GISBIN THE GOLDIN AGAIN

NZ Truth, Issue 464, 9 May 1914, Page 2

GI SB IN THE GOLDIN AGAIN

v SCORBUTIC SECRETARY. MM WITH BOODLE BELONGING TO BUTCHERS' UNION. Another Salvarmy Sweating Institution. Effluvium Experts Investigate.— A Deed m the Dark ■ * (By "Truth's" Gisborne Correspondent.)

Sassiety , hetes" are scarce. Five pound notes are scarcer. Herries is ,' hurrying iip and;; down the coast telling an incredulous public of the Parliamentary miracles* that have been accomplished by the Massey Ministry. How he gets over the Natives when asked why a certain clause of the new Native Land Act compels the brown brother (and sister, too, for that matter) to sell to the Government ONLY (if they demand it) at Government Valuation— -which is about half the market value— even though a private • individual may be willing to give more, has not, as yet, transpired. Tchimmy . Taihoa is on a pipi-digging or cray-fish-diving expedition and the great Gisbin asset-4-the stench— lies dormant DEFAULTING OFFICIAL FLEES. ; When the old Butchers' Union was thrown out of action during the last freezing works strike, a scorbutic, or, as the vulgah term it, a "scab," union ! was Franklin, 'who, up ' tb a year, or so ago, had always beon respected" as' a solid grafter, was chosen as—secretary. . Teddy, however, had' very Tof by Aspirations; m fact, of such altitude were these that he almost 1 ' saw On his mind) tho bags of lucre stacked ilp m the family wash-house or on the front verandah, Edwin had decided to be. a money bug. He was going to rival" Rockefeller or Jay Gould and would ride rough-shod m a golden car with silver wheels over the rotten roads of golden Gisoin. But, as. old Omar Khayyam has remarked: Tho worldly hope men set their hearts upon Turns ashes— or it prospers; and anon, -.■ ■ * . - Like • snow . upon the desert's - - ■ ■ dosty face , ■ Lighting" a 'little hour or two — is gone. ■ ; , l '^ed"B:..nopje^- t'ffP'ed ashes „ and ho (Hkq 'the -above-mentioned snow) Is also gone. The component parts of . this social world consist of two factors 1 — producers and parasites. Among the latter are to be found parsons, procuresses, prostitutes, bum-politicians and bookmakers. Eddie, not being either sexually or intellectually fitted to be' one of the first of the four parasites, decided to become one of the fifth estate. He found that, on account cf a fancied bodily ailment, the slaying and disembowelling; of Jumbucks was an occupation for which he was totally' unfitted. So Edwin took unto himself a billiard "joint" m Te Kooti's Albion, earavansery, which action, In tho vernacular, is known to the initiated as a "stall." .This word must not be confounded with tho stalls which "Truth's" rep. so often presides at during the Presbyterian' bazaar season. In this instance it means on excuse for berne alive or a "means of evasion." Then things began to boom with the erratic Eddie. The place PROVIDED PTOP^ERS IN PLENTY and mugs gaJorre."'; He got the edges of hls ! claws on the edges of three or four properties and dreamed of the time $ when he, with an. inflated waistcoat and indignant air, would flout the ideah of granting an extra bob a week to Bomo-grumbling' grafter on bis prospective^ station... But, alas! for, the sum of human aspirations. Eddie began to make bets "wild as tho wave." Now, overy John 'Op who has a quiet bet with a bookie knows that-Jho "totebettor", accents a limit, usually from ten pounds the first horse to seven-ten or a modest fiver the second neddy. Teddy went a few better than this; hi fact, he raised It some. Ho began to give tho" Cote"' limit. He was a si>ort artd "wouldn't listen to tho - scriptural •advice of '"Truth's" rep., which is to be found In tho 13th chapter of the book of Proverbs, ' IBth vense, and which 'reads: "Poverty and shame Bhall bo to him that ref useth instruction; but he that regardoth reproof shall be honored." Then came a day when the unbacked gec-geo didn't geo enough and the backed one gecd so strenuously that ho paid out a twenty-six quid 'divvy (vide Hportlng: columns of "War Cry") and Eddlo held quite a quantity of It Then, to quote Numbers, 21st chapter and 23th verso, "Wpe, woe, to thee, ISdflle! Thou art undone." So Teddy the mutton tlgrer packed his port j and sailed tho ocean blue, taking with ; ■him the butchers' boodlo and the heartfelt CURSES OF THE UNPAID PUNTERS. Ho wont at a moment's notice, leaving his hard-working little wife with a brace of kld« and a couple of quids to face a hard world with. Then, to misquote Grey, ho Left tho warm precincts of the becrCul Bay, Nor cast ono longing, lingering look behind. No doubt It, was on account of hl.s hur- . Hod dnpnrturo that ho forgot to leave tho lucre behind which belongs to the Kcnrbullc union. The odds aro a devil of a lot to « deuced little that Edwin will never ftßn ln bo seen 'ln the beautiful Hay. In fact, long Charley Is offer Inpr to ltty "a kroon lo a bawbee" that he Its, alan, lohi to us forovorraoro. It would hardly pay him to again visit tin* Hal, for, lo quote tho Holy Hook, "Woe unto tho wicked J It shall !><• IH with him. .Kor the reward of his bonds Khali hi; glv<>n him." Of course there 1h iho usual woman In tho caae. and. UK it Ih rumori-d that ho has departed for tin; "Uwd ut the Golden Klcos," Sydney "Truth" plcuKe copy! WANTED, A HOME FOR PURIFIED PROSTITUTES I HriitudU'r Hruy ban been braying to the Poverty Bui people that the tlmo Ih now rijic (not the stink— that Ik a Hummc-r fruit) tor tin* erection of v. homo for wotled dov«-s. According to tho Jlj?g<Rrdt*«r-G<Mioral, th<- liar my has been' ho bu«y washing uway tho »m» of divers doves In their oth«.«r cnt« that On- Kity rrtrln of Olnnln Imvo bf-on quite? nik'lftiU'd and It In nn(icl(>tu«:d that (jttlw< a crop of fining Xv«« will bo Bimrod for Iho tK'-rtibhlnf-r and pntylutr buolncMt of Iho holy pl^oou loft Anyhow, Gltibln te'not" wholly without Its wnntonn who cator for iho wnnt» of tho wicked. "Troth'K" r«p. h»M. on nmrc than ono occnwlon. bt*«n rtr<*<mtod ' by vlclmin. |»orarobiilatln« p>mk«. <n»<« of thww> utrolliiuc «trump«iu«. mlnt.aklnK hlnfcvfoc-an., caay^vlcti™,- 'occoated . JiUn,

