THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 139, 15 February 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

■■ ■ . ■. .." '■■■'■■■-■ .--* : ■■--•—- "-■■ ■ ■ -•■ 'Whpcan.jindannlied bravo the Critic's rage? Or note Qiunpved his mention m the Critic's page? ■ ParadoiliiS'errd'r m the public eial • - And Mother Grundy'B rage defy? Can a parson be a. Christian ? • » • J. C. Williamson's age is given at 63. ■ , . ■» • ■ "Down with drink !" And up with the sale of drugs. The one place wherein a man gets his "hair off" without provocation is the barber's shop. •.• .. . • '•"•.■ •: There is a tied m the .affairs of man, which, taken at the flood, leads on to— the Divorce. Court. « ■ a « !l . ' . ' ' '•■■'-■■' When a girl throws her arms round your neck m a darky street^ always beware of your watch' and chain. - • • ' «.. Wellington sea suburbs are well patronised by local lawyers. What's the attraction ? Is it a fellow feeling with the shark of the deep. At Denver Police Station, m the States, they take photographs of drunkards and show them, the result next •morning. The cure is accomplishing wonders. • .• • ■ *. v. *. A bomb, -placed outside the building, wrecked the frontage of. a bank, m the Italian quarter of New York. The bullion was scattered, but ... the police recovered it. Rather superfluous the last part of the sentence . -j Did . they stick to it •? ma* Harry Thaw fluked clear run af- j ter all. It would have been a case 1 of ' 'striking the double ;had he miss- j ed the asylum. But the judge said "No," and at once ordered him i fioan the weighing yard to the place ] where fools most do congregate. •■.* . ■ • What is wariited m Parliament, say the Flutes, are commercial men. Exactly so. Then the commercialfrauds, ramps., rooks; adulterations, and abominations could go on* un^ checked. They want to rob the peoole politically as well as commercially. ...■': • • • America, the land of spars and skite, has more unemployed m pro- ' portion, to^ its total population than any other country. It is only the. 1 swagger of the Yankee 'millionaires < m Europe that; leads deluded people to imagine it a place flowing with, milk and honey. Bilk and money is^i "the golden rule there. • • • Ranging against gambling before the-; Congregational Uflion the other even-- ! ing, Miinster G-eo, Fowldsi remarked, i against land dabblers and declared 1 that until such gamblers were eradicated fthey were not iikely to haye a j community tirat would be entirely I'free.i'ftom. gambling m oa/ts, or over [cards and races. Oats!. Oats '1/ [Sounds like the wail of a Southland banshee... ■ • •■•' '■*.>;. * ' /• . • According to a local' journal, sharks * are-, at present very plentiful m the vioiiiity of the Otaki beach, which probably accounts for some sixteen of bur i local residents only securing 1 one' fish" between 'them recently. A shark caught recently was of fair dimension; and contained some thirty young ones. Fair dimension is certainly interesting. , Why, that sheshark ought to . have got the King's bounty. ■■■'• ''• ' ■■■•■■■• ■■ '■•■• ■ •■ <.••--... : A correspondent informs us that there is a "rank rotter" employed m tlie Railway Department at WangantrL' Possibly there is. Possibly there's a tank* full of them , : but vague: statements like that are no use to this paper. This is published on the off ; chance : of the saad "rank rotter (if -he exists) seeing it and sending along his name and address, and what he does. in the department, and why he is a "rank rotter.' 1 Poor King Ned ever loved a pretty woman. But what must his feelings be when the brawling suffragettes stop his Royal coach to hand up tbeir petition for a vote, and the un- ' gallant push mobbed the misguided ladies, and tore their coat's, hats, and banners to shreds ? "Critic" holds no brief for the temptuous petticoats, but when the roughs and iarrikins beat women m the public 'streets, it is about time the King of some other gallant male I creature came to the rescue. This brute force business is becoming past a joke. ■f ■ . • . • Charged with being drunk and disorderly at Christcburch, George Wilson said that his horse wouldn't gee and that things were only middling. "Your horse- isn't charged with an ->£fence," said Magistrate Bishop, "but you are." "Oh, well, I suppose one of us is guilty ; you had better put it down . to the prad ; he ;is no use, anyhow." He. went on to say that .Ms horse was all ricpht. ■"Well, your horse isn't accused of being drunk. J't ■ will be a small matter of a quid and <oss or seven days. "Se.en days." he ■ murmured,. ! as if he was going to miss the trots.

