FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2355, 13 April 1899, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— Life's side shows cost us more than the real circus. — Every man knows a good use to which seme other man might put his money. —As soon as a baby has learned to talk it becomes necessary to "'teach it to keep quiet. — Tom: "I don't know whether she 1 sings or not." 'Jack: "She doesn't. I heard her." — When money talks a man seldom troubles himself to investigate the truth of its remarks. — The fact that Rome, was not built in a day has served as an excuse for a great deal of loafing. —It would ruin any man's peace of mind to know as much about himself as other people know. ' — "There goes young Skhnmins, the jn-Hst." . " Artist? Black and white?" " Ochre — mediocre." — Miller: "Look here, my son, it Is time to repair our. mill. The artists are beginning-to paint-it." - — When our advice leads a man to sucicess it is a good deal easier for us to xecall the start than it 'is for him. — Susie:' "Papa, what makes a man airways give a woman a diamond engagement Ting?" Her Father: "The woman." — A charming conversationalist is a man •who reminds you of things to say and listens attentively while you say them. — Something To Go By. — He: "Do you really believe ignorance is bliss?" She : "I don't know. You seem to be hajipy." — First Wretch: "How's your wife, old msn?" Second Wretch : " Splendid ! GoJ; a bad cold; she can't speak above a whisper." — Self-control is that desirable quality which enables a rtian to kick himself without at the 'same time attracting general attention. —"I wonder when that ABC girl is going to serve us? I've called her half a dozen times." "Perhaps she's D E F." —■Punch. — The Old Friend: "I don't believe you realise the dignity of your position." The New Millionaire: "Don't have to.^ I've a butler hired for that." . — Mrs Frank : "My husband is plain spoken; he calls a spade a spade." Mrs Keep : "So does mine ; but I must decline to repeat what he calls the lawn mower." A moneyed man may often pass As good among the many, Though all bis -worth be counterfeit And he a bad, bad penny. — When a man slips on an orange the first thing he does is' to look bruk to see what it was. The thst thing ;i woman doesia to look around to see if iwr-i-ue saw her,

—If we spent more of the time, doing the things we can that we devote to "wanting to do the things we can't, we should find that we could do a greater number of things. — The Recruiting Sergeant (to promising recruit): "Why don't ye join? It's a fine profession, and promotion for all that asks for it. Why, Lord Kitchener was only your age once, and look what he is now." — "Bridget, what is that child crying so wildly for?" " Sure, mum, he's just drinked all his soothin' syrup and ate the cork, and I don't know now what ails him, unless it's the botle he wants to swallow !"

— A Bright Detective. — Inspector of Police: "Why didn't you report at 11 o'clock, as I told you to? It is after 12 now." Detective: " Confound it, sir, one of those pickpockets I was shadowing has stolen my watch !" — Jack: "If I had known that you were going to drop in so unexpectedly, we should have had a more elaborate dinner." Fred (wrestling with a tough piece of steak) : " Don't mention it, old man ; but next time I'll be" sure to let you know." • — "I want to ask -one more question," said little Frank, as he was being put to bed. " Well," acquiesced the tired mamma. " When holes come in stockings, what becomes of the piece of stocking that ~vvas there before the hole came?"

— Lady (engaging a^ footman) : "Are you clever at table?" James: "Yes, mum." Lady : " And you know your way to announce?"' James : " Well, mum, I know my weight to a pound or so, but I should haidly like to say to on ounce."

— Mr Upson Downcs (seated by a stranger in railway carriage) : " What lime is it by your watch, if you please?' 1 Stranger: "I don't know." Mr Upson Downes : " But you just looked at it." Stranger : " Yes ; I only wanted to see if it was still there." — His Own. — "No." said the fair girl, " it's no use. You don't come up to my ideal." " Perhaps not," he answered. " But t don't care if I can only get anywhere near my own." "Your own?" she questioned ; " what is your ideal?" " You," he whispered.