When the Schoolmistress Smiles.

Otago Witness, Issue 2210, 9 July 1896, Page 52

When the Schoolmistress Smiles.

ABSURD EXCUSES SHE RECEIVES. During my career as schoolmistress (says a writer in a Home paper) I have received a large number of notes- from the children's parents. My object in giving a few specimens is not in any way to hold up their. bad spelling and compo*itien to ridicule, but to show the unintentionally humouroas turn fcetr missives invariably take. The following "will illustrate this :— " Deir Mias, will you please let my Bary out at 3 p.m. punehal, as one of .my children have besn. scratched by & black cit awfull, and I have gob to take him to the doctor's, and I have no one to leave with twins." A similar note is as follows :— " Miss, pleaße do not punish my Emmer being late, as she had to go to The Ship to get her dad some tobacer and pipe, and she can't help it." Here it one dealing with a child's -school banking account •.— " Please let Alice have her bank money, and reduck her school money from Mrs ." Respecting » case of stealing an indignant i&o^ieg writes :—

«« Miss <— , I have Bent the maff as littla Flo picked up yesterday, and I hops you don't think we want to kesp the muff, and what do~ you mean by standing her in the corners P If yon punish her again her farther will oome and give you* a bit of his mind, and why didn't you punish the one as stole my Flos so&rf ? I never , made no fuss about that— l wouldn't lower meßelf to." Another mother writes thus :— " I hwe sent this to xouse CUrer, ehe'a not able to come to school, her and another brother are bad in bed like Gaorge was took last week." The promotion of a scholar to a teacher brings the following : — "We are much obliged to yon for getting our girl on so well; but why couldn't she go and help' learn the infants as well as that cunning young Boss P And I shall put it in the hands of the parson, and you can ple»se yourself. — From yours, much annoyed. "P.S.— I have been coachman for nearly 22 year, and her father has only been gardener for three." A mother, desirous of getting her daughter home before dark, writes :— •'Please let Mary out quarter to 4, as she have to go rite by the hauated farm, and they trees makes it look awful dark, and she cau'c stand it,- as she is afraid of the whicb.es." The mother of an unruly girl sends the following :— " I take my pen up [pencil was used] to tite •to tell you th*t if you hit my daughter or keep her in, her father will be at school to-night, Yore' not going to hit her as you like, so please remember your humble Bervanti *." ' An anxious mother supplies this brief note :—: — •'Pleaie let Sarah oub early, because of ths fog. It makes hec ba'k like a dog." Another l«vdy scribbles :—: — •• Madam, I have the honour to infor-n yon' that May will not bo at> school to«d*y, as she is not very unwell.— Yours sffecfcion&ttly, it » The following was written ona scrap of tga paper : — , s " My D jar Madam,— Ethel having the mumps in her neck reason of her non-attendauce at school ; now looking vary unpleasant ; grieve me much to keep her from school. JL waut her to be assistant to the faacy trade; her education very great importance so often being ill. — Yours respectfully, — i ." Thid correspondent's note evidently does not convey the meaning she intanded :— " I am rather surprise:! at you in punishing one child for begin late more thau an other thN morning ; it was impossibly for them to g^t along, tno road being up. I was there and sei it meself " Another ercuse for absence .• " I am sorry to have to toll you but i Have got Amy's Brother thomas down with the Messells i thought it best to let you know and • you could please yourself about Amy coming." Profits From Stray Sources. "They are a smart lot of fellows in their own line, though, as you cay, nothing much to look at. Jens, most of them, and possessed to the full by the love of a bargain that characterises the race," observed a London je seller as he closed the door after a traveller who had just gone out. "Working. ostensibly in jewellery, p-cctous stones, and himilar articles, mmy of th*m c«ry with them other odrfs and ends, at y articles bythe disposal of wbiohthey can makb money, and a good bib extra many of them knrck up in a year, quite apart from their legitimate business. " Oae fellow I know of succeeded in getting rid ot a whole lot of 150 opera glasses that his employer had picked up cheap, and which ho hawked all over London and Birmingham one at a time, passing each pair off as part of a 'job lot ' that he had been compelled to take for a bad debt. " Watches, too, a number of them adopt as a means of increasing their takings ; and there are at least half a d-zen men ciiling upon me who carcy regularly a good g>>!d wnteu upon their chsius, ever on the look-out for an opportunity to 'plant' it. Kvery evenipg, if no sale has been effected, the timekeeper is handed back to be locked up with the ie.<t of the stock in the safe. " Some of tbem, humble bub of known integrity, being too poor to spesnlate iv goods themselves, have a handy way of doing business. To the wealthier merchants they go, eelect some stone or article of personal adornment from the latter's stock, and, simply signing in » book for the receipt of the valnable, travel about with it for a few days endeavouring to effect a sale, and so make something out of commission. " And speaking of traveller!) reminds me of an extraordinary sp'seinvu I encountered not long since, who informed me that he considered he had done well if he took an order once a year. " * Once a year ! ' I cried in astonishment. ♦ In what, then, do j ou travel ?' "' Steel' suspension bridges!' was his answer."