with the, information that "she had only an hour to spare during which to pick up a PRO TEM husband, as one of her neighbors was minding her baby and her domestic duties would simply HAVE to be attended to. 'In the interim she was, as it were, on the world's market and at THE DISPOSAL, "OF N ANY BUYER of bawdry who might happen along with the requisite amount of cash to meet the requirements of the case. The prospects of an angry husband, another^ baby, or that dread disease which is rapidly sapping away the strength of the nation never seemed to enter^the "seller's" mind. Needless to say, "Truth's" rep. (who was on his way to divine service) was not a"buyer," for, mindful of an. early pious teaching, he remembered the Proverbs of old. Solomon, who spoke from experience: "He goeth' after her straightaway as an ox goeth to the slaughter or as a fool' to the correction of the stocks; till a dart strike through his liver; 'as a bird hasteneth to the snare and Jknoweth not that it is for his life." "Truth's" rep. didn't want any darts through his liver. An invitation extended to tlio "seller" to attend the mother's monthly meeting or tho Gnild | of the Sisters of Salem was met with ribald scorn and a request for A "808 FOR A BOOZE." No wonder Senior-Sergeant Hutton said, m connection " with the Sweet Marie case recently reported m "Truth," that "the place was rendered totally unfit for respectable people by such characters as the accused." The place he deferred to 'was the Esplaniade, on tho banks of the River Stynx. Tho adventures which brought tho mantling blush of modesty to the cheek [of "Truth's" rep. took place m the garish gaslight of Gladstone-road. That gentleman /-with the double-barrelled initial to his front name, Mr. L.l. Etherington, didn't mention any of these facts •m his brochure entitled "Gisborne the Golden." -"Truth," however, remedies the omission, the copyright, right and title of which he (LI.) is quite at liberty to use when he publishes his second edition of G. the G. A month or so ago a young Maori girl, who had got slightly out of hand and ended up a questionable holiday by taking to herself aa. .stylisth t tweed costume which she had omitted' to pay for, was relegated to a home m distant Christchurch, where she would never have the opportunity of seeing her own people or receiving visits from them. What this means for a Maori ONLY A MAORI KNOWS. Of course the good old; public had to finance the dusky damsel's passage and incidental exes, whereas, if Gisbin had a Salvarmy sweatcry oC its own, the said exes, would havo been saved and the sad little Maori maid's soul could have been washed "m to prud ofa to ram," and her mai*r6w bones calloused and her very $p*rit withered m the scrubbing and praying depot of her own native soil. : SCIENTIFIC STENCH DETECTORS AT WORK. Gisbin the Goldin has just had a visit from three wise men of the East (or South, is , it?) who have been searching for sunshine m a coal mine at midnight. ,They didn't find it. These three gentlemen, Drs. Valintino and Reakcs, accompanied by Mr. R. W. Holmes, have been sleuthing tho purlieus of Gisborne m the vain attempt to arrest a certain. smell, fetor, or plain stink. They came home from the hunt sadly disappointed men. They had searched high, low and Intermediate, and, instead of being blinded m fogbanks of typhoid germs, they had met nothing but balmy breezes, loaded with tho voluptuous fragrance of the perfumes of Arabia; ihe alleged FOULED AND TAINTED BREEZE was found to be a gentle zephyr of musk, francklncense, pastil and myrrh. It was very discouraging. Dr. Fourteenth of February and his friends had sallied forth soaked m disinfectants arid determined to find that stink or perish m the attempt. Yea and alas! They found It not. The local penny purveyor of doubtful diction suddenly assumed' tho ferocity of a suot dumpling, and, In its report, remarked, "Of course It was recognised that the present conditions were no true Indication of tho conditions as they had prevailed." Reahlly! No! ! Ncv-vah! ! ! What the cuts' meat wrapper really Intended to say was, "Owing to tho fact that there has been a very heavy flood. In the Taruheru river it Is now a most inopportune Ume to search for the sources of minks which -aro only pronounced m the summer, at which time, owing loAhu How of water being Insufllclent to convoy the putridities which ure poured into It from the freezing workH into the B<mi, the muddy flats become slimed with tho tilth which noura ll.s protest to the very heavens. We rcijrel that the learned Kentlcmon .should have arrived at mioh an unKultable time, as the river luls just received a thorough flood .sluicing and there is such a quantity of water In It at thlH season that any remaining lllth Ih, an It were, hermetically sealed. Any report which may be now sont m j admitting tho inability of the eonimlttew to find a stench In the Taruheru river will bo very disappointing to MesHrs. Nelson Bros., who have just recently been summoned under the Public Health Act for CAUSING THE UNDISCOVERED STENCH. As MfiWirn. Nelson Bros, arc very anxloum that the true ciiu.se of the deadly smell Hhould bo ascertained, and, a« they arc also UetUroux of taking any stopa (no matter what tho ocntt) of obviating the «ame should it be nhown that the putrid matter with which tholr work* pollute the stream Js the eauno thoreor. It will be wry disappointing >to thorn that Dr. Valtntino and bin 00lIruffuott HhOtllri . hnvc wrh'ottMJ thiw. iho only lime of the your when ihi« rivor |m anything Hkt; five from Htunch. fur lln*lr visit. Nn doubt M'-Mxr*. NVlston Hn>B. Hlneerfily hoi*? thai ih<> m.'«' (which wiui unfortunately ndjmirnrd at. tho r«W|Uo«t of thoir solicitor) rom<-.M on for hcarlnK before th«* report at th«» above -mimed wnilonuin « l »'l I»Im colU'iijtxurM canwn to hamf." "Truth" <-i»nuoL do tat l or than conclude thJa «f>i*tlo •itt-AbO" jirinters with a quotation from.

