THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 252, 23 April 1910, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

i Who cm. undaunted bravo the Critic's raga? Or note tuuxkovedlciß mention intbe<jEitae'3- j&ge? ■ Parade Mb error m tlie public eye? : And Mother Grnndy's rase defy? • i Let doga lie and fools tell 1 , the- truth. ■ In, most cases the man. who never says. "I don't' ''know 1 ?' has the most reason to say so. . t ■ • • • • ■. ■ . i There are no wprkhouses m Servia. (This is probably^ because- there is plenty of work tfierc ■ ■ !••■.. ' ■■ / ' ; The "Wangoiiul Chronicle" recently de* voted a leading article to toe "Romance 6t OiL" It was a very illuminating affair. ' ! . .m ■ ."• .'•...' j The King, we aretoM, can. declare war without reference to Parliament; but he'd have a job if he were left to carry it on on his lonely. • ' •• • From a Duhedin paper: — ' 'Wanted, a cadet for a sheep farm.— Apply by letter to X.Y.Z., "Times" office." Why, tar- , boys must be putting on "dorg" nowa- , days. .■ • • At one time smoking was punishable by death m Turkey. But then, they were Turkish cigarettes, and. it's not everybody who isn't moved to murder when they are being smoked m the vicinity. : ' « • • • Certain Scottish peerages may descend to an elder daughter, it would he amusing, if nothing else, to see about half a dozen women sitting m the House of Lords. Things would be merry with a vengeance. m • 0 ■ : Some scientific bore has reckoned it out that the working power of an ablebodied man is about one-tenth that ot . two horses ; but that doesn't stop certain other people asking men toldo the work of two horses. • • • These statistical cranks ! One recently told us that there are a million and a half turkeys m the United Kingdom. It would have been just- as interesting ii he had told us how many fleas there arc estimated to be on all the dogs m Russia, • m m The first maker of whisky was an-Eng-lish monk, who carried on operations m Ireland. In the circumstances, it's significant that the liquid has more recently become almost entirely a Scottish manufacture, and; less exclusively, / a Scottish article of diet. They're slow but they're canny, and know a good thing when they ' see it. . ;:;' ' '" ■/ : '■' , ",.,' • •'' " ■ • ■••. ■ , Pmnos were invented m the early part of the eighteenth century ; but "Home to our Mountains," ."Tie . Mactiregor's March," .."The Maiden's Prayer,"' "Fartant pour-la Syrie," and one 6r two .other, tunes , were. oot,. indented then, which would rob the piano of half of its terrors when m the bands of the young 1 vand innocent. • -„. ... '"'' '.'..'' .. •" ;■ •', .■' „■•■ •,_ In a cottage hospital m Wales it is laid down that no patient "shall curse or swear, or use any indecent or abusive language . . . without the authority of , the medical officer, and at certain hours." 'Well, that ? s decent. You can't. expect a man to give up all his pleasures merely .because he's got a broken leg. . Besides, a man wants a time set apart so that ;he can unburden his mind regarding the nurses. x . „., ■ '•■'... • ■ ' ■•.■••■•.•'■ A fellow named Grant, who lives at Arrowtown (Otagb) Kas succeeded m raising a pumpkin which weighs 74Hb. Regarding these big pumpkins, ''Critic" [isn't too sure whether they're raised to - uplift, the race by the advancement- of science, or whether the 'growers are only deadly anxious to get their' names m the newspapers. Anyway, the names of the growers' are always given when the monster gourd is written up by the juvenile journalist, who not infrequently also :, throws m a few words about the immense 'industry of the grower and bis up-to-date methods of culture. ■ •■ ■• .». .