Blessed are the poor m spirit, for they are easily fleeced. . ■ ■ . •'.•■'..■ • Scientists haye. discovered a' nOxious microbe m ink." Unfortunately it often gets into print. •'. * - ' •■ Drinking, smoking, and' promiscuous lovetmaking . are called vices, because they, hold thiir votaries so fast. * -..'A 1 .. .«■-.■' » A jockey is dead a great number of times m this world before he puts auy pelf m: the undertaker's pocket. * •' ■• ■'■': ■'■'. v • ■■•■'■ 1•I ■ - The Belgiaii' Premier has asked the Congo Government to open fresh " negotiations regarding the annexation of the Congo Free State to Belgium. tJntil then: the matter "con-go" no further. \. :> ' ■•■• ■■■ ■ •■■ j ■ It is stated that there are 400,000 more unemployed - m the Yewnited States than' 'usual. The land o' liberty, where a, man is at liberty to starve. Plutocracy and starvation side by side. : *■«■■■;'. • • Did you ever he'jir of the Jew that was so ill that a -trained nurse had to be sent for ? When she came she said she would have to take his temperature, but ;tho :. Jew said she couldn't : take a-nything-, as everything was m his wife's name. • * . w Tomwilfordisms : — "I have heard it said that the. best place to hide a stolen article is alongside the police station." "When a woman makes up her mind either about another woman or. something else, nothing m the world will shift her." - • ' .•■■'. ■■ ' * President Roosevelt, m a message to Congress, denounced jkhe methods af the Standard Oil Company and the Atchison line. H'm ! He does the same periodically when the elections come round. Roosevelt's blatant 'humbug will soon fall flat with the Yankees if 'he continues on this lay. • • • A commission reporting on the loss of the collection of Crown Jewels; at; Dublin said that Sir Arthur Vicars did not exercise vigilance. Strange ! Vicars', rectors and other wowsers generally take darned fine care of collections, even to the extent of keeping a wary eye on nimjblefingered churchwardens. ■ ... • • » Abyssinia is governed wisely by the Emppror Mbnelik, who, it is said, can trace his ancestry back to Solomon. Anyhow, m that country the wife is boss, and- if a husbard is a loafer she can biff him out of the home. The great political question there is manhood sufferage, the mere man animal is no class there,. He is, however, useful' to have about the premises. •• • • Why should Bill Plunket cruise round m V the Tutanakei. We call .ourselves a democratic people, and fet we provide free yachting , trips to\a crdwtl who are not -worth as much to the country as so nyany wharf laborers. If the Government wants to waste money on yachting trips why not let some poor unfor^ tunate hospitals convalescents have the benefit ? , • .■'*■' • The "Pahiatua --Herald" is subtle m its methods of damning the wowser's cause. Hark to, the "Herald :— "Last night at tic Church of Christ Mr L V F. Stephens gave an eloquent address on "Man and his relationship to God." The mission will be continued to-night, Wednesday and Friday, and next Sunday will close the work of Mr and Mrs Stephens m Pahiatua. Those of our readers who Bave hot yet heard this gifted preach<er, SHOULD NOT DO SO." They won't. • • ■ '■ ' • ■ . Otaki and Palmerston North papers have been m bolts of late because at a recent tennis tourney at Otaki the P.N.s were not asked if they had a mouth. Several people have been calked liars, others have issued ohallenr ges to duels to.ttee death, but that is beside the question. Why didn't the Otakites ask the P.N.s if they Jiad a mouth. Wtell, the reason, "Critic" is assured, is that the soft ball wallopers from gone4>ung aro noted for their thirsts and Otaki hasn't got a brewery equal to the demand. • « . ■ Elizabeth Victoria Shore, who loved a man-o-war . stoker named Lucas during the absence of her husband m. Peru, and who was convicted at Wellington of making a false declaration respect/ing the birth of the resulting infant, seems to spread the wealth of her affection around m a discriminating manner. She has been living of late with Herbert Edwin Hamilton Bird, employed m the tramway shorts. Newtown who is a widower, 'with three children. When Elizabeth entered the cage of her Bird she took with her numerous possessions, and on tho principle that the man who assists fn carting away such articles is responsible, Bird is being proceed' efl against by T. M. Shore, husband of PH-7flVirvt.iT Cwho is altered to havo been m Peru) on a chartre of stealing a costume worth &* On Wp^nos'Jjiy Mr Von Wo t^t. sinplied'for a remand which was not oppn-sefl t>y **r Js»r»>son an d B| rc i fl ew ou t on a '£20 bail bond.

