THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 12, 16 November 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted b^ve.Jiho Critic's rage? Or noteunmoved his mention m the Orftib'a page? Parade bis error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

Parsons live to a green old age and live on the people all the time. *'/.;.• .-•*■' * - This paper wants -"'" to know why Ohiro should he pronounced Ohairo. . ■ ■ ■"-.'' * "Coriaeandaveadrink" is generally the right/word at "the right minute. The young , Maorilander isn't cut out for the bushiranging industry. He should stick to football. - * ■ » * . The population of the British Empire consists of 54 millions of white and 346 millions. of colored, peoples. Good old Britishers ? . * ; ■ '■■_*•-■', ■ Wellington is supposed to be sheltering a Hokitika business man, who left no address with local tradespeople, whose goods . he purchased on tick and' subsequently disposed of. * ' - »" t * Wairarapa ,i,"Daily Times' ' created a record for King' Tummy VII-up by declaring "To-morrow, King Edward will attain the sixty-sixth year of his reign, having been born at Buckingham Palace on November 9, 1841." * ' '■*■■. " There are some lively ruffians knocking, about Christchurch just now. At one o'clock t'other morning a citizen who set out for a doctor •was suddenly assailed by one of these •brutes, but- as he had a dirty left and the other fellow had a chin, the shooting match- was all over m one hit.' * •■•»-■■' ' ■ King Edward rules over more Mohammedans than- the Sultan of Turkey, over more Hebrews than there are in' Palestine, and over more negroes than any Sovereign of Africa. Three more cheers for- a White New Zealand. ' We want it. In Ned's Dominions the White is small fry. » . ,-. * » At an inquest on a newly-horn child at Southampton (England) re. cently, the medical evidence showed that it was born without a brain. The Coroner said he* had never heard of such a case before. Perhaps he had not, but if he was m New Zealand for any length of time and knew of some of our councillors and legislators, he might wonder how* on earth they .got on at all. * • ■ •< "Fine Weather at Carterton," or something to that effect, was the placard stuck up. in a Wellington hookmaker's shop on Monday last. Is this a book-makers point, or what ? Considering that at Carterton the rain never ceased all day, and the intimation of fine weather was sufficient inducement to puaters to put m their gold, and silver on the gjood things, it looks very much as if that money was obtained by false pretences. Some book-makers stop at nothing dirty. A Kumara kid with sunset hair cried copiously m the school ground recently because the other little savages called her "carrots." The school teacher • consoled the youngster by remarking thas xall of the .noted women m history had ginger hair, and no female without a scarlet mop had ever' been really great. That juvenile now looks down upon, her fellows with scorn, and is the envy and admiration of the girls who were not endowed by nature with magenta locks. . ■ '*■'.. * • ' *- A Christohurch paper actually prints this from a correspondent, under, the headinfg of "Neglected Wives" :—" What I have to say to neglected wives is to assert themselves. If you are neglected, make the best of your opportunities and enjoy yourselves ; remember that you haven't married the only man on earth. There are others who are quite as good, if not 'better, tham the one you are tied to for life." Hot ! A hint td a married woman to go out canoodling with some other bloke. * -. •.■♦.• . »• Beer and company' are sometimes responsible for youthful lapses from honesty. Francis James Cox, a young man m the employ of a farmer gamed James. Rbxburg, of Little River, was sent to. town on the 18th of last month to sell some cattle, and' spent ' portion of the proceeds (£3 15s) on boozeroo m good oompany. He was ashamed to go back to his boss and mention the matter, and cleared North. He obtained employment with Arthur Pearce, who. is Mayor of Karori, and a builder m his spare time, and he wrotev.to Roxburg offering to pay back his purloined cash as soon as circumstances would permit. He was lagged by the police, however, and as Pearce offered to pay Roxburg his lamented money, Magistrate Kiddelli vrho gives a first offender a chance whenever possible, convicted the youth, *^ho is red-headed, and ordered him to come up for sent bence when called upon. *

