Fun

Otago Witness, Issue 1490, 5 June 1880, Page 24

Fun

0 Are men who flatter ladies Ehe-praisers ? A woodcutter never fells a tree against its will. He always axes it first. " This can't be beat," as tha man said when he bought the porcelain egg. A Wedding Trip.—Stumbling over the bride's train. An Englishman who is boarding says he can stand Ash Wednesday once in a while, but 'ash Monday every week, is too 'ard. How ib it that the summer always goes so quickly ? Because there is often an evening mist. "Sheep plagued me, your Honour, and I lambed her," said the prisoner. " Well, veal give you thirty days (< Morality is at steak!" replied the police justice. Apothecary: "You want this presoiption filled, sir, I understand?" Patrick: "Divil a bit of it, surr! It's the bottle I wud have filled." A young lady attending balls and parties should have a female chaperone until she is able to call some chap her own. The managers of a swell ball in Albany announce that " ladies ia bonnets and gentlemen in ulsters will not be admitted on the floor." The Boston Courier says that the women of the country are about to organise a general protest against the unnecessary and pernicious custom of emblazoning their ages on tombstones, Scth Green, the fish culturist, thinks that trout can hold conversations with each other. "If this be so," asks an old coloured fisher, man on our dock, "why am it, honey, dafc de fishes don't understand de hidden meanin' ob de bait ?" A Predestinate E A.—Mamma (entering)— "Now, I'm sure you childi ea are in mischief, you are so quiet!" Ethel (in a rapturous whisper): " Hush, ma! Tommy's been painting a spider's web on grandpa's head while he's asleep, to keep the flies off !"—Punob.. A citizen of Fleming, Kentucky, fired at a rat, struck a keg of powder, blew his house to pieces, and had to jump into the river to keep from burning up. The rat remains unhurt. "Why am I made a sandwich ?" said young Snobson plaintively, as a lady aat down either side of him in the horse car. " Because we are better bred than you are," said one of the damsels sweetly, and Snobson mustered courage to squeeze out to the platform. "Dafc cullud puasun on the jury, him's de man I objec' to," said a negro when put on trial in the Marion, 5.0., Court, the other day. The blaok, good man and true, was unseated, and the prisoner given acquittal. After his release, the darkey was asked what he had against a juryman of his own colour. " Nuffin at all, boss," said he, " but, ye see, I knowed if I flattered de prejudus ob de odder jurymen dat I get off, an' golly I did !" It is said that " glass eyes for horses are now so beautifully made that they completely defy detection. This imitation must be wonderful indeed, for we understand that the horses them, selves cannot see through the deception. At dinner she had a doctor on either hand, one of whom remarked that they were well served since they had a duck between them. " Yes," she broke in—her wit is of the sort that cornea in flashes—"and I am between two quacks." Then silence fell. Clergyman—" I wish to complain Mrs Diggins, of the conduct of your daughter at the Sunday-school to day ; it was rude in the extreme." Mrs Digging—" Ah, it's what they teaches her at that theer publio school as dun it; yesterday she come home, and she says: 'Mother they are a-teaching of me vulgar fraxsbuns.' What can you expect after that, sir?" " Water your cows thoroughly, and you will have a large yield of milk," says an agricultural authority. If it is a good rule, ifc will work the other -way, " Milk youv cows thoroughly, and you will have a large yield of water." We'll leave it with the milkmen to decide. No one knows who invented 'he fashion of turning down the corner of a visiting card, but the fashion of turning down the corner of the street was first thought of by the man who owed to an approaching creditor a long-standing bill. A Bed-civ Answer.—Very Red-hairpd Passenger : "I say, Guard, why on earth don't the train go on p" Guard : " Good gracious, sir ! put your head in; how can you expect to go on while that danger signal ia out ?" " How much are these goods a yard P" said a gentleman at an American dry goods store, _the other day, as he picked up and examined apiece of raffled silk. "Good Gracious.'* cried the Imrrified clerk, " that isn't for Bale ! That's the end of a lady's train ! She's just going up to the third story in the elevator." A boy who wont take as bie a bite as he can from another boy's apple, v disguising his real feelings and should be narrowly watched, lpot he make a sudden grab and run off with the " When I was young," said Mrs Scoldwell to her little girl, "I used to love my dear mamma too well to act as you do." " And did your mamma," replied Berfcha, quickly, "used to be all the time telling you what she did when she wasn girl. Strange things happen in Southern Colorado. A tourist by simply throwing one stone down tho mountain-side, made the snow slide elide, a cowslip slip, and a butterfly fly. All of whioh so amazpd him, that he started off at a run, making his coat-flap flap. " A lady entering an omnibus or Bfcreefc car should bow slightly to the other passengers," says a recent authority on etiquette. In ordey to BGGure tho observance of this point, the driver should start tho koreei ft Utfele before tiiO My ia eeatei,