' There are many ways a girl can slip, but nevfer with such discomfort as on a banana-skin. -....-' .■'• '■■ ''''■."...• • . . • 6 ; Williiaanson's engageirient of the Divine Sara by means of Marconigraph should be a signal success. j • • • 5 Cambridge parsons are humorous spirits. Two ,ol 'em. wiled away the time the other day with "An inter- ,, view with the Devil," the Rev. E. ' Adams and Mir Pearson introducing the "subject." Who filled the chief role is not stated. . ■■ * * ' • • There are young men- who cannot hold a skein of wool for their mo-. t-hers without wincing, but who will ' hold be tWeen eight and nine stone of a neighbouring family for the best part of the evening with a patience' and docility that are certainly phen-omena-1. The difference ! The discoverer of the Victorjan mine Poseidon gets £500. The discoverer of the racehorse Poseidon made 'twice "five. 1 thousand." and is going strong still. One got his bifc for getting under the ground, and the other for getting over the : ground. _ Journalists ought to have fairly easy times m the Polar circle, where the oapers are only issued: once per annum. There are three' or four of ; these. Onei'of them is'-tlie BsUinvo : Bullet m, eaited near Cape Prince of ; W^i.les, on Bearing Straits. CertainlyVthej.p are never any heated discussions .m Parliament, of warm debates. , v ■•■.-.,.'• • • . Elretahuna has a comiplaint. ""An individual whose 'cadging' propensities will' yet land him into serious . trouble, made himself particularly obnoxious to residents on tiro Newman Road" the other day. He called at several houses and practically de~, manded money from unprotected females. Wfaen Ms solicitations met with a refusal he became offensive. At one house he actually pushed his : -way .iiato -the If itchenv after being told to leave. Lucidly for the intruder there were no males about otherwise he might have received his desserts." * • ■ • An elderly, * well-dressed critter named Arthur Horsley has got a three-ply row to hoe at Christchurch. t He apparently has a penchant for ladies and likes to buy them presents now and again >. so it is alleged. What the gent has to face just now is a charge of false pretences. He fancied a lady's dressing-case of , some value which was owned byStewart Dawson and Co., but he got I possession by giving a cheque for £9 10s, and it is said that the document wa<s crook. Horsley got rid of a couple of other cheques for £2 : and £10 respectively, and now fluffs himself man unwholesome hole. In a wael^s time he will have an oppor- ;• tunity of explaining matters. In the ' meantime he is' suffering jug. .-. ■ • ■■ ♦ • . ■ • . , It's only "respectable" boys who ■ steal f.ruit, apparently. - Tbat is the - usual term employed at Court when s the auidacious young fellows are nabbed. Three young St. Albans thieves, who have been playing havoc with people's gardens lately— William Melville, -William Mxiff, and Wil ! ldam , Ogstoh —^have been invading Richard Edward Green's orchard at St. Al-: bans, and as the gentleman is a bit , deaf he can't bear marrauders. He ! 'lias suffered so nwiph that he bad to - ; inform the police and have a marfj secreted m the ; orchard night and* day. Constable idcClinohey managed i to . sheet one charge home to the- ! bright "respectable": involving £2 10s m all and they were convicted and ordered to pay the damage and costs, j ■•• ■ ■ • .- : Otira is some sort of a place m the South Island where, you go an a •coach, and it evidently contains a , ivery spunkless lot. of residents. | \ Some time ago a number c*f Otiraites ; ■decided to hold a picnic on Sunday. ■ f But there, is. a Scotehby'teraan ihdi- ; yidiral there named Pope, and he objects to Sunday picnics (the Scotch i are built that way) So at a meeting of citizens he opposed the proi posal of the Sunday picnic tooth and nail and qiuoted chunks of Scripture I to back up his argument. But the meeting metaphorically told Pope to go to blazes and decided to hold its ; piicnic. But a parson living 40 msles away sent an urgent wire condemning the show, and then some of the weaker spirits backed down and the thing fell through. Now, what sort of coots are they, anyhow, to be dictated to by a blasted parson. And Pope should have been told to mind ; his own business. If there is any parson desirous of spending money m telegrams "Truth" offers him a golden opportunity. The wicked staff of this paper lues itself to a picnic nearly every Sunday, and rolls up on Monday morning sunburned and hanpy flnd with a feeling of goadi fellowship. The smif^jr-busting coots that teach m Sunday-school and sprviif the Word would be tale-teiHns i and back-'tviting and trying to beat each other for their bitlcts Like the sanctimonious suckers and snuffling Ptni^oerers tihat they are. If a man has hn-rct- olMPctions, good luck to "him, , but. Ke simply stays away and holds i his tongue.

