EDITOR'S WALLET. Of Men and Manners.

Otago Witness, Issue 2389, 14 December 1899, Page 62

EDITOR'S WALLET. Of Men and Manners.

'Bus Conductor: All the w'y to Charing Cross one penny. Come aw'y lydy ; plenty room.

Little Old Lady in' Velvet and Silk: Will you remember to let me out at the second street on the left before you come to the Abbey? lam going such a very little/distanco that unless you let me out exactly where I tell you I had ever so much better have walked all the way. The eecond street on the left before you come' to the Abbey. Conductor: Very v/ell, ma'am. Little Old Lady (to pale-faced young man opposite) : lam going to the post office ; and 'bus conductors arc so forgetful. They never do what yo« ask them. Pale-faced Young Man : It is annoying. Little Old Lady (smiling amiably) : I am only going to the poet office, and if he doos not stop exactly where I've told him he will take me too far, and I shall have to walk all the way back. (To conductor) : You remember where you are to let me out? At the second ntreet on the left before you come'to the Abbey. Conductor (nodding his head) : Fares, please. Little Old Lady (after fumbling for a minute in a square-shaped pocket and gazing amiably the while at the pale-faced young man, produces a shilling) : Give me a sixpence and a threepenny bit. (Fretfully : You've given me five coppers. How tiresome you are. What am Ito do with all the^e coppers? Haven't you got a threepenny bit? Conductor : No, ma'am. (Sotto voce, and % shaking his head gloomily) : Wot a life ! Little Old Lady (smiling again to palefaced young man): I hate coppers; and 'bus conductors always give them, to me though I ask for silver. Vulgar Man (joining amiably in the conversation) : A threepenny bit wouldn't be safe in that pocket of yours, ma'am. It 'ud lose itself altogether.

Little Old Lady (viciously) f 1 Don't speak to me, man.

Vulgar Man's Friend : She's a bit of a wasp, eh? There's manners for yer. Vulgar Man : Some people don't know what manners is. (Raising her voice): "It ain't the dress wot makes the lydy, it's the manners. That's wot I s'y, and I don't care who 'ears me.

Vulgar Man's Friend (as if to change the conversation): You know 'Arry Sprott? That's a chap I don't like. I don't know why, but I don't.

Vulgar Man (loudly) : I'll tell you w'y you don't like him. 'X's a contemptible snob, that's wot he is — a contemptible snob. It wasn't a week ago I was gittin' in a 'bus goin' home w'en 'c comes in and sits down opposite. . " 'Ullo, Harry," I says, "wot brings you this w'y.?" " 'Ow dee doo !" says 'c. "Nice evenin', ain't it?" "I'd 'aye walked," says I, holdin' out* my 'and to shako, "but the missis and me is goin' out to. a small party to-night, and I want to be 'ome early." " 'Ow nice," says 'c, 'olding out a penny to the conductor with his left hand and giving me the other three fingers. . Vulgar Man's Friend : I know the style. Vulgar Man (entering heartily into tho spirit of his tale and punching his friend's knee ioc snvfihjwM.: Wjuti. ft tfUUVtfcSt I took

him down'a peg, you bet. "'Ullo !"_ sayj I, keeping 'old of his three fingers and lookin* at 'em anxious like. "Wot's gone wrong with 'em?" "Nothin' " says 'c. "It's quite the fashion to shake 'ands with your left." "Is it?" says I. "Well, it ain't my fashion." I "I didn't know as you was so pertidklar," j says 'q. "I ain't perti.cklar," says I, "but I don't like fancy dog-tricks." Vulgar Man's Friend (laughing appreciatively) : I met 'im myself only the other day; and after we 'ad talked a bit 'c says, "Como and 'aye a drink."- I didn't mind, so we went into a restarong. "What's your pisen?" says 'c. "I'll 'aye a half of Burton," says I. "Aw! A whisky arid sodar^miss," says 'c, "and a' half of Burton." Then 'c feels in all his pockets. "I s'y, old chap," says ' *c, "you don't 'appen to/aye a sixpence about you. I b'lieve I've left all my small chango at 'ome." "No., I 'aye' not," says I. " 'Ere, • miss," I says, "give me a-lialf of bitter and I'll p'y for it myself." "And never mind the whisky and sodar, miss," says le. Little Old Lady (sitting quiet for a few seconds): I wonder if the conductor remembers what I said tcr"him. Vulgar Man: 'E ain't likely to forget wot you've told him, ma'am; you niny bet your, life on that. Little Old Lady (ignoring last speaker and addressing pale-faced, youiig man): But can-'-ductors never remember "what I tell, them.' Once when. I was going to-South'Kensington:" the donductor took me on' to Shepherd's Bush, though I told him repeatedly to let mo out at South Kensington. : J Vulgar Man: I'shouldn't *aye thought, now, that 'ed 'aye wanted to take you' any further than you wanted. But* it's because' you makes yourself so agreeable to' 'em, ma'am. They can't get enough c>f your company. Pule-fac^d Young Man (to the little old lady, who" is staring fiercely at vulgar man): Itbink this is your street, madam. Little Old Lady: Conductor, you know 1 where I want to get out. Conductor (pulling the bell sharply): Is' this the street, ma'am": Little Old Lady ' (sitting quiet for a- few seconds while the colour slowly steals into" her cheeks): You'.ve taken me past it. Ohv' dear, dear! How can you be so tiresome? 1 told you repeatedly where you were to letme out, and you've paid no attention. Now I must cross the street and walk back. Oh, how can you be so tiresome? I wish I had never come into your 'bus at all, I do indead. . 5 Conductor: I can't keep the 'bu3 waiting any longer, ma'am. If you don't come out, I'll 'aye to go on. Vulgar Man: That's right, conductor; pull the boll. We ain't goin' to be kept 'ere all day for a person_ as makes herself objectionable all round. Little Old Lady: If you dare to pull the bell bnfore I get out I'll give you in charge of the police, and you too, yo.u odious, vulgar creature. - ' '%' . " Conductor (to occupants of 'bus after little old lady has finally retired): She's quite up; set me, she has. ? „ Vulgar Man (addressing occupants of 'bus generally, not omitting the conductor): That's wot I call a- lesson in manners.. You ne^jbr know wot manners i? till you 'aye 'em thrown ' in your face, so to speak. I forget'wot it was she called* me „., ,t>.-.* ,►„ ' Vulgar Man's Friend (laughing): An odious, vulgar creature. Vulgar Man (fiercely, to his friend): An odious, vulgar creature. All right. That's wot she called me. For w'y? Because'l stood up for .1 poor man w'ich is the conductor of this 'bus. Well, if lam an odious, vulgar creature, was it manners to s'y so without wot you might call provocation?. Manners! Thank 'eaven I don t pretend to have any if that's wot men call manners. Manners ! It ain't manners, if s the want of manners wot's the matter with them as thinkthey've got manners and to spare. Them' as don't pretend to 'aye no manners is the best-mannered after all. , Don't stop'the Jbua for me, conductor; I don't believe in maiding people slaves because you p'ys 'em a copper. (Exit the vulgar man with a halo.) '■;