WHY DON'T THE MEN PROPOSE?

Otago Witness, Issue 2203, 21 May 1896, Page 44

WHY DON'T THE MEN PROPOSE?

Deak Emmeline, — I sometimes glance over the Ladies' Ffge of the Witness, and am glad I . did bo this week, because in it I saw "Reader's" letter, and in the letter these words : "I would very much like to be the wife of a good man." I have s rerpecb, almost amounting to a reverence, for good women, and j I. am delighted when I see such a remark as this. For, after a fairly loug experience as an unwilling bachelor, I have come to the eonclueion that., so far &s surface indioAtionp go, the great majority of women do not find "goorlnesi " to be a Btrong recommendation in a Lvcr \ or admirer. Of course I know that all women like a man to ba decently moral ; but by goodness is meant, I suppose, something higher than morality. It has shocked me time and again to Bee women favouring men who had neither morals nor religion, but only wore fcbe mce<'siy locitfcy veneer. I know it is very hard U-r the ' Dne sex to understand the other, and I n»ay he nnjust in thinking that ''gctduets" is coL a prime virtue in your tex's eyes, taking the sex %a a whole ; but if so, then I think there is a good deal of ju,»tifioation for the iniprts ion I have. If women do cot realise that "gcodoe'S," in the senee I understand the word, is the only thing that they may safely trust to; then they j have small reason for complaint if their married lives are not happy. I know that women love man'iness and ioneur, and these are excellent vhtues, but they are not enough for any woman to trust her life to. She and her children will require , more tban that, and if they do not desire and expect this something more, tben women not only fail to procure in their life-companion the i ODly thing that is really of any worth as a guarantee for a happy life companionship, but they'do a great wroug in lowering the slandard of worth in man. Men are greatly influenced , by what is expect* d of them, just as women are. The one fex is, in a large measure, the creator of the idtal of excellence in the opposite sax. It.is a bad thing for men, for women, and for the. world .when the jes!i«ation of the h'gh'st ideal is not called for or exuectrd. The woman, I then, who does not wish lo be the wife of "a J good man," if she desires to be a wife at all, does a wroeg to herself and to the world. I J hope yuur correspondent, who has the true ideal before her, will yet realise her wish. " Reader" refers to some of the obstacles to marriage. There is no doubt that the exfle6iivß coenpeti'ion of the present day make* men feel that ihfiir positions are ineecure, and they think that they dare not' take the risk of marriage. Women, tben, who beat down prices or who crowd cheap Bales, are making marriage more difficult. The mothers who send daughters to work, just to keep them occupied, and who take nway work from men, are do ; ng precisely the lame thing. Of course, I do not wish to say that all men are what they should be— that all men are fit to be the head of a bouse or are worthy of a woman's love and respect ; or that all men who are unmarried wish to be otherwise—but I bvlieve lam right in Baying t.hafc if employment and family obligations jus'itled it, Bnd if the right wom»n were available, not less that 19 out of bs cry 20 men would be only too glad and thankful to have a home of their own, presided over by a good, wise, loving, and cheerful companion. ■ i Your c rrespondent hints tbafc there may be lomething Uoking in the women. There is no doubt that rivalry in hons* keeping and furnishing, and dressing and going out to evening* and to entertainments, is a serious hindrance to' marriage. Men object to being pitted against each other by their respective women folk, as infant* are in a b&by show. Moreover, a man who it worth marrying will have or will develop home instincts. .And when men see others of their sex who are married just dragged hither •nd thither by their wires, regardless of the needtd rrsfc or of the empty state of the family i puree, they conclude that they had better j remain single. Of course, I do believe in husbands geiog out with their wives occasionally -it it only fair and right ; but to be trotted about merely as a necessary appf ndage of only utilitarian value, like a pair of shoes or ft chrqne book, by n. restless or ambitious woroevn is disgusting; and one sees a good many men fffco weakly submit-to this kind of thing, and Dne bears also of not a few family jars when men refuse to be mere tools in the hands of their wives. » Women also chovild be very careful to see that they are good housekeepers— economical, clever, and always neat. Personally I don't want fco be within rifle shot of a woman who is not ne&t the whole 24 hours through. And neatness, I would rtniark, has very little