PUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 953, 25 April 1889, Page 38

PUN AND FANCY.

— The young ladies of Boston have become so familiar with "Robert Elsmere " that they now call him "Bob."

— There may be worse men in this world than the one who deliberately interrupts you in the midst of your pet story, but you don't think so.

—New York Girl : " Why do you dislike 4 Macbeth/ Miss Lakeside 1 " Chicago Girl : " Because tragedy seems so commonplace to me. You know my papa has a slaughterhouse."

— An enterprising man, who had just embarked in the milk business, distributed a lot of circulars announcing that he was prepared to serve patrons with " milk of the first

water."

—The composer of " Put me in my little bed " announces that be got £2for writing that interesting lyric, and hints that it was not enough. It was not ; he ought to have got two years. ' —Tit for Tat.— Mistress (to Bridget) : " Is it possible, Bridget, you are looking through my trunk ? " Bridget (calmly) : " Vis, mum, an' didn't I catch you lookin'' through mine the other day 1 " ' ' — >■" Use your fork, Johnnie. Have' you forgotten so soon what I told you about using your fingers ?"—"? "— " Well, mamma, fingers were made before folks."—" Yes, they were '; but not yours, my son." —The following specimen of womanly assumption was given in one of the census returns at Portsea:— "Jane S , wife, head of the family, mangling woman ; John S , husband, turns my mangle." —Young Lady : " I want a pair of shoes, large and comfortable. Two will do."' New Boy (glancing at her foot): "Mr Leather, the lady wants two shoes, large and comfortable. Where's that box of sixes 1 " —The Misses Brown : " Oh, so glad to see you, Mary 1 But we've such dreadful colds, we can't kiss you, dear. We can only shake hands I " ' Fair Visitor : "Oh dear, How sad I I hope you haven't got a cold, Mr Brown." —Husband (on his return from' business) : " Why, my dear, what is the matter ? You look ill." Wife (faintly) : " Oh, John, I've juet been reading a patent medicine advertisement, and I find I have 27 diseases, any one of which may prove fatal." —Stout Old Lady (to druggist's . boy) : " Boy, d'ye keep a preparation for reducin' the weight?" Boy: "Yes'm." Stout Old Lady: "Well, I don't know eggsactly how much I ought to git." Boy (diagnosingly) : " Better take all we've got, ma'am." —Our Village Institute Soiree.— Sector's Wife (hysterically): "Here's a note come from those Wagshaws 1 They ask me to play and sing during the evening ; because, they say— they want the young and attractive women. to assist as waitress.es 1 1 "' (Tableau.) —Charming Young Hostess : "Why, Major, you are not going so soon 1 " Major (who prides, himself on being one of, those fine old, school 1 fellows who can say a neat thing without knowing it): "Soon! Madam, it may seem soon to you ; but it seems to me I have been here a lifetime.!' , —Fashionable Artist : " I hope you think I have caught your expression, madame ?" Wealthy Patron : "Ejr— not exactly (observing the artist's discomfiture.); "but as the portrait, is to be a surprise to my husband, perhaps it will be just as well if he does not recognise it at the first glance I " —Her brother Tom had just arrived home from Jndia, and ru3hed into the room and embraced his sister. " Why, how plump you've, grown, Edith!" he exclaimed. "You're really quite an armful ! " " Isn't she 1" exclaimed the young man, who is always invited because he is so amiable and makes himself so agreeable. ,

" Before I sit down I shall be happy to answer any questions that any of you may wish to ask." Gentleman in audience : " I have enjoyed the lecture much, sir, and have understood it all except a few technical terms. Will you please tell me what you mean by the words perspective, fresco, and mickle-anjelo?" (Lecturer sits down discouraged.) —An Irishman, being hard up for a job, took a walk down one of the quays to see if he could pick up an odd job. Seeing a captain standing on the deck of a sailing vessel, he addressed him, "Troth, captain, an' do ye want any sailors 1 " " Was you ever at sea before, Pat ?" said the captain. "Be my soul," said Pat, "an' do ye think I came over from Ireland in a coal cart 1 " A Kentucky gentleman, who recently came to, Washington to consult with his member of Congress about an office under the new administration, was asked by a gentleman from Boston whether' it is really true that the people of Kentucky are so very bibulous. "Bibulous!" said the Kentuckian. "Bibulous! I don't reckon you could find a dozen Bibles in the whole State."