the Book of Job, chapter. 10th, verse 13th, which says: "And these things hast thou hid m thine heart: I know j that this is with thee." Just now they might as well search for ice cream m the ovens of Hell. MAMMA'S SPERRIT. A certain township not far from the foot of the Rimutaka is honored by the presence of an individual whose dual duties require him to [keep time with the owl and the lark.' In the night, when all good hearse drivers should be dreaming of the life (or death) to come, our hero rumbles his iron vehicle over the landscape. In the daytime, when all good night men should be asleep and dreaming of gold mines, he carries the occasional cadaver to' its long, last rest. ■ When an early morning funeral is "booked Dick Roberts (which isn't his name) may be seen tearing triumphantly along on the metal chariot, nruch to the detriment of the balmy air and the nerves of the Upper Hutters. Arriving at the yard his good lady (who is the firm's secretary) meets her lord and master with the funeral regalia. The jehu (presumably) washes himself, 'DONS THE EMBLEMS OF WOE, is anointed by his lady with a dose of lavender water, and then, out he sails m gloomy glory. A slight mistake occurred the other day. Dan Mcßingey, of Ebden Grange, lost his mother-in-law and an order for the bone box immediately followed. The same day a note from Dave Mcßingey, of Workmanton, arrived requesting Dick to perform a very necessary sanitary work at his (Dave's) cottage. That night Mrs. Ebden Grange Mcßingey saw a strange light flitting up the avenue and immediately shrieked out that it must be "mama's sperrit." No sort of spirits could daunt the red-nosed Mcßingey, and he boldly faced the intruder. "Who's there?" he rdared. "It's only me— Mr. Roberts," meekly replied the driver. lr What the devil do you want here, 1 damn you?" "Pidh't you request mo to undertake a little job for you?" "Blast you, you filthy savage, I didn't want you at this time of the night." "Woll, I've got my turnout here now and I'm not going to come just when it suits your convenience — my time's too precious for that." Then Mcßingey saw through it. There always had been bad <blood between his girls and the Roberts's, who sans m the same choir. This, then, was a direct insult. "You dirty; stinkin', scavengin' 'ound. Take that!" he roared as he charged on the invader. But iho nocturnal visitor repulsed the attack by bombarding the front of the advancing enemy with half a container of his valuable wares. Then the > HOLY CALM OF THE EVENING AIR was filled with bangs, biffs and blanks until, both* being exhausted, explanations followed. A very necessary visit to the bathroom then took place and Mcßingey offered to salve the wounds of his erstwhile enemy with the contents of a bpttle of liniment labelled "Old Scotch." Dick has threatened to commit murder or divorce if his longhaired secretary makes any more of the Mcßingey sort of mistakes.