THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 56, 14 July 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

• Who tsan undaunted brave the > Critic's rago ? - Or note inmoved hismention m the Critic's page? 'Parade ifiis error m the public eye ? . And Mother Grundy 's rage defy?

; £&$ y ', to snare—the gulls who own a u:Vote# : -. ' ■■■'-.' ; •.'■'.■■ ' '; ■.; ; }> : :i~' : ;;?r '■>■ - '-■ *■■ ' : : A? great ■ measure—an overflowing peyter pot. • • ,' : ,- ■ ■* ■, * * '• You can tell a punter -"by,- ;fche bookn/akers he keeps. - '/ .. ''•■■ ■■ ; •• .■ ■. '.-*. ./The vice of to-day, may he the virtue of to-morrow. , I „,..'.;. , - .-. f Most, repentances are made on mar-riage-beds and death-beds. '■*, * - * It is as easy to be good as, to ibe bad— but, look at the fun* you miss. ' '*»/'■■'■' * ■* Good name for a parson—"Shepherd." He generally shears the silly. sheep. ■ . • ■ *i _ • ■ • The baker sells the "staff of life," but Bung dispenses the "juice of life." • • • ■ Riches may take unto themselves wings and fly away, but they never fly our way. » . . ■ • ■ ■ • ■ ' > ■ It is the Beef Bust of America at the present moment. Trust is deadbad beef killed him. • • '. * ' ■ ' . The modern craze— politics— doulifc less accounts for some of our, present day crazy politicians. .', * ' '.""■ ■*' ■ ■""■■'■■ '•?'■' .■■ ■ ■ Who overcomes by force, '. Hath overcome ■• but - half his foe. • —Milton. • ■ ' ; :'■* ■ ■.'■':. ■■'*'■ * •• ! A politician'a. views' are like thoi» of a kaleidoscope— they change ' so quickly^ Case of eternal revolution. If all the dogs that infest the streets of Wellington Were engaged m a fight f what an, Armeggedon it would ■be. ■■'■."■ ■. .-;;•■■ ■■.■■' • '■ • ■ . • Woman makes all the trouble m life. But there's a compensatjion. It's woman who makes life worth all the trouble. • : ■•"-?. .' ♦■ :■. ••- .■■■ . With the sale of the last of the Waimea Plains Estate, the once famous New Zealand Agricultural Co.' goes out of existence. . ■■-,:. , If the .Chinese do keep- away from" the Ohristchurch Exhibition, it will be so much the better for the- Christchurch Exhibition. ' ■ ■' • p >■ . ■ > ■.: •,.'.>.■ "Geese are the easiest poultry to rear," says a country exchange. That? is why the crop of quacking politicians and pulpiteers is so prolific: : ; '• - •■• -V •' '': .■• ''^V. 1 - ' ' Carl Sohicker ;was brought tieforethe Magistrate at -Eltham; remanded,' and- released, on bail. Now^, what caused SchickerJs aUeged offeni?e,.. shioken?, ■■■' • ■ \:W-''--. From an obituary m a country paper :— "ln spite of all that jnedical science and laying hands could d.o, the deceased died .without a strugde." ■ . ' :•:■'.■;:;•; '■-/—,, "• • m w; . ■- ■;■■ '"* . : -\ Country papers arti 'taking, vp t "Truth's" Crusade against the. pearifle m the hands of boys, and the flaming idiot who ''didn^t kjnow it was loaded/ 1 - ' " ; • /' m f ■_ '■*•■■ ■'■■.- ■■ i The still %*£-*-& 'pays to advertise thfeir fluackery;;in the" Dunedin papers. And these Otago folk think they are particularly! sane, and "canny, 1 ? with it. , ■> ' .■•■;■■'■. •"■ ' ' * ■ 'Jingo 'Joe Chamberlain has "been., junketted m rare style at B'ham., dur-/ ing the week. B'ham is about the on-' ly city m the Empire which- -still, takes the Wrecker seriously. • / t •' « ' / | Judkins? "Review" prints portraitsithis month of "Judkins, Wv'/T. Stead, and the late R. J. Seddon,'' m that order. The "front 1 ' orisese temperance and relifitfous cranks f | I • . • ;•. i\ y Some of the "free-fopdeirs" of/Chicago have been fined £3,000 .'each. Two brokers have been fined, n <i sent to gaol. ' * ; >;i .■ i »'Tne mills of God grind slowly,' But they grind exceeding sjaalU' The Rugby Union has suspended a third-grade player till the end of- 1913 season for deliberately kicking a s player who was lying on the ball. Why not have suspended him from the nearest sour apple, tree ? .# . ♦ • * THE YOUNG- MAN OP ALGERIA-, There was a y<>ung man of Algeria;, Whose- morals were rather infer-ifcf-v He wanted a maid, ! • , '\ '■ I Hut she f?o.id, "I'm afraid' i ;■; ■Xoy.i: objeyt is purely- ulterldijJS' l