■• ; : ; • • • On the evening of A?cl 14 Dimediu was visited by a stifl gale from the northeast, which shook things up pretty. hard until about five o'clock next morning,, when the wind veered round to tne> south-west, where they make snow, and' covered the higher hills with snow; As> :the "Evening Star" ■ said, apparently en-- . dsavoriug to record a great occurrence m great language :— ."The icy storm that swirled through the darkness of last; night left more than Mount Oargili's. ■snowrwreathed head to record its passing." On the Isth the local weather man, apparently trying to be cheery, said residents could expect "squally to heavy gale • hail, rain, sleet, snow, and thun- . der." He apparently forgot to put m . lightning. Anyhow, most of the things did, contrary to the usual rule, put m ; an appearance. • • • The people of Brightpn (Otagp), a little r seasidetowinshipy which, like many an- ■ ,other geographical fly-speclc, thinks it is important enough to have a railway run up to if, recently gave a banquet to the Hon. T.. Mackenzie. At this banquet i there was no alcoholic liquor, and the t Hon. Tommy felt called upon to say ttrat i he was addressing "a well-attended gathi ering of happy, well-dressed and con- ■ tented people," which proved that "Pro- [ hilrition haa not wiped out happiness m ; New ..Zealand." Not yet; but Prohibii tion hasn't been going very long, and m s fifty years, if the No-license wowsers » have luck, they will be able to record ■ • the complete annihilation of joy, where- ;'■ at, of course, their jubilation will be un- ■ bounded. As to the gathering being well- ' dressed and appearing happy, "Critic" 5 understands that's' the usral tiling when - people get together to smoodge a 'railway out of a man.

;P According to tlte proverb it's never too Slate to mend, ''but it's a darned sight better to get a new pair of boots and be done with, it. ? . ..« • • 1 A temperance speaker recently said that he had seen no "sensible diminution' 'm ; drinking.- Of course not-rit's impossible. The only thing that would be "sensible" . would 1 be an Increase. •' • '•'•■■ ''■. '/ »■■•-»••;. Of Cumberland's 188 parishes, fort; are without . pubberies- ;• .hut, then,' the gei^iis sly-eroeger can hardly be unknown m England. 'Tis better to have drunk on the sly than never to' have drunk at all. A jfool and his. money are soon parted. Someboiy the other day paid £602 for three silver >pemiies.. The buyer parted soon enough, "but it took something solid to .make the owner of the three pennies part with them. • • a • The .""Wjaikato Independent" recently: waded that the Angora goat industry had not . got a footings m" Ne?w" "Zealand. Well, if the. "lirdepenaeht'' -had ; a .Parliamentary • press gallery representative it migbt m.- . cline to reverse its opinion. • ' '■'■. ' •. » Japanese inns, furnish fresh toothbrushes every morning free to eaah guest. That's nothing. ,^ u Critic" knows a hostelry where the proprietor supplies, gratis, each morning an eye-opener, meaning, thereby, a hair of the dog, which hair is also called a morning caress, a maiden bosom, and a lot of other' nice names'. •{Critic" has received an indignant note 4rom "A Constant ' Keader'' regarding a recent par.' whjch stated that "all the world's a stage, and all the men and women m it mostly supers." He says that, so far a3 his • experience goes, he finds that most of the' men are supers, the women taking most of the "speaking parts." ■■• > • The Wellington City Council has taken m hand the matter of agitating for a new railway station; It's about time ; out" Wellington people v don't Apparently know the tight value of agitation or the. right way to use it. Dunedin people played their cards better and got a railway station winch it will take a hit of bustling to'filL' •'■.•■• The Labor Department recently busied itself m collecting information regarding the cost of living. Somehow or otter, the Department doesn't seem to bother about another costly item— the cost of dying. "Critic's" opinion is that many a poor man would peg bat and make room for a better nian except that he's frightened at the big lot it costs to get buried. •■ •" . .