ON THE BEAT.

Otago Witness, Issue 1190, 19 September 1874, Page 13

ON THE BEAT.

" Quio hhiiard sa rida, na qnita sa ftitahl Onquo."— THAKAMB.VU'd AIJVCCK TO HIS iSiIV.

My friend, the " intelligent Vagrant," told a good tale last week in the Bruce Herald, about a parson's horse, and one which I believe in every particular to bo absolutely correct. Here is another, if the reader does not object to horse tales. A gentleman in this town, highly rospected for his ability and devotion to the show business, went out last Sunday with two friends on horseback. The hero of this tale rode a whitish sort of grey hoive, and with his two claims called at a friend's house on the way. The friend— who, for the sake of distinction, I will call Crasher —lives on the "Flat," where, unfortunately, good thick black mud is in profusion. The horses being tied up in tho yard, the three equestrians adjourned inside for a liquor, and on preparing to remount, the showmui discovered that some one had changed his horse and left a black one in its place. Po<-r fellow, he was in a terrible state about the exchange, till he espied a white spot on the near hind leg, and after waiting a few mimih'S, the black horse began to assume its original colour, whitish grey. In short, lie had only been rolling in the back yard, and the thick mud was by degrees slowly dripping off him. The showman says, when he goes out that way in future, he shall provide himself with a piece of hcop-iron and a sponge.

I never knew till the other day that members of the Fourth Estate suffered from gout. I was always under thu impression that this malady is entirely a rich man's complaint ; but it did my eyes good, when buying a pennyworth of sticking-plaster, the other day, at Dermer's, to read in the pa[ er it was wrapped up in a testimonial from a gentleman connected with the Press in this town. He says that Dermer's remedy is a splendid thing for rheumatism gout. I must get the gout if possible, in order to give Dermer a turn.

While being operated upon last week in a respectable barber's shop in. Priuces Street, in company with three other gentlemen who were losing their hair by inches, with the assistance of scissors, I was much amused to hear No. 1 shout out, _ "Hallo, what the deuce are you putting on my head V No. 2 also cried out, "By Jovo, old boy, you're burning holes in"my skull !" while No. 3 rushed out in the back yard, and dived into a water-bntt. I was some time trying to sqlve this mystery, and when I did, I discovered that the boy had filled up the scent distributor with sulphuric acid. The barber's youngsters had been suffering from diphtheria, and this was some of Greathead's remedy which had accidentally got into the wrong bottle. " Mistakes will oocur in the best regulated," &c.

My friend, Bristles, received an invitation, last Saturday, to spend the day with the Resident Magistrate on Tuesday, The invitation was delivered by a gentleman in uniform— l suppose the butler. It was written on blue paper, and expressly intimated that it was merely a "small and early," and to be punctual, half-past ten. Before this appears in print, Bristles will have accepted the invitation, and will prabably be on terms of the most lasting intimacy with Mr. Caldwell. Whon. Bristles arrived at the party, I believe his host asked him to relate that little affair in connection with his experiment on a railway train ; but Bristles kn«w nothing aboub it, so I believe the matter dropped through. After all, it is nob nice to bo served with a summons ; somehow you feel that every policeman you pass is looking at you.

The report of the Press Dramatic Club is a most satisfactory one, and I believe the balance-sheet also presented a favourable appearance ; only the item " rent " was very heavy, and this reduced the dividend. lam informed, however, that the Club has arranged for a room to hold their meetings in at a little less rant. The dinner was a most successful affair. Mr. Sibbald catered in a style ihat Mr. Sibbald only can, when he is put to it. The speeches were of a somewhat egotistical character, but of course this could not be avoided. It is the only dinner, I believe, at which the rejjortera are properly treated. I think the song that was best rendered during the evening was the "Drunkard Returns," by Mr. Beery, of the Daily Scarifier. The whole aifiir was a great success, and speaks volumes for the members of the Club. I had nearly forgotten to mention onetoastthat was proposed — namely, the "Dramatic Authors." It was at first supposed that no one could be found to reply ; but the members were soon undeceived, for up jumped a gentleman who had written a piece entitled " The Hairless Horse, or the Hurricane Heavers of the Trackless Prairies." Ho said that he had only written two pieces in his life, but this entitled him to rank as a dramatic author. The first piece va3 produced in Fiji, and would have been a marked success, had not a Fijian ru lied behind the scenes, in the second act, and killed the heavy villain of the piece by scraping his head with a tomahawk. As this person happened to be leading man, the piece was not a success. His dec md effort, entitled the " Bleeding Butcher

or Baffled Designs," was received with rounds of applause, and drew crowded hotisos. Under these circumstances, he took the liberty of replying for the Dramatic Authors. I believe Mr. Bathgate to be an admirable magistrate in every sense of the word, but I cannot admit that he can teach a reporter his business. However, last Tuesday, he tried to do this, and accompanied the effort with a severe personal attack on a reporter who happened Lo be present. Mr. Bathgate took up the cudgels for Street— who, by the bye, if he were possessed of the spirit of a spider, would have sought redresß himself, and not placed the matter in the hands of one who from his position is enabled to taunt the reporter with his age (in which particular, I might mention, he calculated exactly to a day three years short), and charge him with misreporting, while the accused is unable to defend himself. The reporter, in his letter of defence, undoubtedly got the best of it this time; and unless Street has a better card than this to play against a man with whom he has a grievance, ho will be euchred every time. Constable X.