The miserable 'politicians., of the Cpmmpnwealth crawl into ilof iCe upw ■that Seddon is d^id;. A person might notice an ant-hill .. after ; a mpiiiir tain that stood: alongside it had been suddenly ,'%itept avr%.— Svdnefy -.•'Truth. " ' ••■'' -:7 : :, y \\ : ' .•;•' V' 7t;'.' '•.■'■' ■■'■.'■•''.■ ''.■.•' ''i \w '". ■ ;7'.. THE YOUNG ; MAN OF^bSCOW;.;-; ■There was a VPlung man of Mpscb^r,i • ■ .Who said, ','l' will -strike a strdng ■'■■■ blow!" :>■ " ...,. : /('7 7 '%7 He threw a'MiUf bom.pv „ '„ "Vyith the gr^iatest aplomb, At a policeman— He's hbw down ~. be- '"' low !.'.'...' ■ '--A „' ' ■;■-. '■.■s.. The idipt who will 'fool with the >wild beasts, from elephants- tp alligators, was on duty 'outside Bp'stpck. and Wpmbwell^ N lepp.ard cage,' at, Waihi, last week, and got his 7 arm terribly torn by one of the prispned cats. Wonderful, how often these chumps will come up to-' the "scratch !" : ; • . ■ V . # / .•'■:'■.• "'•'■ ' Apropos of the insurance , swindles m America, sbntcone writes :-r ' "There was a younc lad of the Bosphorus, v . Whp set light to i,he city with phosphorus ; Sasd he, 'It's such tun, . And when the ipb's done, -■■•■••• The insurance will maikc up the Ipst/ to us.' " '/■■ ' • ' '• 7 :■■■•■.■■ ■'■"'■'■'■,•'•'.;■. Nelson "Evening Mail',", publishing a telegram from Sydney re the' Bat'tie of Cootamundra put the •c'pn.tefitants names ,as "Mr Holman iind John Nortbii;" ,A delicate coiniplir ment tP^ the 7 proprietor of this Journal. Sp did newspapers writjfe ibf "Mr Tliomas; Taylor and )?iclv': Seddon." It takes ;fa personality, triearr. a; plain na&'e 'without pr^nx fit ,ad«denda. 7- A. :■' ■-■■.' •: . ■*■,'.••■ „ ■/:■•."• • ■ * i . ./' ■■■■• iSaid.Sinfur James to Sjijile?sJ Bill, "'live had on earth a high <M time," ji[hM sopn;,'^ -fjakl Bill, "yo^ll . foot ; ' Wio^Bill. ; ■. : .-•/. 7! ./ ... : For all yoiit sins J and vice, and cdiacte." / '' ''You're ri^ht lor once,!' said Sinful .-■ , Jiiti, ■■-..■ .; •'■,•■■ '*■■■>..-.. ' ' ■ "I'll fooi; a Bill?'— and booted him. ■? : 7 ■. ■•-;'-•■■•■ Motueka erected a nlitfiprm, costing ' a whole £2., m. the church grounds, from /which tp hold the .memorial service, of- the late Pr©mier. JSTbw there is i big Motuekan kick over the frifktful expenditure, when the affair cpuld? have ' been . held m the cricket grpuqd and; the bandstand utilised for a/dais. ■ How soon the enthusiasm of "sympathetic 'sorjirbw sizzles sadly 'put ! . > •/ .-•■ ; ' #. 7 /"•' :; ;>, : ... ■' do' you dp , for a living V* a.isked 1 the eminent K.C. 'of a witness, '^ell," she: said, 'll'm.pnlya respectable married w'pman. I do npthing fpr a liying except eppk, wash, scrub;, make beds, clean windows, . mend my children's clothes,- mind the baby, teach tlie .four oldest ibheir; lessons, take ' care pfiny husband, and try to ■get 'enough sleep to be -up at 5 m the mpfning. More than ypu lawyers: s§7; t .7 ,*■• '7 : ' THE, FATAD SAUSAGE MACHINE ■'-./,;■ -.; ■ . .pr ... ■■» . s .THE'OLD MAN OF CHICAGO'S: 7 {? SUICIDE -I ■' 7 There -/was an -bid man pf Chicagp, Whp said, they've .placed an embargov *■■ ... On my plotted meat ! '•■ ■ '(And hie said it with. heat)', Here ?goes !J?