Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 567, 11 October 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

The consumption of snails in Paris is annually increasing. More than L 10,00) worth is annually sold iv the mirket theier

" Do you keep matches ?" nskeel a wag of a country rjrocer. " Oh, yes, all kinds," was the reply. "Well, I'll take a trotting match," said tho wag. Thegrocer iinmeJ lately handed him a box of pills. Negho Logic. — " t-'ambo, wliar you get dat watch you ware to meetin' last Sunday?" "How do you know I h,ib watch ]" '• Bekase I seed de chain Jiang cut de pocket in front." "Go way, nigger ! S pose you see halter round my neck, yoa tink dare is horse iosielc ob me."

Reward for Early Hours.— We say to young ladies, " As you prize your beauty, as you value your future prosppct*, go to bed early. Look at Cinderella ! Whenever she went to a ball she was bidden by her good godmamma to leave off precisely at twelve. And what was her reward ] Why she married a Prince !"'

Tin: Biutisii Navy.— The British Navy at the present moment comprises a grand total of Bj(3 vessels of all rates aud classes, exclusive of 150 line-of-baUle and other sailing ships stationed at the ports of England and the colonies— iv all, upwards of 1000 vessels. Of this immense fleet; only 151 are sailing ships, tho remainder being steam vessels. Why, is an egg like a horse 1 Because it is no!; useable till broken.

Seventeen private soldiers of the Fench army, in Bonaparte's time, by their bravery and talents, raised themselves to the following distinguished stations :—: — Two became kings ; two, princes ; nine, dukes ; two, field-marshals ; and two, generals. Frederick the Great wasalways very fond of disputation ; bnt as he generally terminated the discussion by collaring his antagonist and kicking his shin 3, few of his guests were disposed to enter into the arena against him. One day, when he was even more dispose I for an argument, be asked one of his suite why lie did not venture to give his opinion on some particular question. *' Xt is impossible, your majesty," was the reply, '"to express an opinion before a sovereign who has such very strong convictions, and who wears such very strong boots.''

SrmiTEn Young Lady. - A gentleman being in company with a sprightly damsel of about fourteen, was somewhat annoyed by her playing trickery. At length he exclaimed, " Now, my dear girl, do be still !" This touched the cord of feminine vanity which is sure to vibrate. Assuming an air of importance, and retiring a pace or two, she drew herself into a position of self-defence, and responded, " Girl, indeed ! I am as ■»iurh of a woman as you are/" A 'cute little fellow, whose father sent him to the Post Office wilh a letter and the money to pay the postage, returned, after half an hour's absence, highly delighted, and rushing up to his father exclaimed, " Father, I seed a lot of men putting letters in a little place, and when no one waa looking, I slipped yours in for nothing, and bought some cake with the money.' 1

'• Pay me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. " For what ]" >s For the opinion you had of me." " Faith, I never had any opinion of you in my life."

A new patent stove, for the convenience of travellers, has just been invented. It is placed under the fee*,, and a mustard plaster upon the head draws the heat through the whole system. " I suppose," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of a patient who had reluctantly submitted to solicit hia advice—" I suppose you think me a bit of a humbug V — " Sir," gravely replied the siok man, " I waa not aware until now, that you could so readily discover a man's thoughts by feeling his pulse." A gentleman at a musical party, where the lady waa very particular not to have the concord of sweet sounds interrupted, was freezing under the performance of a louff-copcerted piece, and seeing that the fire was going out, asked a friend, in a whisper, '* How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music." " Between the bars," replied the friend. AsrRONOMiCAL Solution. — At a school in London the learned master was giving a lecture on astronomy ; and after alluding to the. representation of the world on the shoulders of At'as, asked the class generally on what Atlas stood. One replied, as the world was made of chaos, he must stand on chaos, another conjectured on a rock j when a lad from Cardiff, at the bottom of the class exclaimed, '• I know; but it is not my turn yet." When the question was put to him, the whole class was on tiptoe to hear the young Welshman's idea, when, with, an air of consequence, he exclaimed, " On his leg's to be sure: on what else could he stand ?"

Hint to Newsroom Monopolists. — In a country newsroom the following notice is written over the chimney : — " Gentlemen learnine: to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper." An Irish officer, not very conversant in law terms, was lately tried for an allege 1 assault. As the jury 'vcre coining to be sworn, the judge addressing the major, told him, that if there was any amongst them to whom he had any objection, that was the time to challenge them. "1 thank your lordship," said the gallant prisoner, " but, with your lordship's permission, I'll defer that ceremony till after my trial, and if they don't acquit me, by the piper of Leinster, I'll challenge every mother's son of them, and have 'em out too."

A " Moderate " Drinker. — A brewet's drayman lately died at the age of thirty-one, who had for ten years drunk ten or twelve quarts of Bass's in a day. And that's what ale-d him.

•'Speaking of bathing," said Mrs Partington, from behind the steam that arose from her tea, as a veil to her blushes when touching on so delicate a subject, " some can bathe with perfect impurity in water as cold as Greenland's icy mountains and India's coral strands, but, for my part, I prefer to have the water a little torpid."

The girls wear so much scarlet this winter, that they seem clad in blushes, like modest worth, or a boiled lobster. One even goes so far as to have vermillion slippers and red hair. No wonder the firebell's ring. — American Paper. A paper in the interest of one of our politicians boasts that he " can stand upon his intellectual capital." We suppose it means that he can stand upon his head. — American Paper.

A Con for Naturalists.— What creatures may be said to live on their relations 1 Why, the aunteaters, to be sure ! — Punch 1

Criticism below Stairs,— " Why, what a deep tragedy it must be," said Jane to Susan, who was relating what she had seen at the Theatre. " Yes," replied Busan, " they all die. The young man in the black velvet and bugle clothes seems very poorly from the beginning, for when he first comes on he looks so pale, and he keeps his eyes turned up to the ceiling all the evening, which means that his thoughts are not connected with the earth. I think he is suffering from sunstroke, or what the Scotch call coup de soldi, as he complains of being too much in the sun. Well, then, there is. one of the men in armour from the Lord Mayor's show. I'msure it's the same, for I knew him the moment he came on, and he has a long talk with the young man in the bugles, (I hadn't a bill, so I can't tell you their names.) I couldn't hear what he said very well, because there was some confusion at the timi, caused by a misunderstanding among somß gentlemen in the gallery. All that I snow is, that he said he had just come from a great fire somewhere, and was telling him all about it. 1 caught some of the words, such as sulphur and Lethe* whaif, so I suppose that is where the flre was. I think I know Lethe's wharf ; it's where the Scotch steamers start from. Thon then there is a mad girl, who sings dismal ditties, sells flowers, commits suicides, and then drowns herself. The King and Queen are both dressed alike in red frocks, made high j they seem a very happy couple, as they are always taking a walk together nil through the piece. The Queen is poisoned. The King gets 1 stuck. An elderly gentleman with a very long walking stick also gets stuck. Velvet and bugles and an intimate friend of his stick one another, and then thay all lay dead in a heap. 1 never enjoyed myself so much at a $ky in ray life, and then— there's that cussed bell — J most tell you the* rest of it by-and-bye,"