FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2650, 28 December 1904, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY

— A Topical Answer. — What's in a name ? If a Russian one, most of the alphabet ! — Why is it expedient that a boy should be behind with his studies?— because if it were not so, he could not pursue them. — Husband: "I wish I knew where I could find a buried treasure." Wife : "Never mind, dear; I'm your treasure." Husband : "Yes, but you are not buried." — A Foul Suspicion. — Mrs Jones: "I've taken very great pains over these biscuits, dear, and " Mr Jones: "And now, 1 suppose, you want to see if they'll have the same effect upon me." \ — Mrs Potts: "What time was it when you got home last night?" Mr Potts: "Really, I don't know, my dear. I was | so abashed by getting 1 in late that I could not look the clock in the face." [ — Mrs Benham: "You used to say that ■ I was the apple of your eye." Benham: "Well, what of it?" Mrs Benham: "Nothing, except that you don't seem to care so much for fruit as you once did."' i —"I notice the young Widow Pretty : man desn't have hea* widow's weeds so much in evidence now." — "No ; she's clearing those weeds away. I believe she sees signs of a second crop of orange blossoms." — Didn't Suit Her.— "Phwat's that?" said the newly-engaged maid, pointing to the folding- bed in her room. "A folding bed," was the reply. "If that's the ease Oi can't shtay here. Oi uev&r could shlape shtandin' up." — "I trust, Miss Tappit," said the kindly employer to his stenographer, "that you have- something in reserve for a rainy day?" "Yes, sir, "answere-d the earnest young woman "I am going to marry a man named Mackintosh." — Widow: "Do you know that my daxighter has set her eyes upon you?" Gentleman (flattered): "Has she really?" Widow: '"Certainly; only to-day she was saying, 'That's the sort of gentleman I should like for my papa.' " — Tourist (hi retired village) : "So that'b the oldest inhabitant? One hundred and four years old? No wonder you're proud of him." Native: "I dxmno ; he ain't done nothin' in this yer place 'eept grow old, and it's took him a sights o' time to do that." v — An office-r in the army laughed at a timid woman because she was alarmed at the noise of a cannon when 'a salute was fired. He subsequently married. that timid woman, and six months afterwards he took off his boots in the hall when he cam© home late at night. — "What is a counter-irritant?" asked Mrs Smithers. "A counter-irritant," replied Smithers, "is" a woman who makes the shopman pull down everything from the shelves for two hours, and then buys a pennyworth of hairpins." — Was He Correct? — Tommy : "Pa, what is an egotist?" Father: "He is a man who thinks he is smarter than anyone else." Mother:, "My dear, you are scarcely right. The egotist is the man who says that he is smarter than •anyone else. All men think that way." — A good story about a certain peer ib goih'g the round. A young subaltern said in ' his presence : "I was insulted at the .ball last night. I was actually mistaken for one of the waiters, but, of course, an apology was made afterwards." "And did tho waiter accept it?" asked his lordship, with an air of innocent inquiry. — "Ah, darling!" he exclaimed, "as we sit together under the spreadmg branches of this noble tree, I do declare on my honour that you are the- only girl I have ever loved." And just a suspicion of a smile crossed the dear thing's features -as she replied : "You always say such appropriate things, John ; this is a chestnut tree."' — Doctor (politely, but looking at his watch with visible impatience) : "Pardon me, madam, but my time is not my own ! You have given me all your symptoms in sufficient detail; tand now, perhaps, you will kkindley — cr — ah " Husband (not so considerate) : "Maria, he doesn't want to hear your tongue any ' more. He wants to look at it." — A clergyman, one fine Sunday morning', was walking to church. By the wayside was* a boy whittling stick. The clergyman asked the boy if he was going to church. _ "No," said the boy. "Well, I am," replied the gocd man. "Aw, you've got to," saidl the- lad; "if you don't you'll lose your job." And he calmly proceeded with his whittling. — "Leonidas," exlaimed Mr Meekton's wife, on his return from a journey, "I am at a loss to understand your conduct when we parted.. I said good-bye to you." — "Yes, Henrietta." — "Why didn't you say 'good-by&' in response?" — "I was just about to " do so, Henrietta, but I checked myself. I was afraid 1 you would accuse me of trying to have the last word again." — "Is ■ your name Goode-nough?" asked a- bill-collector of a man on vhom he was calling. "It. is," answered the man with" a look of surprise. "Then I have a bill against you," and he handed him a slip of paper. "That is not my name," said the man. "But you said your name was Goodenough." "So it is," said the man as be prepared to close* the door; "it's good enough for me. 1 ' " | — Not long ago a stock of crockery was sold at auction, and Mrs Wilson attended the sale. When she returned her face was radiant with joy. "You must join the Cremation Society," were the first words she said to her husband. "What on earth fotf?" exclaimed .Mr Wilson. "Why," replied his loving spouse, "I've bought such a lovely vase to hold your ashe3. You can't think how it will set off the mantelpiece !" — Jones's wife was not a very bright woman, but she sometimes said things j which were worthy of a wit. One day, after doing or saying something silly, her husband snapped! out •. "Well, you are the stupidest person I ever saw." — "Why, what's the matter now? Have I done any* thing wrong?" — "I should say so. You don't know the difference .between a horse and a donkey, I believe." — J 'l didn't say you were a horse, did I?" she replied, meekly, and Jones said no more. — There is a good story told in London just now of a well-known West End physician. " For several weeks a lady had been consulting him for nothing in particular, paying him two guineas on each occasion. The other day, when she called upon him. for the usual chat on things in general, sho placed a guinea only upon the table in leaving. He picked it up in surprise, and then commenced to look on the floor. "Madame.," he said, "I do believe I have dropped a guinea." "No, doctor," she replied, with a laugh, "it is I . who have drofifiedj it,'"