Adam was lucky. He never had to explain the presence of a hair on his coat. * ■■' '■•»■' * , Women should never judge a man by what he says about his past. He might be boasting. **• . ' Who paints the lily ? inquires' a rhetorical writer m an art journal. Frankly, we do uot know, although we have been acquainted with some lillies who painted themselves. »*' * • "It's hard,"< said the sentimental landlady at the dinner-table, "to think that this poor little lamb should be destroyed m its youth just to cater to our appetites." "Yes," replied the smart boarder, struggling With his .portion, "it is tough. ' * * •*■ The defendant m a civil case at Wellington died between adjournments and on. Tuesday last the intelligence flabbergasted the parties concerned who obtained another adjournment until they thought things over. The difficulty of serving defendant with notice of the adjournment was discussed by the parties. . * ■ - * ■« With becoming pride a Taihape paper^ mentions- the fact that "there were no. cases set .down for hearing at +.i->r> Police Court this morning. Not even a solitary drunk has graced the awful ; precincts of the Taihape Courthouse for over a week past, and this despite exceptionally hot weather." But when Taihape does get a drunk its worth a column to the A " v -" papers there. When -they do they do get drunk m Taihape i\ * * * Two drunks m succession asked for leniency at Wellington Magistrate's Court on Tuesday, and offered to take out prohibition orders against themselves. Both .probably looked forward to their discharge from custody without; a penalty, and were crushed by a fine o! 10s, or 48 hours', m addition to the; issue of the prohibition orders. They would have got that penalty without the order, and it looks like adding insult to injury. *■ • * People who wear celluloid collars j are subject to all sorts of criticism, j particularly, too, on the subject of ! Washing hills. Anyhow, celluloid) collar wearers should be careful with matches and pipes and cigarettes, and fire generally. Up at Masterton the other day a mah while reclining and indulging m a cigarette j found himself nearer hell than he had: ever been before. A spark from his smoke ignited his -collar, and m a second his neck-wear was one big flame. Happily, no serious results have to , be Still, there's a warning m it. .*■ • • The parson m New Zealand is forever howling about empty pews and wonders why the church is losing whoever attraction it had for the masses. A New York sky-pilot, how- j ever,- is getting over the difficulty, as he recently announced that a soda-fountain would be placed m the lobby of his church, and that refreshing drinks would be served to the people m the pews. Here's a chance then for J. J. North and the ranting rabble. Why not serve up j soda, and something m it too, at service. Gee whiz, but how the collections would go up with a, bound, i j Christina Margaret Whyte, a Grey- j town girl who has seen eighteen ! summers only, bumped up against her most serious winter to date, when she got into the, grip of the law. She used to be m the employ of Tullv Brothfcrs, up Wairarapa . way, and when she saw "Tully Bros." typewritten on a blank cheque which she extracted from her employers' book she thought it was as good as a signature, and she put £3 ids m figures on it. A Wellington shopkeeper named Mrs Jessie Packer also thought the typewriting was equivalent to a signature and cashed the incriminating document after supplying the girl with a few things. The police took a lenient view of the affair m the light of the girl's youth and inexperience, and Magistrate Riddell convicted and discharged the damsel m consideration of the fact that her present employer will not sack her. * * • On Monday the" Telegraph Department gave a number of youths who act as distributors and riiessengers, a free trip to Masterton m honor of King Ned's approaching old age. "Truth" doesn't know how the young savages behaved on the way up, but on the return journey ,„ they made existence a hell for passengers !in the same carriage during the ; whole of the weary journey from j Masterton. Several of the hobblede- • hoys smelt a beer cork m Masterton : and imagined they were drunk, and the entire journey south was a sustained programme of hideous noise and horseplay. "Smutty" parodies on topical songs occupied a considerable portion of the journey, and gambling for coppers was the favorite amusement m the lucid moments. If these excursions are to be repeated, the Department should protect ordinary travellers by furnishing special sheep trucks for the brainless ikids.

