FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2273, 23 September 1897, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

— The true pessimist would far rather be light than be happy. — See that the fioger with which you point out another's fault ia clean.

— Too many people go on the theory that things they do not understand are not so. — Nothing can make people go blind any quicker than filling their eyes with gold dust.

— Dodo : " Now, tell me, what do people think of me ? " Penguin : " And make you my enemy for life 1 Not much 1 "

— Not the Word. — Amy : " Mabel, do you ever think about marriage?" Mabel: ," Think is no name for it. I worry."

— The most painfnl climbing on Fortune's .ladder is done by people who have been at ibe top and are trying to get back there.

— A crank is one wbo attempts to put into actual practice ideas which most people are quite willing to deal with only as theories. ' — Not the Same. — "Bat yon said fthe Bang beautifully." " No, I didn't." " What did you say 1 " "I said ehe was a beautiful sioper."

— Teacher: " Give me an example of tbe tJBB of the word ' contagious.' " Pupil : " Trains are not contagions. They are awful bard to catch."

— Defined. — " Pa, what is a pessimist ?'" "A pessimist, my^son, is a person who never goes out on bis bicycle without expecting to purc*ur© Irs tyre." '■- Much Esteemed. — A citizen bought himuelc a book the olher day and wrote this on the fly-leaf : " Presented to John Jones by himself, as a mark of esteem."

—On the Other Hand. — " There is one thing about me — I am not afraid to say just what I think." "Of course you are not afraid, but you ought to be ashamed."

— They had been talking about the Sandwich Islands. " Are you in favour of annexation 1 " the young man asked, and the maiden replied coyly. " Oh, George, this is so sudden." • §g — Mistress : " Why, Mary, you have dated jour letter a week ahead." Maid : " Yis'm ; it will take over a week for it to get to me mother, and she wouldn't care to be reading old news, even from me." '

— " It's marvellous what rascality there is in this world I " exclaimed the butterman angrily. " The last ton of lard I ' bought is so much adulterated that it is not fit to adulterate my butter with."

— "I nebber 'scourages er man f'am ecattetin' 'is voice' aroun' gibbLrv* good advice," said an old negro. ■ "It may not hab any influence in partie'lar, but it keeps him out o' mischief fob de time being."

— A political speaker accused a rival of " unf&thomable meanness," and then, rising to the occasion, said, " I warn him not to persist in his disgraceful course, or he'll find that two of us can play at that game ! " ' — Clara : " Baron Spuchs must be a brave man. They say he lives in a castle that is haunted by the ghoßts of murdered ancesrons." Jack: "Ghosts! That's nothing. 'I live in a house that is haunted by billcollectors."

— Loud-voiced Sergeant z " Now, Macpherson — you long-limbed, raw-boned, fogfeatured - scarecrow, eyes right ! Be smart, you dunderhead, and, if you're not shot, you'll be a soldier one day, like me." Macpberson: " Like you, sergeant 1 'Deed, ye make me long for the risks of battle."

— A bicyclist who was riding a very high wheel took a genuine header and turned an almost complete somersault. After he had recovered himself and wiped the mud from his face and clothes, he was much astonished to hear one or two small boys say, " Mister, do that again, will yer 1 This feller didn't see it I "

— The Better Way. — " Young man," said the statesman, " I decline to be interviewed in any circumstances whatever." The hopeful reporter looked sad. " I always interview myself," the statesman explained. "It is a great plan for avoiding mistakes. Just sit down and I will have your copy ready in about 20 minutes."

— A Certain Cure. — Mother : " You say your husband no longer spends his evenings at the club?" Daughter: "I soon broke him of that." Mother: "How did you manage it 1 " Daughter : " Before going to bed I put two eaßy chairs together by the parlour fire, and then held a match to a cigar until the room got a faint odour of emoks*"