--He was ;in the next "' : ;cargo. ■■ ' 7- ■ .. '■ .-..;■'. ■■■ : " 7' *' ■ *■■■"' * ' ■ Iq- ; a-suMrb .of Wellington. a Nonconformist congregation had the pleasure on, Sunday evening last of hearting;'a parson discourse on the reasons *^fy~Tgre!bi dpfc't go to;, church. Of course ; the parson missed the real point, which is that the church has been fpund put ! If men ate /to be Trcheisdled into church again it will be 'by a readjustment of religion to the wants of humanity. Less theology ; more humanity. There ypu have the whole secret of success, Mister Wowr ser. " . M * « Fpund m ithe/ Divorce Court corrir :dbr :— One half of the woes we suffer. Are caused by those most kind ; With well-feigned bliss, our face they kiss. And stab us deep behind., Grief is the sad unhappy birth ; Of love that trusts m vain, That which .we deem'd would glad the earth •Hath multiplied its pain. « ■ • • v Thos& Russian sailors who, desiroUs of escaping from their ship m Port Phillip, gagged., bound; and threw down the hold, the watchman, were not so dreadfully brutal, after all, e.S: might ati Dear, for- one component part of the gap was tallow, a substance of which Russians are, it *is : well known, inordinately fond ! lyiat oakum and white lead were the other parts and that the three escapees'tossed the man 28ft down the jiold 'with his hands tied him were of cpurse mere details— to gentle, civilised Russians...

i ; ' Local requirement : J "' ' WANTED, middle-aged Woman as ' Housekeeper-Cook to seven bachelors; good Wages to suitable ' wo- ;: 'man..' Write: 7- — , "Evening, Post."-! .'; 'Umce ,]■-. Sort of t reversing the condi- j ', tipns bf the poultry yard. And what a task for one middle-aged woman, Cook, housemaid, scullion, washerwo- ',. man and mender , to seven able-bodied men. Gee whiz, ! Slavery's days? were a fool to it. . '■ '.''■■' '♦''.-■• ■ • !'■'■■.. ■ . ■ 1 Marie Narelle (who, by the way, was bprna Ryan) had 'a: marvellously , successful concert season m Sydney— ■ she is a native of the south coast of N.S.W. arid made her city debut m Sydney— and had to. prolong it so as. '■/to. permit all who So wished to hear • her. ..^iAnd before she forced her way: to thi front the 'fool musical critics used to slate her, or barely tolerate, the 7~lorious-vpiced and superb woman; m a nrofTamme. Now, since she jumped right to- the top m England, Ireland and America the Sydney "critics" are fawning on her. .^Thirteen unemployed have seized a piece of church land at Leven&hultne, Aear Manchester, with a view to cultivating it for their own benefit. The" 'unlucky thirteen! Thousand to One the dear, good holy mpther ; church sets them evicted, though the land was npt utilised. There should not be such a thing' 'as church land, arivhow. There is no musical hall land or theatre laud and. these interest and benefit and employ far more than do 1 he' churches. ■ ■ ■ ' •' " •"■ : '.■•'*' ■ «.-■ ■ :.:■ • The Sydney papers agree that Miss Margaret Thomas's. 'sentf~oiz N at Her 'Majesty's was one pf the greatest and - :ir,D£t'*sir6tic)nal affairs of its ■king' ever se»n .there. ./No Svonder, for a sweeter, loYdiw, iiipre talented brTgiftied girl nov«f trod the Australian b>ards; and th» fact that 1 she is leaving the njusi©al styge, to yriiich she has been such ab. oiaameat, to marry (is her native . Wal«, by hfcr own desire) Mr Alexander Qrprdpn, K.C., of the Sydney bar, ,has further endeared the bonnie little ' lady to Sydney audiences. Her farewelling on the London boat was quite : a society .function. • .