THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 95, 13 April 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

. Who can nn^atmted brave the Critic's rage ? Ornoteuiimovedlii9to"entlonintheCritic'Bp»ge? Parade his error m the flbblic eye ? ' And Mother artwdyls rage defy? Uneasy lies'-, the head that wears a frown. A hand-to-mouth existenpe— the beer bummer's. , :• , iAdvt. in -recent ''Post, "Wanted a, ; ; lady (f or cash ; apply y^ etc ' ? Did $hey expect to get one for love? • '' .. •■' -'.•■ '' ■ The Canterbury No-licence Council has a whole fo\ir jqiuijd and sevenpence to its credit— not enough for a good spirituous Mck-up. Said that Hon.- George Fowlds has no time for vprie exhibit at the GreaVShow. The^sweated indiistries stall and Auckland's 'ope don't agree. Wonder why? ♦ ■ * • "Critic'! hastens to re-assure an agita/ted public that the rumpr that Manager Muinro: ! is to be recommended to King ' Ted for a Knigjhthpod, m recognition of his "ger-reat" services to the colony, has absolutisfy no foundation 'm A fact. * ■ ■ '■?•' * ' !A' house , was 'sold m Christchurch for somethimj; under a tenner, but js had been 'condeimied by the Health. 'Qißcer. Uinfo-ftuuia'tiKly,.. nwamy of these condemned "hoiuses are cajrted to the suburbs and re-occupied. ;This s-hoxild be permanently stopped. * * • The Christchurch saint, cancer-cur-Jng Stanton, ' preached' last Sunday on "Christ and the Crucifixion 1" Stanton^s •prototype, Worth-' ingtpn, came out of (|uod a day or two ago, aiid 'it would surprise no one if he blew into Chrislchurch- again, and started m opposition to Stanton m the old' pitch. ■ • -■* ■ •.• . • Missionary \ enterprise was the theme of a Ohristohiurch pulpiteer I when address-ing some junior pulpiteers lately. He said that at the [Islands "a missionary might be killed, coc-'k-ecl and eaten, m a moment." Quite right. The nigger foregoes soup and- entrees when missionary is on the tabio.

A cold is easier ,to catch than money as it flies. .■-''•'■.'''•• . ■ • May the road to Hell grow green for- want of "traffic. -•• . • . Who writes the unwritten laws of a. country, anyhow ? ' • • • • Re employonent for women. A, Ohristchurch bit of muslin makes a living txavelliino' rdund securing orders for a chimney sweep. « «.■■•.«. The undertakers business has been looking up m Christciiuroli lately, and it is expepted that trade will impxove and expand as winter' advances. , Quotations remain firm v • '\ • * • A stuttering Johnnie, ohaxged at Ohristchuroh with smolcioig m theJSx-r Mbition building, pleaded, .that he . -saw ho ''attractions' 1 'round the walls stating that siaolqng. was pro- i M'M ted. He meant notincations. j M. Malaquin, who judges the wiries and spirits at the ZSnshun, had to samDle 400 bottles. Gee whdz! Yet J he never swallowed a mouthful, but ate a good many apples " and bits of i cheese to take the taste away before/ j starting on other sampjing-s.; : j *■ ' * * ! Oliristchurch Zibishan was closed on hob cross bun day, and the au'ttiorities lost many ducats m conseiqaienoe. Mobs of people who crowded into the city on the nipht previous, and pn the fallowing mprniog, mpurned; mournfully atH'hip closure, and most of 'em sjpent the day- gazing at shop shytters and ' prospect jng for; a drindc, • *■"' :■ ■■• '. ■ ■• -. ' '■■■ The next move of the Prohib. par.•ty Will be 'tp rave for ihis six O'Clptjk closing pf hptels. This was ipres'hadowed at OhrfistcUiirph last w.eek by lawyer Plesher, at the' No- . license Cpycil gatbering, aiid by Hax- , ry EU S M.H.R. } at a , Qood Templar ; shiypQ, They h^,ye g,Jrejady carried 11 to 10 p.m., and noy? the greedy .crowd want another fpur hours ofi. ffhe trade will. have ; tp take care of itself. ' . •i * . •' , The grog curse hit a Chri&tchurch man, Walter Stevens, so' hard t'other day that he got m a frightlfully . ba.d plight. Stevens was picked up m M^nchesteir Street m a f state of helpless intoyication. He couldn't walk, nor could he dp so next day, when he was sober. He shook like an earthquake, and the oourt seemed to vibrate when he stood m dock. His nerves were let pn contract to the gaol surgeon for repair. • • « , The principal business done at conferences and cpnventipns, and out- 1 door shivoos, and union meetings, and blue rubbon gatherings heid at Christchurch lately seeiris to' have bee.n the taking of group phptographs. Tttb pnptograph to-day is mightier than the tongue. has seen about half-a-dozen of these enlarged pictures, arid will offer <a threepenny beer and a hot bath to the first person to can pick put a .man with a pleasant expression m ■the whole darned shooting match. ...?.•' ; * ■ • Pity Mapriland wonien don't catch the silence club, craze, which is getting itself newspapered at Home. The f undamen«tal idea m regard to the Silence Club, is that the voice, like Other parts of the .body, requires rest, and , . given rest, will £row sweet and melodious as any cooing, doves. Brevity and simplicity of conversation are ainied at. members never gush ; never pay foolish compliments' ; never talk against time, or use words wnen a smile will do ; and they nevet, never avgue. Hooray ! • « • Coastal papers are narrating how Governor Billy Lee Plunket held a baby fo>r a common woman while she ascended a cpach, and how she blushed when she heard him dubped His Ex' cellency. Now, why should, she have blushed ; should she have laid the kid on the ground and have asked the first passer-by tp sling it up to her? And what is the matter with Billy Lee holding a youngster for a common woman? Has he never held his own ? Is he different to any other man so far as women, or his own sex, are concerned ? What kind of a josser do th^se West Coast papers expect a Governor to be— a god m gold and pprdain, or what ? » * » There was an usually large number of drunks at the last Riccarton races, and plenty of light-fingered and see that no 'barm befell them, and see that no harm befel them. A bloke named Burgess, whose front name is JVlSses, was noticed tp be very asoidubus m his attentions to a boozed backer. So much go that the police took a hand, and "booted him off the course. When he got to' the turnstile Mbtheth completely boiled ovet, and -used an ultra special brand of Obscene- language. He evidently wasn't content with being run out ; he must be run m. In addition to his losses at the races, and the loss of his asset, the drunk|en man, the was asked by the beak ito pay £3 for hit tongue exercise, or go up for a month. '