A, Dunedin Chow named Lee recently soaked four boxes of matches m water and drank the concoction. Result, phosphorous • poisoning. Though a had case, he is expected to recover. That's the ' unfortunate part of it. Why. not let him die? He wanted to. • * * •• '•'I ."would like to visit Nelson," remarked the unsophisticated girl from Timaru, "hut I wouldn't like to stay there. There are no men there— that is to say— er— " ('breaks down m confusion). They say there are three girls ;to every trousered person m Sleepy Hollow, but it's a libel. * . ■■'• * What; is the Education Department doing ? A school-teacher br something of that sort puts m his spare time assisting m a well-known. Wellington bobk-makerjs establishment: If nothing else, he is doing another man out of a job, and the Department ought to get down on him if it ; can find out who he is. It's a steak to gravy they don't tumble though. ** * ' Large eels are being caught m the Manawatu, and eels have a fondness for the delicate trout, and the latter is having a had time, m fact, worse than if poisoned by millers' sawdust. The Acclimatisation Board ought to do something for the sake of the trout and the tourist. Those eels want skinning badly, and the asinine Board ought to do something, no matter how silly it be. . * * * Some pig-keepers at Wanganui last week were fined for having fed their swine with raw meat. A pig's a cannibal, and those who eat cannibal pig deserve to be called the same. ;Anyhow, the practice of feeding swine on ( raw meat is a. heavy one, and severe .fines ought to be inflicted m ■every ease." The "backbone," be he pig,' dairy or'any other sort of farmer, wants a lesson taught him now and again. * * • The intensely respectable townlet of Milton was recently shocked and eagerly % interested m a visit from two ladies of easy virtue, who were accompanied by a bludger. The prying eyes of the good marked the restingrplace- of the wicked trio, and made things so hot for them that they had to change their' residence With frequency and rapidity, while a sharp watch was kept upon the impressionable young men of the district. The enthusiastic correspondent of a. local paper says their places of abode were many and m queer old shanties, and they moved so quickly around that the limb of the law had been unable to locate them. A raid by Constable Mcßaef, upon their last known home, romantically situated on the banks of the Tokomairiro river, a couple of miles from Milton, was fruitless, the birds having flown, and Milton, whose virtue had thus been tried m the fire and found all there, breathed freely, and piously again. ...*.. . .-..». -■ • What up-to-date journalism we have, m Wellington. Last Friday "The Po.st," and on Saturday "The Times" ahd. "Dominion" published, the resuit, of. the New Zealand ,v. KeighleyY football match, which- was played on the .previous Tuesday. The same result, had, however, been . published last. Wednesday m numerous country newspapers. Splendid cable service the.. Press. Association, we don't think. -On Thursday, too, the "Dominion" came to light with what it no- doubt regarded as a scoop m the shape of- a prisoner's confession re coining- m the Mt. Cook prison works. -The "Dominion," of course, : being a new paper, is perhaps pardonable.- "Truth" gave the information to the world- regarding) the coining and the dismissal of Warder' Nelson . more than six months ago. How the information leaked out, the gaol- authorities don't know, and won't know. A.nyhow, ' they tried to keep it dark, but failed: Journalism, anyhow, can't be much' up-to-date m Wellington, splendid and well-organ-ised staffs notwithstanding, when a year-old sensation has to be dished up.. -•■*■ • • • - What "the devil is at the bottom of all' these .German scandals? All sorts of nauseating charges have bee'ii made against the clique that have clung round the sore-eared Kaiser" Bill. The Von Moltkes and the Von" Bulows and the Prince Eulenbergs seem to be having a. wretched time of it, and it all . means that the German press will .have greater liberty . than ever m future. What i with' German editor . . Herr Harden i being triumphantly acquitted of cri- ! minal libel, and another G-erman journalist named Brand launching out at Von Bulow things are only middling. Brand got 18 months, however, for his little lot, ' and all sorts of* aspersions and charges were made. -There has been lots of filth thrown' about, and Prince Eulenberg seems "to have the nastiest of the whole crowd Eulenfoerf*, however, to clear himself, has indignantly denied'the' dirty charges" 'md.de against him,* afrd emphatically' gives the lie direct that he was behind Brand. Which miff-lit be correct or otherwise, but" 'as "Critic" says, it's' hard to get at the bottom of things j_;euet<ftlly.