FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1855, 10 June 1887, Page 36

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Do you have damp sheets 1 " said 1 the, fussy old man at the hotel securing a, room. " No," said the . waiter, who wanted to be obliging* " but we can sprinkle 'em for you if you like them that way." , „ . •■ — " Oh, why should they bury me deep 1 " is the title of some verses sent to this office by a .poetess. After reading the ,poem,the reason seems clear "enough to us; • . ". i — " Why, Brown, how short' iyour coat is,"' said Jones one day to friend Brown, who wittily i replied :' "Yes; but it will be long enough before I get another." ' ■ ! ! \ — A foreign lady, who has not become' iised* to the English* language, was invited to partake of some oysters. " Oh, thank you,' she replied. " A little .of the juice, please < none of the beasts." — It is a singular fact, but not less true,, that when two young men meet they address each other, "How are you,, old man?" and. that when two old fellows meet, <jhey say, " my boy." • < — " How styles have changed since I was i a girl," said an old lady. • " When ' I was young we used* to wear our dresses up to the' the neck, and gloves with only ,one button. Now they wear the glove up to'the neck and only one button ' on the dress." — Louisville | Post. —A man ' named Gasbill recently applied for the royal license to change his name, because his girl always objected to his figure, whenever he happened to metre. She said he was too high and turned him off. — " Ah, hum,",, sighed a society woman, as she was dressing for Lenten services, ," the ensuing six weeks will be such a tiresome bore that I almost wish the almanacmakers had not invented Lent." — Norristbwn Herald. — The Professor Abroad. — Boots at the hotel (going the round of the corridors): •" Sappermen't ! If' the absent-minded Herr Professor hasn't put his stockings outside the door this morning again, instead of his boots ! " — Humoristisches. —A few nights ago a woman delivered a lecture on " How a family of five may live on eight shillings a week." Next morning she askecTher husband for ten shillings for the purpose of marketing for two days, for a family of four. — A visitor to Ireland was bidding farewell and said to his attendant : " Good-bye Pat." ." Good-bye, yer ' honour. ' May God bless you, and may every hair of your head' be a > candle to light your soul to glory." "Well, Pat," he said, showing him a bald pate, " when that time comes there won't be' much of a torchlight procession." ■ - ! , — Prose. — Laura (who -is still a trifle romantic) : " Don't you think there is something very solemn about the fall of the dead leaves, Reginald?'? Reginald, her husband (who has outgrown his romance) : " Very. • (Pause.) Talking of dead leaves, what have I done with .mv tobacco ? " - —A country editor gives the following case of absence of mind : " A girl who was one of .our first loves was one night lighting us out after having passed a delightful ! evening. In bashful trepidation she blew us out.and drew the candle behind the door and kissed it." — Some men are ever ready to offer a; remedy for everything; i other day" we remarked to one of .these animated 'apothecary shops : "An idea'struck us yesterday — ." and before we could finish, he 'advised us : " Rub the affected part with' arnica ! " ' •' — A writer says he is never weary of reading a good' epitaph— one which indicates the w,ork of a lifetime in a few short 'crisp words. Here is one, for instance, which needs no explanation. It was inscribed' on' the tomb of a, cannibal : " He loved, his fellow men." , — Some ludicrous effects are sometimes produced in singing. One of the choruses of the oratorio " Naaman " is known as, ".the policeman's chorus," owing to the fact that the words, *f Haste to Samaria let us go I " sound, when sung, very much like " Haste, to some area let us go ! " — Lunatics are not always devoid of wit and satire. A stranger w.alking out about the Midway station, at • Mille.dgeville,< the. other day met a squad of them out. walking for exercise, and asked one of them, " Where: does this railroad go to?" To which the lunatic replied: "It don't go anywhere. Wekeep it here to run the cars on."— rColumbia, Ga., Enquirer-Sun. 11 — Two little children went to church alone. They became tired during the long sermon, and the older one, supposing the school's rules held good in churches, led his sister up in front of the preacher and said : " Please, sir, may we go home ? " He said, " Yes," and they soberly walked out. — At th<? Optician's. — " Pray, do you keep single eyeglasses 1 " " Oh, yes 1 Every variety. Here, choose for youself." " These are no good : I can't see through .one .of them I "A.' : Mm are really short-sighted 1: Then I shall i.ye to get you one made. Those we have in stock are all, made of window glass— the others are hardly, ever asked forl" — A ,boy paid his first visit to a, board •school the other day (as a scholar,),;and when he came home at night his mother inquired, • " Well, , Henry, how do you like going to school 1 " " First rate," he replied* in an excited voice. " I saw four , boys licked, one get his ear pulled, and a a big scholar burn his elbow on the stove. , I don't want to miss a day." — Beaming Hostess : " Can I send you some more soup, Mr Lurcher ? " Mr Lurcher : " No, thanks." Hostess (engagingly) : " Don't refuse, Mr Lurcher, because it isn't considered good form to be helped twice to soup." Mr Lurcher : " Oh, etiquette has nothing to do with it, madam ; it's the soup." — There were a few of the women of Connecticut in the last century who did*not keep some sort of a diary. An entry in one of these diaries shows what events were re corded, and also how witty some of the girls of the period were ; " 1790. > Whe bad roast pork for dinner, and Dr S , who carved,held up a rib on , his fork, and said: '.Here,' ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.' 1 Yea,' said Sister Patty, ' and it's from very much the same kind of critter."'— rjaying* Church.