FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2409, 3 May 1900, Page 58

FUN AND FANCY.

— Life is a comedy to him who thinks, and a tragedy to him who feels.

— There are some people who think they could write an impartial autobiography.

—If a man will only tell his women folk he is sorry, it is not necessary for him to be.

" — The sweetness of revenge is not * infrequently followed by a dyspeptic acidity of the conscience. „ , — "What i& 'writer's cramp,' pa?" Being cramped for- money, my son. Nearly all .-writers have that trouble." '

— Sometimes marriage ought to be denned as the art by which two people manage to live .together and yet apart. , — A girl should never throw away her old slippers. They will come in handy at her wedding — and much" handier in after years. — Lawyer: "And so you kissed her on the doorstep, • did you?" x Witness: ."No, sir. It was in the vicinity of the left eyebrow." — Not the Pure Article. — Miss Askens : "Did he marvy her for pure "love?" De Witte : ."No ; it .was adulterated with money."~ .— "Poor old Baggs ! ' Bad spelling was his ruin." "How was that?" "Forged another man's name to a'cheque, and spelt it, wrong." — Bagley :"I neve? restrict my wife. She does exactly as she pleases." Bailey: "And you?" Bagley : "I do exactly as she pleases too."

— You may net be able to lay up anything for a rainy clay, but if you can keep your credit gilt-edged it will be just about as serviceable.

— His Objective. — "He married her to get iquare." "With some sweetheart with whom he had quarrelled?" "No." "With whom, then?" "With his creditors. She has money." — Young Artist: "Don't you think those are lovely flesh tints I have managed to get into that picture?" Critic: "I do indeed. Isn't it a pity we can't have such tints in Nature?"

— Mrs Thinker: "The bride nearly fainted during the ceremony, and had to be supported Tby her father until it was over." Mrs Gossip : "Yes ; and now I hear that her father is supporting both of them." — Little Changed. — Ella: "To think that it is two years since we met and you know me at once ! Then I haven't changed much after all?" Bella: "Oh, I knew you by your "bonnet. . Who would have thought there was so much wear in it?"

— Simon Witherby (on his first trip, away from Meadowcroft; to a fellow-passenger) : "I say, mister, I's never been in a kentry.whar night come on ez sudden ez it do hyur." 4.nd each tunnel was a fresh surprise. — Not in .the Cupboard.— Ruggles : _ "It's said that every family has a skeleton in its cupboard." Struggles: "They're lucky." Huggles: "Why?" Struggles: "Because in, mine he's at large, and borrowing money from all his relatives."

— A schoolmaster who had been telling of ±h*e doings of Caesar ended up with, "And all •thh happeaad over 1500 years ago." A little cherub, his blue eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a moment's thought, "Oh, what a memory you've got !" — "Do you go to school, Johnnie?" asked Mr Spoonamore. "Yes, sir," responded Johnnie, who was entertaining the young man in the parlour for a few minutes at the request of his elder sister. "I study geography. The world's round, just like an orange. , Got one?" /

— Little Annette had been taken to a concert for the first time in her life, and on her return home was asked to give her impression. "Oh, auntie, there was a lady who screamed because she had forgotten her sleeves, and a waiter was playing on the piano all the time."

— Ireland Again ! — Here is a recent Parliamentary bull from the Irish section of the House of Commons. A member from the Hmerald Isle, speaking of the extension of the Irish franchise, ended his oration as follows : "You should refrain from throwing open the fledgates of democracy, lest y"ou pave the way for a general conflagration."

— Conjurer . (pointing to a large cabinet) : "Now, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to exhibit my concluding trick. I would ask any lady in the company to step on the stage and stand in this cupboard. I will then close the door. When I open it again the lady will- have vanished- without leaving a trace behind." Gentleman in Front Seat (aside to his wife) : "I say, old woman, 'do me a favour and step up." "Yes," said the delegate, "I said I was the working man's friend. "But you don't do nny work," suggested the man with the horny hands. "No, not at present." "And ymi never did any work." "That's true. You ccc, what the working man most needs is wprk, and I am too imich the working man's friend to run any risk of taking work away from him*"-

— A tourist gives the following as an example of the rigid formality with which the officials -in some parts of Russia act: — Russian Official : "You can't stay in this country, sir." Traveller: "Then I'll leave it." Official: "Have you a permit to leave?" Traveller: "No, sir." Official: "Then you cannot go. I give you 24- hours to make up your mind as to what you will do."

— Wilks: "What is Younghusband looking so glum about?" Wilkinson: "Why, the gipsy fortune-teller just told his wife that she would have two husbands, and that the second one would be a very fine sort of man." Wilks : "Ha, ha! And Younghusband thinks that a reflection on him, V suppose?" Wilkinson : "Oh, no ! He thhiks his wife must have been married before, *nd never told him."