l Ohristchurch has fallen from its < high degree. It now boasts a Chinese fruit shop ! - * * » ' A counter attraction— Shop-lifting. t In fact shop-lifting has now become quite a shoplifting affair. * * • The long-sentenced prisoner's song : of liberty— "Oakum ! let us be joy- . ful"— and he goes on picking it. * • m It is stated "that there are now !' sixty thousand students learning music m New Zealand. Oh, Hell ! If some of them learned to sew their brother's pants and darn their old man's sox they would be doing something worthy of a "■darter." - Why was there such an indecent ■ rush this ejection to cet on the Harbor Beard ? Was the spending of •£7,000 a week for sometime to,come--anything to do with the activity ? And the elector never stopped to Worry, long-eared animal that he. is. * . * « The residents of Marshlands ' Christchurch, are up m arms against the system of dumping nightsoil m the vicinity of their holdings. Marshlands is becoming a very populous suburb, and the sooner the Christchurch City Council authorities see about supervising their nightsoil contracts the better. ** . * ■ According to the Auckland\ "Star" . John Hooper, at the recent criminal sittings was charged with s "eezyatere dwrH-brha lcfxzeS, I, ari ami breaking anh entering and theft of a miscellaneous collection of a quantity" of wearing apparel." ' Mr Justice Edwards gave the depraved wretch only twelve months. For such an offence death ought to be the penalty. Still it is a warning to others not to "eezyatere, .etc.'* Why,- it sounds indecent if nothing else. •* m ■ . The Main Trunk Line isn't the only railway line under construction that shrieks to high heaven for better managcanent. The Ngahere-Blfickball line seems , to be a regular ..• . snortejy^ according -to va'riWs^corl'espon^ents/ Married men are supposed to get the preference when hands are being put on, but a willingness to buy beer for certain persons seems to be the real talisman, whether the applicant he married or single, fit or unfit. A tittle enquiry from the right quarter might not do any harm m that particular locality. * • • A hardy son of toil humping a swag, and perhaps not looking, altogether a Rothschild, arrived at Wai-. , pawa the other day and made for the nearest pub to put up. They promptly told him they had no room. He tried the next pub. The same tale. He subsequently found that there was plenty of room, but because he car&e& a swag they didn't want him. There" is too much of this sort of thing m New Zealand. The backblock publican doesn't give a damn for' the travelling public unless the travelling public can spend silver galore. ' It isn't altogether the publican's fault. He is forced to pay a thundering price for the lease of his hotel," and has * got to get it bac^c - somewhere. It is the damned silly Licensing laws that are to be blamed for allowing monopolies m th'e selling of drink. ■ ■• ' • •There is a class, of person m this town— and every other town for the matter, of that — who wants lacking. : He. is the well-dressed person, the person m a good position! the per■i son whom people don't offend because he is supposed to be respectable. The person who thinks he's a gentleman, but who gets drunk m private bar^ ami insults people and relies upon his- name,- or his friends, or his dog, or something, to keep him out of trouble. He uses vile language m .front of the barmaids and thinks they shouldn't resent- it -because he impends freely. There are plenty of this particular land of coot about, and they are no class; In fact they are just educated hoodlums, and should be tied up at night and their drink -restricted to one lager shandy m two days, and run m for obscene language if they say anything worse than "dash." * • • . Some of these Scotchbyterian parsons are hot. An old woman down South the other day tried to commit suicide. She is 60 years of age and had been driven a bit dotty with influenza. She is reputed to be the most- decent and charitable old soul that ever breathed, and if. she cannot get through the pearlie gates there are mighty few on this earth that have a chance. Her friends looked after hsr and she was making a rapid 'recovery. Everyone cheered her up and made no allusion to the act she had committed whilst m a semidelirious state. But along came a Presbyterian parson, and he must needs dwell upon the awfulncss of her crime, and din hell into her ears and paint lurid pictures of her Maker's wrath, and wanted to know what chance she thought she had of keeping out of the burning pit, anyhow. Of course, the • poor old thing was very upset, and her recovery retarded for wee^s m consequence. Mouthing meddlers of tins class want kicking from Kaiwarra till after lunch, and its a pity someone wouldn't do it. -