* * -.- 7 •• Are the pplice aware that quite a. considerable trade is done; m all our"' principal cities m pbscene, photographs, 'imported, from European centres of cbrruptiph ? I ' dp not speak of so-called indecent postcards, most .of which are only uidecent m the eyes of «. stupid John Dujin, but pfdpwnright horrors m lust. The fiends who sell these soul-destroying images of frenzied passion arid the fools who buy them ought to be traced and punished. Naturally : ; all such sales take place' sub rosa, -but what are the police fpr if not to drag evil doers into the light pf a justly angry public opinion? 7 :.■ , . That sweet centre pf all ,the graces, Rpxy Barton— daughter pf the manly Russell; Barton, pf Five Dock, Sydiey, and erst' South ' Australian explorer—who' has made such rapid advancement m her professipn as ari actress, both m Australia and London, jyas married m that 'city on June. .l 4 :tp. aMr Qarraway. No more amiabje, gbpd-hearted or lovelier girl ever graced the stage: than gentle, yet queenly, Roxy, whose, full name, it appears, is Roxy Claudine May. Sevprai. English illustrated papers recently published Miss Barton's pprtrait as~ "the handspmest actress pn the British stage./' • "' The new -motor, engine of. the Well-' ington fire brigade distinguished itself on Monday, while speeding to a blaze, by; skidding off the road at a curve and going thrpugh the high board fence of Basin Reserve, like a clown through a paper hopp. It alsb proved its own substantiality and the immense force a motor has at its disposal. That the men escaped damage, however, was surprising; and the accident should -suggest , care m future m rounding si.arp curves. Suppose that, instead pf a mere fence, it had dashed into a shop-front, among a crowd of people. The result would '> have "staggered humanity." .« • « The story p£ tlve naughty man who 'has to rush home thrpugfr the night, leaving his clothes m the other man's wife's bedroom, is as old as the days of Pharoh ; but it has remained for good, pious. Wussleeyan New Plymouth to provide an instance of a woman beinpr under the same painful necessity. Wifey was away keeping house for single men, the night's were cold and hubby wanted comfort, and hired it. Wifey sniffed a mice, dropped m casually at 10.30 p.m. one night recently, rained admission through an unfastened window, and —tableau ! The wife is a hearty. hale wonsn and after knocking corners off both hubby and the girl, she fired the riair into the street, he m his night-shirt and she with nothing but the rags of her chemise m her hand. Thus she had to run home, some distance away, through the frosty nioftt and under the gaze of dozens of People arpused fi'Pin their beds by the* npise. \

Those people of W&nganui, who J have to use the Magistrate's Court, '; growl deep and loud at jnaw of -the? decisions of Stanford, V S.M., and from cases brought under bur notice it. really seems hard to understand how that official arrives at his peculiar conclusions. >•, ■• ■..'"• • ' • ■ . . Robert Snodgrass, of Nelson, sends a leaflet "ppirie" m praise of New Zealand. Here is a specimen verse : The land everywhere with minerals ■ abound, , Numbers of which have already been found, • [ Such as coal and iron,: copper and • sold,, .'■■■;. And scores of millions m value been sold. Poor suffering New Zealand. Nufl sed 1 . ' ■■■ ■•.'.