to do with the matter of clothes. A woman also should hare some talent for entertaining. There ia . an immense differenc in ' women of all ranks in this respect. Even in a em'ill farm kitchen one woman, by her rieat feminine ways and by her chattiness, will make the little place del'ghfcfu', while another will make you feel th»t the company of the hills is better. And of course the remark applies junt at much to women in what in called society. Women should cultivate expression also. Some women whom I know have beautiful feature*, bub warm interest and kindliness nev^r light them up. A red pine table is not much to look at without polish on it, but with the polish it U beautiful. So with a woman. Before I stop will you allow me to mention specifically some of the thingt in women which delight men ? First, I would mention womanliness. A matt likes a woman, no matter how clever or strong she may be, to be womanly — womanly ii nauuer, insptecb, In thought, in dress, iv h>bi>r>, in walking, in sympathy, in writing, in every way : she must, if she would be what she would like to be in his eyes, always be womanly. Second, she must have a stronger hold upon the good than even he himself hug. A ro»n expects a woman to be purer than himself. Third, she must,- if she is married, be loyal to her husband. The woman who " gives her husiund away" in public or in the he* ring of any third person is doing what is very wrong. The greater the faults existing, the greater thfl

need of loyalty. There is no doubt aboub my being right in this. Many women are great sinners here. Fourth, she must, if married, never try, to usurp her husband's place, If she finds she baa to take the lead at all, then she should summon all her womanly wit, and do what in neocst ary in such a way as that it shall not be seen. "Bossy" women fill men with anger and shame. As to the "new woman" idea, men, I believe, rather like the thiug, provided women remember to be womanly, and provided they ksep away from the indecency of thought and expression, of which so much is to be found in recent novels. In short, I would say that if marriage is to be a success tho nun must be the worker, and he musb try to be always manly; the woman must be his helpmeet, and she must always try to be womanly ; and both mast build on the highest religious foundations. See then, dear Madame, what a spark of feminine goodoees does 1 It has drawn this lengthy letter out of one who has plenty elae to do, but I don'fe regrs" ''m writing of it if you and your readers don't. —I am, &c , Dunedin, May 13. Bachelob. Dear Emmeline,— ln the Witness of the 7th I was much struck with some of " Reader's " remarks under the heading,'" Why Don't the Meu Propose?" Ao she invites opinions from both sides, I venture, with your permission, to give a few of mine. Perhaps I may as well .state at the outset that I am an old bachelor, past 50, aud that my remarks are as much expedttuces as mere opinions. The old and threadbare excuse of many young men, that they "are not able to ke a p a wife," although apparently wise at fi'ab sight, seems to me to be of the came kind of wisdom as the num's who said that he would not' venture to go bathing until he was able to swim ! I quite agree with " Reader" "that many a man would be surprised how nice a woman will make his home on little money. The money many a young man pays away for board and lodgings and " company " would be sufficient to keep up a respectable borne. I have teen it done in many instances. But the little secret is that many 1 « man will not eacrifice outside "company" for the home, and he sees that his means are not sufficient to keep up both. lam afraid ab the present time we are Incoming over-bleat with meetings and gatherings of all lorts. With the increase of societies and its associations for the supposed beueflt of young men and young women the home life id getting broken up. If a man manias for love (as he ought to do), why should he not be conteut to spend his evenings with an affectionate helpmeet? Her company ought to be more to him than all outside meetings put together. Another failing in the young man of ordinary livelihood, who cannot risk to marry unless he sees his way clear to his dying day, is his want of trust in Providence. But few are born with a purse of sovereigns tied round their n.foka ; and we must try to live under the circumstances it haa pleased God to place ns in. Because a man cannot; >tirt life in a style And way he fancies would be necessary, it does cob follow that it is impossible to live content and happy on a smaller t cale. If any young man reading these remarks think* me htrd and censorious, I can sincerely Ai>arc bim I have no intention of beiDg go, bub am speaking, alas ! from sad t-xperience About 30j ears ago, when I was betwetn 24 and 25, I fall