Tea is a capital substitute for— • water. ,

''■'-■•A' woman's marriage lines often mean particularly hard lines. . ■ - ■ '■:■».■ * . •

Do the wowsers go to their conventicles to take part m the hymns, or join m with the "hers" ?

A Oh'ristchurch Salvationist was bitten by a hungry dOR last week. The animal is recovering slowly, however.

It is not , true that the U.S,S. are going to present the Government with a first-class cruiser as a small token of their appreciation of the Exhibition.

The reason why so few men are applying for » peeler's uniform these days is that the pay is too poor for men of education. And Parliament;, last session refused to increase

It's 'high time the railway authorities realised that the public are sick of '■' v iravell'iHK m dirty cattle trucks On holidays. More Government workshops should be established or the present ones enlarged m order to manufacture the carriages required.

Down at Ohrd-stciiurbh a Northerner who was concerned m a case of attempted robbery was asked where he kept his money about his person. He declined to say; he ha'tL a secret plape^ and he didn't want it publishled. in v the papers. Perhaps he stows it m his boots.

There is a grade m clothes as well as m men on tlie railways, and it is very evident that clothes make the man! First-class stationifiasters' suits cost £3 8s 9d, arid third-class .sitaiionmasters' £2 9s 6d; And generally the tliird-class maa is as good as the first.

A coljarless cuss named Murphy struck a new amusement on the Riccartbn Road (Christchurch) on Easter Monday. /He stood opposite the Bush Inn, and pulled unsuspicious ladies off their bikes as they passed by, calling them opproHous names. He vi»as biffed for a quid, or seven days , for toeing "disorderly . ' '

The Registrar and the parson, and the trine-payment furniture man, and the grabbing landlord with a house to rent, had a fair inn-ings at Ohristojitirch during the month of March, 'flhiere were 111 marriages. Three ■ones appropriately represent the ■united pair, and the future occupant ■of the cradle.

CHRISTCHURCHIAN'S COLLO-

QUY. A few more days shall roll, A few more mugs be done ; Then something,., left us to extoll,

At the Ex-hi-bi-tion. •But, oh ! make haste and come, Thou welcome final day, For I am penniless— dead stiff— Through Munro's Pay ! Pay ! ! Pay t ! !

When the Jane Seddon called to take off some visitors on one of the Jap worship® -the other day, the captain was informed by the leader of said visitors that .they were a select party, and that he could land his ether passengers first. What niflh-class snobs some of our Wellington aristocracy are to be sure. Now who m all Wellington. stands so hi'gSh that they couldn't travel acrdss the harbor m company with common people ? > ■'

One jotoer has written to tbs Press sugges'biion a fitting fmale to the '■ Greatest Show on earth. His idea is that all the school children should be assembled m the grduMs on the closing day and sing ''Now, thank we all our/ G-0-d !" And if a parson could le rung m to offer up a prayer such as, ''From, all such perils and danpers suioh as Munro, good Lord deliver us!" quite a number of spectators would roar "Amen !';' at the top of their voices.