•• • - . ■■ • . Slab of wisdom from the "Patea Press" :— li Tfaeiindi]rcrence, scorn almost, with which most British communities regard a school > committee affords proof that the blessings of democracy penetrate only skin deep." What sort -of feeling does a democratic community generally entertain for a 'municipal council ? The curse of New Zealand is its reverential • ( awe for petty authority. • • ■ •#•■_ ' • An inmate of an English workhouse infirmary recently celebrated his lOOtb, birthday, and it was mentioned that he ■ smoked two ounces of tobacco a week and liked a glass of beer. There is a good suggestion m this information: Why doesn't somebody smoke' four ounces, of tobacco a week and cultivate a liking top: two glasses of beer. A fellow might then be able to live' for two centuries. It's worth trying, anyway. ■'■ •• '• ; ' * •:> • " ' In Balclntha (Otago) 'there is at present' a bit of a building boom, and Several' families have had to go into, lodgings . pending the erection of residences. Tne crush may be caused by 'a crowd of people rushing into the place for the sake of the conveniences for boozing, although, beer is supposed to be barred. .Balclutha is the township where the other day it was shown that a farm laborer had received 65 bottles ot whisky m something under a month. 'fa v vo When people say that hail tile size of pjums fell, other people refiect that it is human nature to exaggerate, but on Tuesday evening of last week glass verandahs iv Colombo-street; Sydenham,. were badly shattered \ .by hail, which remained about the pfeinisesr- for twentyfour hour's. Half a raile distant, m Co- • lomhotstteet, ebristcliurcb.,; : there was no .sign of hail, and the phenomenon is ati tributed variously to providential dis- , 'pleasure with the S.ydenham W.M. Club ; ". locker system, and to Halley's approaching comet.; : ' ; The snake-yafrn isn't dead, and it is • still 'being told about many and various things. For instance : A| Te Efouka (Otago), farmer, rushed into the nearest, newspaper oirice the? other day, and stated that : he had put' six horses m a dou-ble-farrowed plough, but couldn't make any impression on the field he desixed to plough owing to the dryness of the weather caking the ground. It would take a lot of "medical comforts" to enable a fellow to swallow that. Anyway, if ;,the ground is dry, Svhat else is to be expected m a "dry" district ? Yen. Archdeacon Ensor, chin-wagging at the annual meeting of the Phillips town • Church, Ohrisiichurch, referred to the ! eternal "thrummer" as "the shekel of the sanctuary of old," and deplored the »act that they were unable to do wibhout it. ■ It was really a most useful coin, he said, but didn't keep the machinery of the church oiled. When people absented them- ■ selves on wet Sundays they did not i double their contribution afterwards, hut '> gave the same oW ad as of yore ; yet they expected the church to bury then: • when they died. Next day the local pap- • ers announced : "It is the intention ol the Veiu Archdeacon Ensor to visit England nsxt Vi'ar." Which indicates that the Phillipstdwn Church has been having ' a rcrnai'iiable run of fine weather on the Sabbath. I

• Among the Greeks at one-time the wearing of breeches indicated slavery. It still does so among English-speaking, races, although the party with the bxeeks: is allowed to call himself boss. • • :*'..-', What are the wild waves saying? "Critic" don't know- j but he guesses that they've given over saying, "Take; i Beecham'.s Pills/ 1 and have taken to i saying, ct ßlame it on to Powelka!" : Naturalists have laid it down that sponges' belong to the animar kingdom. "Critic" has a couple pi sponges, aad the animal kingdom can go ' hang— he paid for the sponges and he reckons they belong to him. '-■-.' ••• . ' 'They're always behind the times m In-. vercaigiH. The other day an old man: who was dodging along the gutter pick- 1 lag up~ cigarette butts \was such a novel sight that he got a paragraph m one of the local papers. ■•■-;.• • I According to a Wairoa (H. 8.) paper, a squattbic at Kltham arose over the age of a Magistrate. Says the paper m question : "The retiring age was 65, and Mr Greenfield was over Va" In this circum-. 1 stance "Critic" prefers to remain silent. i ' v • * •■■■■' We are told by the informative daily 'press that the Americans are the greatest I meat-eating ' race m the world. But m ! what are' they not .the greatest nation on the airrth ? m modesty. That, of course, is the particular prerogative of Mew Zealanders. j • • •' ' • : ! A country wise-acre of an eklitor declares thai m America' the people run to excess m the divorce line, and m Mew Zealand they run riot m presentations. Yes, the habit has been acquired of heaving Dreadnoughts about as if they were monkey nuts. 4 ■ ••.