deeply in love with a girl about my own age. After a year's courtship, the next thing was of cours«. to get married. Though I had a fair salary and every prospect of steady employment, I proposed to wait two or three yeara so that we could start a business of our own. She, having more sense than I, could see no reason fur pu tiug it oft' so long. Her motto was, " Marry for love and work for money." I explained to her that if we married then and there my circumstance! would nob enable me to give her inch a home as I could like. She assure d me she would be quite content to stirb a home with the then present prospect. I stiil declined, and the consequence was that about three years after she married another, and I have got ample time to save money to atari a home. But the trouble is that I never since have seen a woman who stands so high in my estimation as she. — I am, fee., „ - An Old Bacbtelob. Deah Emmehne,-— I saw an article in your la«t week's columns which bears a connection with a subject we have often discus- d f late — i.c , What constitulea a man worthy to offer himself asa woman's bu-band ? It i* an unsolvablo problem, depending as it does no entirely on the individual character of the persons interested. I *m, I suppose, entitled to take up "Reader's" invitation, and exprpfs * few of my views on this aud surrounding pufrjacts, seeing lam " only a girl " (■nhicb means t-hafc I am yet unnamed and do not show any s'gus of grey hair) ; and also since I am neither a "r* farmed" nor ft "new" woman, but simply, like "Reader" herself appears to be, a domfstirated and unaspiring young person who looks upon union with " the one " as a crown to woman's happines3, and the home thet holds ene'n human interest- as bar lawful and undisputed realm. And what is it lhit constitutes a "home"? Certainly not house and grounds, carriages, and fine furniture. Certainly not the patronage of all the functions of the " ten," and the right to say " Behold me ! lam clad in the dignity o> fine linen and gold. My house is of the best ;' I recsive and nm received by everyone. I have found the good of life and I nm in society ; and I h&ve accomplished humanity's noblest destiny." Why, what a fate for any woman ? AVben we look baok and read in history or verse what women have been and have done ; when wo recall how - not their strength, but their own inborn womanly weaknets was the strong bar that raised themselves and others to undying admiration and benefaction ; when we see how, even now to-day, the work that is highest and best flourishes only under the sunshine of a woman's smile or beneath the rain of her bears, how can we ever say or think that any sphere bub that over which God Himself placed her* as queen and comforter can ever show in so true a light half the physical weakness that wakes men's protection, or half the moral strength that constitutes her his better angel ? And what does it matter to a woman whether a man's position is comfortable or the reverse ? Ts>ke 10 average girls — jusb the sort of girl we meet every day ; nob the mannish girl, or the flighty girl, or the girl who would be fashionable ; bub take any 10 ordinary girls who are formed and brought up to bs the wives of remible men with moderate incomes, and fay to them: " Suppose you loved a man. Which would you rather do, marry him on a small income and help to make both ends meet ou it, or nob marry him ab »11 ? " Why, I am sure that nine out of those 10 girls, and "Reader" and myself into the bargain, would answer bo a woman: "Marry him, of course. And supposing we were nob rich, ib wouldn'b matter so long as we understood each other and worked towards the same end." I think that any man who loves a girl without telling her so does her and himself an irreparable injury : and more, be takci a place

he has no right to hold. It is the man's place to offer, the woman's to decida ; and surely he might pay her the honour of her right to determine what her future in regard to him may be. People talk about -the ridicule that once attached to old muds beiDg effectually silenced, and certainly the immunity does remove a hardship from the ohaded patb. But it ia after all such a little one. in comparison ; for what is the voice of ridicule compared with the voice of Nature ? What avocation, however well paid, can atone to a woman for those wifely labours that are contracted and rewarded only in love ? 