SOME GOOD STORIES

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4319, 30 March 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

SOME GOOD STORIES

LANCASHIRE HUMOUR

Li a coal famine the owner of a well, filled coal bunk heard some one helping himself. “You’re pykin’ ’em out, Aw see!” lie cried. “Nay,” said the thief, ‘■thou’rt a liar, owd man. Aw’m ta’on ’em ns they come.” “How far to Bury?” asked a tramp of a, stem-breaker. "Ther's a. mile-stone doun tlieer, time con. look for tin’ sel’.”-, “But aw cannot read.” “Well, then, that, milestone ’ll just suit thee, owd lad. It’s nought on it.” When the Manchester Ship Canal was buying land an owner claimed compensation for tv valuable seam- of Coal for which he had been boring.- ‘'Have you seen men boring for coal in this field?” asked the vendor’s counsel of a witness. No, ire hadn’t seen them—though he crossed-the'field daily.-. No other answer .could be got out of him. At last the question was put in this form : —“Have you not seen men engaged in making borings.in this field?”: “Oh, ay; Aw’vo seed ’em boring.” “You have seen them boring for coal, /then?’’ “Noa, not for coal.. Aw have seen 'em boring.” “Then what .were they boring for?” “They war boring for compensation.” .

THE KAISER’S DOMESTIC JOKE. An exceptionally good story which has the advantage of being true is now circulating in Parliamentary quarters in. Berlin. . When the Eniperor William informed Herr Von Billow at Homburg that he was now Imperial Chancellor Herr Von Bulow naturally expressed his, delight, and perhaps lie really was delighted. But all at once he seemed,to be considering about something, and the Emperor perceiving this, said. “What is the matter now,- Bulow ?” The latter answered:that he had 'ust chanced to think.of his wife.' She had nothing against the Oliancellorship, but a great deal against the Chancellor’s Palace, for whilst her present homo was a regular little jewel-box the. great cleaning down in the Chancellor's Palace would not be completed before this time twelve months. ' “Give my greetings to the Countess,” his Majesty replied jocularly, “and tell her I will contribute my:part towards the cleaning down.” .. ■ Herr; Von Bulow may : perhaps have hoped that the Emperor would see that the Palace was thoroughly renovated; If so, ho was mistaken.. A few days later a very bulky parcel was left at the Countess Von Bulow.V. by the Emperor’s orders. It contained a hundredweight of, soap, the promised contribution towards the -great cleaning down. AN ASTUTE ORIENTAL. Zili-Sultan, the glcferbrother of the present Shah had often heard of boats, but had never seen one, and asked the English telegraph, men who , were, in Ispahan to bund him one, which they did. The Zil was delighted, had the river dammed, and gave a great dinner,: with fireworks, to all the foreigners, while the English showed how the boat was worked: The Zil then ordered several of his high officials to get in, and they had :foobey, in terrible tear, for'tliey had neVer seen a boat before. The more frightened they got the more lie put in, till the boat was nigh sinking.

Ho then bad it pushed out into the stream, and enjoyed the courtier’s lamentations and prayers for liberation. One man at last called . out that he would gladly give a thousand towans to be'out of the boat. The Zil, who was always keen on getting money, at once closed with him and let him out, and then went on to ransom the others, Eor months afterwards every provincial governor, 6h Visiting Ispahan, had to get into the boat,' and never got out again, without paying aooording- to his means. O’GOOLIGAN’S ARREST. : All day long the Belle, Isle policeman had/patrolled her lonely,, deserted shores in the hope of happening upon something that would help to disabuse the publj.o mind of the growing impression that the island force Has a . luxuriously idle it during the winter months. Ho almost hoped" for an attack from Wolf’s Landing, dr. some-other strategic point. Suddenly, as he "advanced toward the' Canadian shore, he diademed in the dim'Decfember /twilighh.the form, of; a man lying prphe in the muddy roadwiy. ; “Ah, ha,!” exclaimed O’Gboligah, “this is ine opporchuriity ; It’ll be th’ fursht arrist oh. Belle Eel in mauny a day,'an’ Oi’ve got a reg’lar' tapioca wid this feller;. Share, he’s did' toh th’ wurruld. Oh, moy, r oh inoy,, phwat a pionio!” *'O’Gdpligaii' descended upon his victim like a hawk down upon a hennery. He employed the usual remedial agencies to awaken drunken men, rapping upon the sleeper’s heels with his club, etc. ;"® ; ■

“Sliure, he’s well shod, annyway,” remarked O’Gobligan;- as his club gave ametallic ring with each gentle tap; ‘;oi gess Oi’ll,have teh call fer help,” , ; ; ' So O’Gqoligau went' tb the signal box and notified'the station that 1 lie needed a'carriage and'an. assistant'to'remove a '‘did' inan fornirtst th’ greenery.” He stood ■'‘at" arms”" uittil assistance' came, artd'Then thcytwo "officers' prepared *to lift the supposed l l'drurik” into the carriage. ' It.was'quife darkrioW, arid at the first touch of'the prostrate forin O’Goolignri Started ilAlarfn;.' The other officer laughed; aloud/ ; . ■ j “Wily,”’ Said' he, '“do' 1 ybu.know what you’ve done? You’ve arrested no less a person* than the’mighty Cadillac; the founder of Detroit!”' '■; ‘ ' ! ■

