FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2456, 17 April 1901, Page 57

FUN AND FANCY.

— Davson says the prettiest sewing machine he e\er saw was 17 years old, with short sleeves, low-neck dress, and gaiter boots. . — Often True.— A: "The rain falls alike on the ju=t and unjust." B : "True, but the unjust man is very often provided with the just man's umbrella." — Mrs Good : "And I suppose you expect to go on begging until the end of your life?" The Tramp: "Well, yes, ma'am; I expect to die in harness." —In Proof. — Caller : "Mrs cle Style is Hot in, you say? Why, I saw her through the window as I came up the steps." Servant (blandly) : "Shure, mum, thac was onlj' her shadow you saw." — Badger (angry and excited): "I say, your dog bit one of my boys last "'ght. What are you going to do about it?" M'Gall: "Well, it it doesn't make the dog ill, I won't do anything about it." — A Gentle Hint.— Chatty Gent: "I believe you porters receive \ery poor wages?" Porter: "'We clo, sir. If it wasn't for the tip*- rale gents, like yourself, gnes us, we should make no sort of a livin'." * — Mother (to baby): "It's muzzer's little cotsy tootsy ; muzzer loves her little darling baby." Fanny (who has just been spanked) : "Don't you believe her, baby. When you (sob) grow up she'll spank you, t-t-too !'' — "Yes," said Aunt Blunders, "I cut out everything good that I see in the papers; but what puzzles me is that the best articles end by mentioning some medicine or other. One of the new literary fads, I suppose." — Not a Chestnut. — He : "So you are certain you cannot be my wife?" She: "I am awfully soiry, but (brightly) I will be a sister to you. He: "Oh, that old chp^t " She (intenupling): "Not at all. I accepted your brother l&st night." — They had been at the masquerade, where she had recognised him at once. "Was it the loud beating of my heart, my darlings that told you I was here" murmured he. — "Oh, no," she leplied; "I recognised you by the size of your feet."' — Judge : "It is remarkable that you, a weak woman, could seize the burglar, who is so laige and strong, and beat him, and finally hold him a prisoner?" Witne=s>: "You see, your Honor, I thought it was my husband coming home late!" — ■ Where It Comes In. — Awestruck Visitor : "It must be very difficult to produce euch an exquisite work of art." Dealer: "Nonsense. Almost anybody can paint a picture, but finding a victim to buy it after it is painted is where the art comes in." — . A hen-pecked man, being told that an old acquaintance was married, exclaimed : "I am glad to hear it." But, reflecting a moment, he added, in a tone of compassion an 1 forgiveness, "And yet I dent know why I should be j he never did me any harm." — "Oh, yes, we are engaged to be marned next spring; but I fear she has not that utter confidence in me that comes with perfect love." — "Why so?" — "Well, when a fellow looks back — as a fellow in love naturally will, you know — and sees her testing the diamond in her engagement ring on the window pane, don't you think he has good cause to feel a bit dubious?' For though he changes dress and name, The man beneath is still the same, Laughing or sad, by fits and starts, One actor m a dozen parts, And whatsoe'er the mask may be, The voice assures us, This is he — O. W. Holmes. He sat in a railway carriage, and his head was thickly covered nith a mass of very red hair. Near him sat a man with a chining bald pate. He playfully observed: "I suppose yoa weren't about when trey dealt out hair?"— "Oh, yes, I was," replied the bald-pated gentleman; "only they offered me a lot of red hair, and I told em to throw it into the dust-bin." — The following story is a good example of pure wit:— A certain Royal sailor, some 90 years ago, fl'ho was celebrated for the violence of his language, saw one morning shortly afier his arrival at Portsmouth a well-known admiral walking on the other side of the street, who»e language was, for it* violence, not io s s celebrated than > his own "Ah! Admiral, how are you.' he shouted: "everybody tells me you aie the biggest blackguard in Portsmouth. 1 hope " replied the admiral, "your ttoyal Highness ha« not come here to take away my" character." — Before entering the pulpit the clergyman received fiom the clerk, who was deal, a notice to the effect that that afternoon he would have the now Sunday school hymn fcocts to&dy to sell to those who defied

them. After the sermon the clergyman began the notice of a, baptismal service thus : "All of those ha\ing children, desiring them to be baptised, will bring them this afternoon." At this point the deaf clerk, hearing the mention ot c-hikheii and the reference to afternoon, concluded that the announcement related to hi? books, and, rising, taid : "And all tl.ose having none and desiring them will be supplied by me at threepence each."