1 I believe that more girls devote themselves to the fascinations of fashion or the triumph of temporary flirtation from sheer lack of other and warmer intere^ than on any other account. The instinct of maternity isr more 6r less developed in every one of them ; the desire to love and be loved is implanted in all ; but they dare not show it, and modesty would prevent them almost from acknowledg : ng it to themselves; andonly in outside nutters can they find any distraction from the emptiness that reigns within. Since writing the above I have read the letter signed M A Dunedia Young Man." It has set me on a still more decided train of thought. I do not think that anyone, judging by what he hasftaid about i he girl he loves, is justified in rayiug hs has not given his heart to a good woman. Jt seems t j me that, situated as he has said, she ia in a moot cruel position. Does she know he loves her ? She may very possibly suspect it, but not be sure. So when he is with her to-day, courteous and atteative, she almost unconsciously unbends, and treats him with a sweetness that bttrnys her ; but he says no definite word of what is in his heart, and when they meet again her manner is eld almost to being repellant, while the smiles that were his then are somebody elf c's now. Why ? Because her pride hod said to her, "He does not really love you, or he would tell you so. He is only trifling with you, and you are forgetting womanly modesty and showing him all you feel." It ii an unbearable thought, and brings with it a determination to clothe her own feelingß at any cost ; so she assumes a co'dness that is harder for her to act than for him to accept, and hs misjudges her and drifts away altogether. It is a mistake for young men to judge a girl's character altogether by appearances. If women do look for a certain established position in marriage, can you blame them ? What can be more weariecme or more stifling to every moral and mental ambition than an eternal drudging at email household duties, and an eternal struggle to make one shilling do the work ofjtwo ? And yet I believe that where a woman loves and gains by her marringe an affectionate and considerate husband, such trials as these will ba gladly endured and counted as being fully made up for by the (rust and mutual comfort that exists between them. In lvgvd to the girl's frivolity being the drawback to happy marmgo, I will admit that I myself know several girls whom I cannot imaging as capable and satisfying helpmeets for any man. But there are men just as frivolous, and men who, though they are not frivolous, have faults which perhaps are graver still. ■ No girl in her senses can expect to prosper with a man who, cub of an income of £180 a year, can inansge to be abnormally furnished with the wherewithal for cigar and spirits, and to be intimately acquainted with the proceedings of every place of amusement there is to visit. A little of that sort of thing is all very well,- and doea more good than harm ; but to be always enabled to indulge iv these luxuries en a small income clearly proves that indulgence is placed before thrift. Let young men deny themselves these things ; the time to enjoy them will be later on, when by their sacrifices of to-day they have pub themselves b ;yond the reach of want. One remark made by your last correspondent referred to a matter the truth of which I have often regretted. It is about the readiness of girls to accept the attentions of passing atratgeisfco the neglect of thoge whom they have known long encugh to trust. I suppose it is because they, imagine there is more honour in gaining admiration from one who has travelled and seen a little of the world than from one. who has grown up side by side with themselves. But what do they know of the character or connections of these mere stranger* ?—? — wbo, as yonr correspondent says, very often trifle with a girl out here and return to their own C3u»itry to laugh at her expense. I conld — only your valuable space is limited, and I have written at too great a length already — tell of two or three cases where very unhappy results have risen from this ; but it seems to me that where an ordinarily good woman is sure of tbe love of an ordinarily good man she would be wiser to accept the greater prize, and treat mere passiog attentions with the neglect they deserve. j In conclusion, I would advise your late correspondent, at whatever cost to his own pride, to discover to a certainty exactly in what light his lady-love regards him. If she is worth having •he will accept his difficulties and wait for him ; and if she has not sufficient unselfishness to do that it sec ms to me that the discovery of it is tbe besb cure for his complaint, or, at least, resign him to her loss. But let him speak openly, frankly, and, come what will, he will at least bwe the satisfaction of knowing that any misunde! standing which may arise is no fault of his own. I hope, dear Emmeline, you will excuse mo for bo long, a letter ; bnt the subject is one wbich mußt interest everyone. Thanking you for airing it. — I am, &c, Yotjr Constant Reader, Deah Emmeline,— l should like to offer to your readers a few remarks on this vexed question, <^-peci<>liy »s I think "A Dunedin