• * • * Sad sort of commentary on our boasted socialistic laws is the following advertisement from a southern paper: Wanted, a Baby Girl ADOPTED ; no premium ,— Adress Mother, — — Office. Oh, for a man with the wealth of a | Carnegie and a heart to tell him that maternity homes and foundling hospi r [tals, where ,no cruel prying or reproach would be permitted, are infinitely nearer to Christ's teaching than libraries that do not materially benei fit one m every ten thousand who use | them and which not one m every thousand of a big community use when they have got the chance. ■■■■■' ■■••■■ * ■ * This paragraph is going the rounds, but the real joke it contains is entirely overlooked by both papers and readers : As. an illustration' o£ how* little is known m other countries of ' New Zealand, Mr J. H. Upton, speaking at Bishop Neligan's lecture at Auckland oh Friday evening, said a firjn of "publishers m New York ' had forwarded a letter to his firm with the postcript, "We think many of our books could be translated into your language." Sure. Mike ! And its' a moral certainty that many Yankee books would require to be, to be understood. That's the joke. See ? ■* V . ■ * A woman named Florence Jane Menlove has been arrested m this city and remanded to Christchurch on a charge of bigamy. And yet Bill Shakespeare asked "What's m a name ?" Let us gently warble : Her name brings glad remembrances of when, love, We wandered 'mid the flowers 1 for ' which she's named ; Poor Florence' couldn't help herself, her name made men love^ ■ . . ' Men loved her and she loved men, i-v fond and 'unashamed. But when the cruel law chips in—why, 'then, love,' It's bigamy, an ugly word and dark look out, for women and for 7 men, love. .•■; '* • • The milk mucker is often a deplorable hpe\ be it male or female. At Port Chalmers Police Court a woman named Marion Stewart was charged wieh keeping a filthy dairy, and the inspector said he found the dairy utensils m a dirty state, and the pigs were running about. .They came into the cow shed and put. their noses m a bucket of milk. It is refreshing to add that he prevented that particular lot from going to the creamery, but how many lots similarly befouled had gone before ? As Marion was very poor and very disheartened and dejected the Bench only fined her 10s. She ought' to have got six months. Heaven only knows how many poo-r kids she has been the death of. '■-... * ' * ■ * Sad story that from Nelson of the tragedy of John Martin and his Miss Robb.\ 'John was a miner of 35, and the girl he wed 15 months ago and was so happy with, was quite young, She died from hemorrhage two days after her confinement and when Martin came to see her m her last hour he was arrested on a charge of wife desertion; it being stated he had a wife and three children at Waihi. The dead girl's mother and. sisters travelled by the same boat with the arresting constable, and their grief and horror at the developments may be imagined. Who knows what may have driven Martin, who was much liked and respected, to his course of action. Love knows no law.. • • « In Mr S. B. Canavan, Motueka has v ot a citizen who is not afraid to tackle a parson when he thinks that parson is m the wrone. It seems that parson T. Johnston, who took upon himself the ordering of the Seddon memorial service down there, limited speakers to ten minutes each and m his own discourse, which occupied 20 minutes C!) he is alleged to have deliberately nspersed the moral character of the young people of Motueka. Of course the "black beetle" denied that he had done sb but Canavan comes back at him with a letter of a column and a quarter, m the local "Star" m which he reiterates the charge and says he has received the corroboration of everyone who was at the service. The parson person must be enjoying himself.

