FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2202, 14 May 1896, Page 41

FUN AND FANCY.

—-What; is worse than raining oats and flogs ?— Hailing omnibuses. — Admit occasionally to your friend tfcat be kaews more than yoa do. It gives him a freat imprassion of your disorirainatien and ood sense. — " Wot Is it. Bill ? "— " I dunno. I spelts It's a butterfly."— "Gam— it's a wopse. Touch it an' see.! 1—"1 — " Orikey I Ain't Vr feet 'ot! I'—1 '— Judy. — Jets : " George asked me last night if the roses on your cheeks were genuine." Sees : "And yoa said ? " Jess i v Nothing— Bimplj winked." — Old Bullion : "What! You wish to marry my daughter ? She is a mere schoolgirl yet." Saitor: "Yes, sir. I oamo early to. avoid the rush." — Mrs Brownlow : " Now, Tommy, go and feis3 your ancle, or mamma will cane yoa." Tomcny (after a long look at bis surly old nncl«) ; " Oane me, ma." — Kicksy: " Wife, can you tell me why! am like a- hen?" Mre Kioksy :" No, dear I Why is it?" Kicksy; "B^cawse I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday." — " Now," said Mary Jane, " ray opinion of doctors is they're jast like husbands— yoa don't want to have one if yoa. oan help-it, an' if yoa can't help it have a good one and Btick to him.". -• - — American Millionaire ; "If wa go to Europe, Oynthia, I don't want you to marry any of them counts or dnkes. Yoa jast -wait until we ran across some king in reduced Circumstances." — A church bazzar is a place where we spend more than we can afford for thing* we do not want, in order to please people whom we do not like, and to help heathens who aro healthier than wo are. v- ''Now, then, Thomas, what are yon burning off my writing table?" said an author to his servant. "Only the paper that's written fell over; I haven't touched the clean," was the reply — She: "And you told me that it woald ever be your aim to make my life naught bat one of happiness. - And to think that I believed yoa I" He : " That's nothing, I believed it at the time myself." — TbiDga One Woald H*ve Expressed Differently. — " How are yoa, old chap 1 Are you keeping Btrong?" "No; only just managing to keep out of my grave." " Oh, I'm sorry to hear that I "--Punch. — First Company Promoter : " You think old Lambe is suspicious then ? How did he make you suspect that ? " Second Ditto : "Why, he deliberately counted his fingers after I had shaken hands with him I " —"I came across one of your old letters to-day, George, in which yoa said yoa woald rather be in endless torment with me than in bliss by yourself;" said Mrs Magun to her husband., "Well, my dearest, I got my wish," said the brute. — " You are worth your weight in gold to me, darting 1 " he murmured. " Then do go home early, George, dear," she replied wearily. "I've lost 101b since we became engaged just sitting up with you. Jv*e can't afford such extravagance." Mutual Friend : "It really ia shocking, dear, the way in which you and your husband quarrel and carry on. I wonder you doo't separate from him." Injured Wife:* " What! 1 go away and leave him alone to do jaat as he likes ? Not me 1 " — One Way of Looking at Ifc.—" Good heavens !" exclaimed the man in the chair, " you've pulled out the wrong tooth 1 " "So I have," replied the dentist regretfully. " Well, I cant charge you anythiag for that tooth, and I'm 5s oat pf pocket. That's what a man gets for being in a hurry." \ »— Helping Bach Other. — Mr Micawber: " I admire the helpful spirit the Wilbsrforce boys display. They are always doing what they oan for each other." M>- Quilp : " What have they done lately?" Mr Micawber t "John has become a denr.bt, while James has established a sweetstufE factory." Despite Himself. — Hare is a good story of Scottish prejudice against organs in churches. An old man who was one of the opponents of instrumental music in the church he attended was asked what he thought of the organ that had been introduced. " Mon/' waa the reply, " I'm feared I'm gann to like it I " — Firat Bicyclist Scorcher r "Ah l. Ran over anyone' this evening?" "Not yetr. Game nesr it Shougb, aboat 15 minutes ago, In Pall Mall. There was a man in front of me, and I thought I had him sare ; but, in the excitement of the moment, I lost my presence of mind and rang the bell too soon. Bpttpr lack next time." — Young fellow on his way home from his moruiag ride in the park drops in at his doctor's, and gives his horse to a boy to hold. When he comes out he finds a new boy in charge. Young fellow: "Well, bat yoa're not the boy I left my horse with." Boy: " No, sir. I speculated, and bought him off the other fellow for twopence." — French Waiter (ia London restaurant, to Yabaley, who has been trying to make himself understood in bill-of-fare French): " If za gentleman vill talk za language vot he, tas barn in* I vill very mooch, better understood." Mr Yabsley (to friend) : " Queer, ain't it, how soon, these Frenchmen forget their own language when they get over here 1 " — Not Disinterested. "Mabel," said her father, after Mr Sfcalafee had left, juit in time to .catch the last train, " that youeg man has shares in Ihe gas company, hasn't he?" "Yes." "-And he is also interested in the coal trade ? " "I believe so." "-Well, hereafter he mast be reminded that his departure is doe at 10 p.m. I am convinced that his devotion to yo» is not disinterested." — At a political meeting held in a Scottish town recently, a Scotch shoemaker, with a lcoaLrep«feation for humour, asked one of the candidates for parliamentary honour* the following 1 poser i— "ls Maister Walson in favour of spending thairty-six millions on the army, and navy aa* only twelve millions on education — that is to ssy, twelve millions jßor plfctin* brains in and thafrty-oix millions for Srawin' brains outT"

To invest your money to the best advantage I& everjßody'fl wish. When yon h*ve a eo«§h. or * cold tn.fi* Woodafc Great Pepperowib.Caxe, In 6d and 2« 6ii. AH Grocers and Chemist*.