Young Man " has uot, by any means, treated ua fairly. He abuses us alike for waiting for him and for leaving him, and says we play with men to satisfy our vanity. I think ho quite forgets that " man is the hunter, woman is the game." He forms an attachment for a girl whom he has no prospect of asking to marry him, and then because someone who wants a wife, and who loves her for herself, and who, in short, supplants him in her affections, gains her, he says she has thrown bira over for some one " better off." I wonder how loDg he expects a woman to wait for a man " who can't even keep himself decently dressed " before she concludes that he is only playing with her— for men do these things occasionally — and (allowing that she does care for him) allows wounded ptide and pique and respect -for the other man to develop a stronger feeling, always remembering that love wins love, and no woman ctn be indiff -rent to a man who cares for her and whom she already respects. I don't think that either men or women are entirely to blame for the small number of marriages. The circumstances in which we live make it almost an im. ossibility on both sides, Iv the early days of the colony our fathers and Biothsra married as the natural way of fulfilling their destiny ; but look at their surroundings. A man's ambition was to possess a form. This object wag always before him ; he worked early and late, hoarded his mosey, and entirely de-

voted himself to the realisation of this end. His week-day dress consisted of a pair of moleskin trousers and a blue shirt, and his Sunday clothes of a pair of clean moleskin trousers and a ntw blue shirt. ~ When he went to see his sweetheart she dressed to receive him in her best wincey gown, and told him (if arrangements were sufficiently advanced) that she had saved enough to buy so many head of cattle, for that was what a woman's dower consisted of. Having bought his farm, he built his honsoof sods dug with the Ep»de, and built upon each other to form the walls. Wattle rafters and a thatch roof with a window of one sash and a door of his own manufacture completed tho structure. The floor was the original soil. His stab'e was either formed in the same manner, or he waited' till his first crop was gathered in, and piled the straw on a framework of sticks. Then having everything tidy he looked around •for a wife, and having found her, he turned carpenter, put a partition across his. hut, put in another window, and, if he wished things very nice, made a couple of chairs ; but in some cases these were an unknown luxury, boxes doing duty for them. Worse life than savages, you say. Perhaps ; yet many of our best off and uiostf respected people lived in just such a way. Compare that with the modern young couple. His ambition is firtit to get a watch, and then a bicycle, which, being acquired by the same steady effort thai our fathers used, continues* to be a drain on his resources for repairs and in trips on it. Then he has holidays, and railway excursions and cheap trips dandled ever before him; and above all it is the custom, and custom drags him on. One cannot ba different from one's fellows. Our fathers ceuld not. It wab only their surroundings that enabled them to do as they did. One of the American millionaires (I forget at this moment which) said that if he- were a young ma/i now he does not think he could become a millionaire, for there are so many inducements to spend money. Women are just in as bad a fix. There are ! cheap sales, cheap furniture, cheap pretty things j that every woman's soul delights in. All her frieudo get these things, and she has to follow suit or be dropped, for no bird of paradise asso- ! ciates with sparrows. Then take a marriagf. I defy any man and woman to set up housekeeping even (leaving parents out of account, and granting that both are willing) as our fathera did. After the smiles and jeers of their friends (P) had died away, social ostracism would slowly but surely set in. •' You are not one of us " would be the least of their troubles. The neighbours would tell her that ib waa only meanness on her husband's part, and show their own treasures, till the unhappy couple who still held on in their own wilful way would be glad, for the peace of their own hearth, of the utter seclusion of their fellow creatures. It would require a number of such men and women, formed into a society bound to live simple lives, to form a regenerating influence in society ; and to my girl readers who wish to be married I say never allow for one minute th\t you are willing to do tbi3, for if you look around you you find that men don't marry careful, thrifty women whom everybody says would make good wives, but thosa who laugh and dresa and dance, and with this concluding remark for the study of young tnon,— I am, &c, A Gotjntky Girl.