} "^The Rev. Dr. Thackeray, "The Clerical Publican," of Hoddesdon, Harts, is rough on the total abstainer crowd. In a recent article he says :— "As- for the total abstainers, though I have the greatest respect for their ,; good intentions and self-denying efforts,' l distrust their wisdom, I despise their logic, I abominate their intemperate language, and intolerant spirit towards the moderate drinker and the publicans ; and I; protest against their wresting of Holy Scripture from its plain and obvious meaning." Holy Scripture? Holy Moses ! Mr Thackeray runs the "Pish and Eels" not j for profit, but, for what he can. do for the poor with the profit he makes out of it and to inculcate the only true sobriety— temperate use of the good the gods give us. j A poik, whose name we withhold out of pity, writes from Utiku, Ran- j gitikei, a "node" dedicated to the I memory of the late R. J. Seddon. He says "if you think, the enclosed lines good en(e)oii'g i h to insert m the j truth do so if not act youre pwen discresion. " We do. Here is a sam- j pie verse : ' The seed he has , sown a gootf fcar- -. vest will yeild, Though a few oposing serials are j still m the field, Ere long they will wither and decay j I am. sure, For such Noxious Rubbish no one > can endure". Verily, these m memoriam "poets" are enough to make poor Mr Seddon wish he'd never died* : ' A well-known Civil Servant has a;, son who' owns a dog and the other day the father met the dp" at LowerHutt, amd reasoning : that he'd be a moire companionable do*-, if he learned to fetch and carry, grabbed a chunk { of metal, and," with a reminiscence of his youthful- prowess, spat on it vigorously, shouted ■; ' ' 'Hi, good dog; fetch it," and endeavored to hurl the fragment of the tertiary stratum along the road. > The.- will was alright, but the arm had grown rusty m its socket and the "chunk of old red sandstone" flew off at a tangent and smashed a pane of glass that cost the father of the dc-s owner a quid and didn't enhance the dog's value a cent's worth ! Meeting the said boy, soon after, the irate nairent tried to bounce the quid out of him, and asked him what right had he to own such a fool dog anyway ? Parents is funny birds, ain't it? • « ■■•'•; Taihape has now got a Borough Council which held its first meeting last week and distinguished itself by getting through, a vast amount pi. work and also unearthed a couple 6 1 waggish Councillors, who got this bili into the report ; Or. Sinclair : Is it against the rules, your Worship, to "light up ?" The Mayor : Oh, yes. Cr. Ellis : If a motion is put to that effect I will move an amendment that only the very best ot cigars shall be smoked. It was decided to procure a seal and that its centrepiece should be a huia, these birds, said Councillor Ellis, were very plentiful about Taihape > some time. ago. Taihape is getting beastly respectable. "One of the^ backbone," as they love to call themselves— especially when they are bulldozing Governments for a helping hand— named R. J. Taylor, of near Sefton, was charged at the Rangiora Court with sooling, dogs on to an insurance agent, using indecent language, and assault. The trio was taken together as one case. It was proved m evidence that one C. W. Williams was trying to take the life of an 'employee of Taylor, who hunted him off the land, galloped- after him up the road, and rode over him* and his bicycle, smashing it and Williams' watch, and sooled his three dogs on to the unfortunate agent. He was fined £10 and costs on one charge, the other two being dismiss--ed, complainant's bicycle to be repaired out of the tenner. Insurance agents among the wild and whiskerous "backbone" down south have lively experiences, sure pop.. •«• m ' Why do not New Zealand farmers <plant the peccan nut for shade, shelter and ornament ? The tree is amone: the handsomest growing and the sweet and nutritious nuts would find a ready market. In the middle States and m Keiituckv and as far south as Virginia, American farmers go m largely for growing the peccan tree, .which needs no attention and annually adds lareelv to the income. Peccan nuts appear on the table of nearly air American hotels and on those of every steamer sailing out of United States ports and are much valued as an after dinner pastime and: food, by the passengers ; while farmers also find them invaluable m fattening and hardening the flesh of bacon hogs. The trees would undoubtedly flourish all over New Zealand and everything that adds to the money producing property of a farm is desirable, the more so when, it costs nothing to grow.,