-'• It is now possible to play chess over ; a distance of thousands of miles *by wirelejss. ■- ..^.-Jlo^'^'OilJtjg'' wants. know why Jbbnaoh' y^d Je&iias can't, get on each side, of the globe and biff each other by wireless. At ony rate, the wowsers wouldn't object then. '. « ■ . • Says a Wairoa paper :— :"tiuite a wan, sickly smile passed round the council table on Friday, when the Hon.* <}. Uarroll's telegram was read expressing a hope that the flood damage would not prove so serious as reported. One councillor remarked that a big cheque would have been the most tangible proof of sympathy." Yes, cash is always consoling. .'. • • • Mtsed metaphor isn't m it with the "Sunterville impress." Recently it came out with the following headings to a Wanrganni wire. :—".A Sad Fatality. Six Arrested at Bremen. Eight Persons Drowned At ■ Wanganui.'* Yes, it is sad. But HunterviUe, you know, does get on one's nerves. • ■ Q' ■■■'■#: A Christchurch Scotchbyterian meesister has given notice to move at ifae nest,i ineettng of the Presbytery -that each congregation should give its minister a moHifcirs holiday each year, and pay for suppiy during his absence.. Some of the Gongtegations would be only too pleased to • give ■ .their pastors a year's holiday : annoally, and would be glad to pay for supply all the time. • •■.»■"■ " o .. ' Those women ! They! re always gettingtheir names m the papers, but a.lfussian actress' who recently died perhaps takes: the hofc cross biin for/ thelen&th of her" .natae, which was KoramissarjelSkixya. An-,-other- woman was responsible for getting another long, word into the papers recently. This was Mss Mary Boyle, an English maiden, who got a degree for a thesis on ''The IdodobenJienemosulpJionic Acids." ■ A : man would expect a B.A. degree .for being able to. spell it and a cash prize fbr half-a-ctown tot being aijle to pronounce it. , • • • . What Chinese wiil put up with to £et•to Australia is shown, by the case of the stowaways discovered on the Mimdsroo. The s6ow&Tways were nofe suspected tto.be: on board wien the vessel left, Singapore, but after leaving Broome, W.A., it was; . noticed -thai; the lid of the lorepeak tank ha-d feeeii remeved. lie chief officer,, on entering the tank, was almost overpowered by the foul air, m w&Soii a light would sot burn. A bucket of boiled rice' and a bucket of rice were noticed, and, m response to a call, four Chinese of a superior class emerged, little the worse? for ttieir confinement. They . refused to ' say how they got there. Mo opium was found. The stowaways were deported by the steamer Gorgon, then at Fort Hedland. And New Zealand ports are open, to Chinese-manned steamers. But, after all, has the Chow any designs on God's .Own Country 1 Perhaps he prefers to leave it to the wowser. • • • The Dunedin "Star" was apparently hard up for news recently, for it de•voted some of its "valuable space" to a couple of letters regarding the nightly howling of a dog m Musselburgh, which .howling appeared greatly to annoy thewriters of the two notes. The writers ask that "something be done." If hews gets much scarcer, the "Star" will lind room for the wails of the unfortunates- . whose yards are used as playgrounds by the frequent and fiery-tempered feline. Another matter of great public interest on which the "Star" recently published a letter, was the presence' of a fierce dog at Caveraham. "Only last week," says this correspondent, "three respectable and well-conducted young men were attackeu by the lion-like animal, and on' Monday evening this very same dog was seen worrying a cat to death." "Respectable and well-conducted' young men" must surely he protected, but it would be a good idea to let the dog have a free hand as regards cats. Anyhow, what's to stop the Cavcrshair killer being set on the Musselburgh moaner, and the two being left to worry one another to death ?