A Ohristchurch carter named Frank Carter is a very cool customer. He is the first driver m the city who has treated a motorman and tram conductah with unutterable contempt. •Groins out to Sydenham t'other evening he drove his vehicle along the tramline, despite the fact that there was a car immediately behind him. They rang the bell and yelled at Carter, but he took not the slightest notice, and the car v had perforce to meander along at a funeral pace for quite a hundred yards. When he did dei.cn to leave the line the motor'man "nasserl a few remarks, arid Carter is alleged to have sworn something fearfui m response. .Had the car hit his shanderdan the line would have been clear m double quick time. Carter didn't even appear a^ court. As it was the first time a tram had been held up m this fashion, the culprit was convicted and discharged,: but he was fined a quid for driving without lights.

The devil's whisper : Suspicion. The publican's , prayer : Preserve bur pubs.. : • • .• j vMost men are liars : though* some are clumsier than others. »« • • Don't let us think ! It we did, tfoelre would soon be an end to Society. ■■• • • . Paregoric contains 45 per cent, of alcohol. That's the stuff to lay m for Sundays ! . : ♦■ # • Trout was the name r of a drunk, that appeared before the Beak during the week. He was not of the fresh water variety either. . ' • • '• Exasperated subscriber, "IS there a blithering idiot at the end of this line?" Wellington Telephone Girl : C( Not at THIS end, sonny!" ••. ■ • The man who persists m telling us of the sure results of close and continued application, says, .m effect. : "Consider the porous plaster how she draws !" ,■■ • • i . • In the American Federation of Labor, numbering 2,000,000 members, nearly every man is a Socialist, pleading that Tradte Unionism, is but a makeshift, or a , sort of half-way; house. 9 '.''.,. • •;..'« There was once a named O'Flynn, Whose figure was terribly thin, And when she essayed To imbibe lemonade- . She slipped ttadugli tyie straw and fell m. , X - • ■ ■ : * '\ ''. -■■ * : If the nations of Europe keep on increasing the size of the battleships at the present rate, they vrill require to increase the sjize of the ocean to make room for them'- m which to ! manoeuvre and navigate. 'A London paper has discovered a journalist who, ■• having lost both his arms, writes articles with his teeth. This is nothing new. "Critic" knows several journalists who do a good deal more work with their mouths than with -their pens. • ■ • . . • Japan has discovered an invisible torpedo', which will be fired by wireless electricty. The enemy struck by one of these will never know exactly what happened. 'If war becomes much more scientific, it will be • a game for professors m the chemical laboratories, played something like long distance chess, or later-day prize-fighting, which is mostly at long ran^e— through jthe columns of the newspapers. • a • ' , John Burns went to have a feed with King Edward VII. , and a lot of other blue bloods, at Windsor, quite recently, and John, the Lord ChanceP lor, anid Harcourt were asked to stay, tihe might. Tfoely did. John dossed m Edward 111. Tower, was up and about early, and the padded mummies took fits when they saw the sturdy Labor man strolling through the terraces, taking stock of royalty's collections of costly curios. ** * ■ There passed away at the Nelson Hospital recently a horse trainer well-known m various parts of New Zealand, and more particularly on the West Coast of • this island. Walter Hugh Fergus, better known as "Wattie," who, was 52 years oi age at the time of his death, was m his younger days a■■ very fair horseman, and a capable trainer, and' during his career ow.ned a , few decent performers, 1 including Cheoue (by Cocksure), Sea Breeze, Millstream, etc. • • • Said Hogan : "Be jabers it's funny ! As I said when I ate a bun . We have specs on our apples and praties, And now we have spots on the sun. ' 'Tis the same V causes droughts, floods and earthquakes, Sure it's time I went out wid my gun : I've often knocked spots oft a Peeler Now I'm "oing to knock spots oft the sun." • • .• • • ' Thero was such a crush of people, at ChristchuTch this Easter that accommodation was hard to secure, and nifi-ny people trammed the streets all night, and fraternised, with the policeman, and the hot pie man, and the derelicts who have to camp out whether they like it or not. The pubs were full, and men slept inside rooms and passages, on tables and m fire-places. Vacant spaces up the chimney weren't so attractive, and didn't command attention. Next morning evervbodv wanted breakfast at once, and chefs almost choked with fury. The tofts and other nuisances who slept standing up m the streets called m early and paid for a. wash, &nd a whisky. and a boot polish, and also demanded breakfast, amrt everything m every pub was eaten rksrht out, and the hotel "buAl ptro was obliged to go without Ms rations. i