "Don't ;,ou bothei about that," interrupted the lady impatiently; "this means a trip to Saratogy" fer me an' clothes to go with it. So you kin je=fc bottle up yer sorrow an' skedaddle along about yer bizness." — One of the principal stockholders .ti a promising gold mine was expatiating on it, 3 merits to a capitalise and prospective investor. He described the vein m which the mi-ior? wore working 1 , showed him specimens of tlv» ore, and backed up his statements with the written opinions oi experts. "Well," admitted the capitalist, '"it looks as if it might be a good investment. As my old Uncle Hiram would say, it has 'pints. " "Pints?" exclaimed the stockholder, carried away perhaps by h'3 ov=r anxiefy. "Why, sir, we're in quartz right now t"'

— Sir Wilfrid Lawson has tc!d many a good story, but he never has told, "and never will tell, a better anecdote, it is «aid, than the ono v/ith which he enlnencd an agricultural show luncheon some yeara aeo. There once was, said the genial baionet, a mayor of a certain smell borough, famous for his teetotal enduisiasm. He nas, however, asked out; to dine with a neighbouring- mayor upon a particularly festive occasion. A wag of a waiter, observing pome fine niilk punch! on the sideboard, filled a glass of it anrS placed it. without warning-, at the major's elbow. That worthy man, all unconscious, took a, long pull at hi? (supposed) favounre beverage, and. putting down his tumbler, exc-laime-l, with pjpys fervour. ''Jlovd. what ft. SQXLI'\

MOBNIXtt. Soft, woolly fleece of purple cloud along The upland traileth. Oh, intensely blue Is -heaven's wide arch. The stream that falleth through The wooded grove uplifteth solemn song To sunlit slopes, and windeth far aniong Dark, ferny hills. By dells of glittering dew Morning is sweet with memories of you, For ever flown! Ah, peace, my spirit; be strong ! A million tender morns will purple yet The forest paths, the peak that spiretli proud. The faithful sun will never once forget The ferny glade, the fleece of snowy cloud. Oh, art thou less than these, my spirit? Never ! Be strong, for holy Love is thine for ever. He giveth to the glade the dewy light, Fragrance, and song; the far-descending stream, Slow murmurous; the burnished snows that gleam, Vast, shadowy, from the cloud-enveloped height Have joy from Him. The bitter, wintry night That gave them to the awful crags might seem For this, my solemn verse, a fitter theme; But it hath passed, and all is warm and bright. l£y spirit, from the lonely mountains, learn To wait- the larger issue, confident Of brighter days. Thy love will yet return 'In very deed — not for a moment lent. Ah! Thou wilt stroke again her glorious brow, And she will smile as doth the valley nov:. — Chaeles 03CA.8 Paxujbr. Kahautara, Marlborough, FebEtiary 9. TO . Oh, God, look down upon two joyful souis Now linked in one, and let them hear Thee bless Them m their holy love and heavenly peace. Ah! let them feel the touch of happiness Which comes at night with dreams, to gently kiss Away the agonies of sordid life. But let those dreams remain to give them strength To battle with this world's almighty strife. But they must struggle to the bitter end, With Thee to worship, and Thy name defend. —C. J. J3KAITHV.-AITE. Hampden, March, 1905.