Varieties.

Otago Witness, Volume 25, Issue 1004, 25 February 1871, Page 21

Varieties.

A Losing Hazard. — Matrimony. A Staoe Coach.— The Prompter. Backgammon. — A lady's chignon. The Seat op Wak.— A camp-stool. A Woman's Ailment.— The stitch. The Gatjl op Bitterness. — France. The Board of -Trade. — The counter. The Royal Exchange.— From the Tullerfei to Wilhelmshohe. A Place for the Sale op Constituehcies — The Borough Market. Why is a whale like a water-lily ?— Because it comes to the surface to blow. Sporting Jewellery. — A hunting watch, and a racing stud. Why is a musical instrument like the open sea ? — Because it's often sounded. However much a pawnbroker's shop may be crowded, it is always a loan some place. Politeness is an air-cushion : there may be nothing in it ; but it eases jolts wonderfully; " Come," said a snob to a mechanic, " let us meet on a level."—" Have to blow my brains out to do that," was the reply. " You have broken your promise," said one to another. " Never you mind ! I can make another just as good." Under the head of "Crimes and Casualties," a rural papei mentions the fact that a rival editor has just published a book. There's a purple half to the grape, a mellow half to the peach, a sunny half to the globe, and a " better-half" to man. " Mabsa, de taters up." — " The potatoes up ; you rascal, I only planted yesterday." — " I know dat, massa ; but de hogs got in las 1 nite, angubumalif'." Cookneyism ih the Country. — First Cook* ney : •* I say, what sort of a 'ouse will do for a fowl 'ouse ?" Second Cockney : " Lor* bless yer, henny 'ouse " "Madam," said a trance-medium, "your late husband's spirit desires to oomaranioftto with you."—" No matter," said the widow ; "if he's got no more spirit in the other world than he had in this, If 8 not worth bothering about." An alderman was heard the other «L*y putting forth the following specimen of what may bo called "corporation" logio :—"All: — "All human things are hollow ; I'm s> human thing, therefore I'm hollow. It is contemptible to be hollow, therefore Til stuff myatl! as full as I'm able." An American being solicited to give a cer»

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tiflcate of character respecting a man who had applied elsewhere for a situation, kept within the confines of the truth by saying, " He is as honest as most other people, has 'neen known to speak the truth occasionally, and is fre quenfcly sober." There is a youth who, every time he wishes to get a glimpse of his sweetheart, cries " Fire ! " directly under her window. In the alarm of the moment she plunges her head out of the window; ani inquires, " Where ?"— when he poetically slaps himself on the bosom, and exclaims, " 'Ere, lay Carolina 1"

A student was under examination at the College of Surgeons, when a hypothetical case was submitted, its various stages described, and mode of treatment required. At last came the crisis : " Now sir," said Sir A. C, "what would you do ?" — " Sir," replied the pupil of Esculapiuß, " I would send for you." Asr Active Chinaman. — A curious story comes from San Francisco of two policemen who tried to arrest a .Chinaman. They found it necessary to leave him a moment, and handcuffed him with his arms each side of a lamp-post, When they returned their prisoner was gone : He had climbed up the post and swung bis arms over the top. An American contemporary says it will publish original poetry on the same terms as advertisements. Another paper says, "We have received a few choice specimens of the same commodity, which we should be pleased to dispose of in the same manner." And a third adds, " And, if the supply should not be equal to the demand, we can furnish any quantity to make up the deficiency " Shan't Have the Palm .'—The Scientific Review actually praises the invention of a new glove for ladies, which contains a purse in the palm. Good gracious ! Don't these scientific writers know that women can keep money in hand ! Are they not aware that money when placed in their itching palms is played old scratch with ? Don't they (M.S. incomplete. Suppose our contributor's wife came in as he was writing. )

Ms. Peter Cote, a solicitor, was once called upon by two young men for professional assistance, One of them commenced : " Mr. Cute, our father died and made a will." — " Is it possible ? I never heard of such a thing," answered Mr. Cute.— "l thought it happened every day," said the young man.— " It's the first case of the kind," answered Mr. Cute—" Well," said the young man, "if there is to be any difficulty about it, we had better give you a fee to attend to the business."—The fee was given, and then Mr. Cute observed : "Oh 1 I think 1 know what you mean. You mean that your father made a will and died. Yes, yes, that must be it— that must be it." But he took the fee nevertheless.

Confusion Worse CoNPorNDED.-A witness in a trial at "Winchester, before Mr. Baron Martin, persisted in telling what other people said, and interlarded his testimony so often with "said 1" and "said he," that the counsel was utterly bewildered. The court attempted to set him right. — '' My good man, tell us exactly what happened." — "Yes, my lord, certainly. I said I should not have the pig."—" WeU, what was his answer ?" — " He said that he had been keeping the pig for me, and that he "— " No, no, he did not say that— he could not have said it ; he spoke in the first person." — " I „was the first person that spoke, my lord." — " I mean this — don't bring in the third person ; repeat his exact words." — "There was no third person; my lord ; only him and me." — " Look here, my good fellow — he did not say he had been keeping the pig ; he said, ' I have been keeping it.' " — " I assure you, my lord, there was no mention of your lordship at all. We are on tw© different stories, my lord. There was no third person, my lord, and if anything had been said about your lordship I must have heard it.

Mr Vogel's departure for England is thus commented upon by ' 'JEgles" in the Australasian :—" The New Zealanders owe ten millions or so. They rather like the liability. So much do they appreciate it that they have determined to borrow a trifle of six millions more — that ia, if they can. They have sent a smart man to try, or, rather, he has Bent himself, for he started the idea, made it popular, and then had himself appointed specially to do the work. la common with a good many others in Victoria, I have the honour of being acquainted with this smart man. They know him at Dunolly and Maryborough, and parts adjacent. He was a sharp and bold mining speculator, and was a by no means contemptible player of unlimited 100. By sheer industry,' tact, and I think talent, Ju'.iuß Vogel has risen to the rank oi the leading politician of New Zealand. He has one capital qualification, a convenient deafness. He never hears what he doesn't want to hear, and yet it is wonderful how much he does hear. His bete noir is Dr Featherston, and I am told that he is the only leading man in New Zealand over whom Mr Vogel has not cast his glamour. The speed with which Mr V. made tracks upon his mission via California, upon the return of Dr F. from England, was suggestive of a sense of approaching counterinfluence. The subsequent appointment of Dr F. as colonial agent, and his instant despatch to London after Mr V., resembles nothing so much as the policy of the Polynesia Company, which never despatched an emissary to Fiji without following him up with another to watch him. J. V. may be trusted alone, he can take oare of himself, and if he does succeed in borrowing six millions of English money he will have done a smart thing for New Zealand, and he might make a little himself, in the regular way, of course."