It was' true; Soiiie/vandal- had ;bvjsrv turned the imposing statue of the illustrious soldier, and p’Gqbligaii, deceived by the December shadows, bad'mistaken, him for a helpless inebriate. —"Detroit Free Press/’ . ■ . : IT WAS HER WAY. “I was-always discriminated against in our .family,” said impetuous Annie Fosdick in a burst of confidence to the handsome and eligible Arthur Barrowcliff. ' “How so, Miss Fosdick?” - .“Why, my elder sister had any quantity of: money lavishedl oh her accomplishments, but when it came to poor me I was left in the cold. . I wanted very much to learn toeing. I thought I had a good voice; but,pap?i said n 0...; Then! thought I’d like toi takelpianb. lessons,.and become a famous play ; er,‘but papa put his foot on that. - Then I suggested that I be .allowed to take; china-painting Jessonslike all the other - girls. .! He; wouldn’t have it. -jThe same-way with everything else. Papa 1 said he was determined that one- of his: .daughters, should learn to he, a house— 1 keeper and /not- be -filled up with-.useless , accomplishments. .• That's what he called ■ them. And the consequence is«thgt not ia girl I- know- is a better housekeeper .than I am. r -I can cook, things .-that papa says--are'betterfthanhe gets in any restaurant in the city; but I-don’t know how to phvya single-tune on ; ther—r-’,’ - - “My dear—Annie —er—beg pardon,' Miss Fosdickl”'cried"Mr'Barrowcliff, in - terrupting her., v “I-_can .control onyself ho' longer. ,„1- loyeypu to distraction. . Will you-marry-mc?” _ > ,t.\ , “Yes,- Arthur,”. replied,. Annie, coyly,- 1 .as she nestled her curly yellow head on the young man’s white-vest. . ■

BULLS—IRISH AND OTHERWISE. !

A distinct variety is the editorial paragraph or “note”-—usually anonymous, though an Irish editor recently announced in his columns that “he had never put his name to an anonymous paragraph/' just as a Queensland agricultural journal, a few weeks ago, inserted a notice that “anonymous contributions cannot he returned unless a stamped envelope hearing the name and address of the writer- is enclosed.” In an, Indian paper the singular exhibition was given of the editor and manager abusing each other in alternate “editorial notes,” and a small journal in the west of Scotland, . .which ran out of capital O’s on one occasion, and had always to refer to Oban as “The Brighton-of, Scotland,” asked in a semi-official paragraph, “would it be believed that the management of this newspaper was at present embarassed by the want of £ls ?” Similar was;another editorial announcement .. in the provinces about “cnr...wife being ill, and requiring pur continual presence at home,” ending up with allusions to an “extra edition of trouble.” A notice, to say that “we are now publishing editions between six and seven times a day'-’-was -issued in Ireland. Another editor said that “vegetable marrows are stated to-be excellent-food for pigs. ‘Never having tried .them ourselves, however, we cannot'speakTrPm experience.”

HER FATHER’S SHAME. “Ah,” cried the Duke, “I cannot marry you. No! Your social position'makes it impossible. I' am the' scdoii of an ancient -house. I ; must' remember arid respect ray ancestors. ' ‘ ‘ J “Pity. /Ha' e pity!” she ' implored. “It is alas! too trite Unit T cannot claim a noble lineage. ■ ’ ‘My' father’s name' was never associated witli that'of any actress that I ever heard of! My grandfather never got .mixed up- iiv alE'caiulal, _ either.' Neither of them ever wastedcan inherited fortune. Yes,-I eonfpss 'my, shame to yon. .But, oh, ’fie generous,' Do not spurn'me I” ; ;..V 7,. ' ' “No, no!” he gri^d; “don’t tempt me.' I cannot withstand,..your.’"tears. Can’t you see that in"spitp of h}i'; exalted station I am only a man, after all? u oh,' it must not be! Leave me,'..l pray you. Let me go. 1 mast,-—‘ “Stay! Stay!” she implored- “Think of your tumble-down castles—your ruin, ed estates. Ah, -be true to yourself. Do not; turn from mo' bdcau.se " I am. rich. Let us- wed 'fCr-' -lpvey—holy love!”' ‘ 7 ‘ i “But your father,” he bitterly, replied, “made his money in tbe lumber-busineks. If lie had only had pride enough to be a railrbad : magnate it'Avoiild - all ' be- well with ns now. -- I .could nuirry the daughter of a man who 1 -bademade-millions by transporting hogS’ aiid:--cattle-' without stooping too'-low, but 1 to. take Hie daughter.'of one who owned'sawmills- would jb.e descending -'to -the- most-’vulgar- depths. Oh,- Etiquette! Etiquette! What hearts are broken-for ; thred!’’- ■ -

1 With a long, low, J pitiful/wail'she fell prone upon-the 900 dollar tiger-skin,''and he hurried' away/ cursingt'the 1 fates for having made him-a/child 1 of•'misfortune., IT NEVER RUNS SMOOTH. This is another , affair -forO which thecrowding oh street' cars' is-responsible, A' western, yonththas been;-visiting in the eity ! , and -among' the-inevitable-con-sequences was his falling-in love with a, pretty maid /whose presence ’-he sought upon • the slightest pretext,' ’ Recently lie . took her to ;the- theatre! ’ ’ The ehb he had engaged for ■ the occasion did hot. put in ah appearance, and they helped fill thb-har in ■ whiting,' ' • : ■

He succeeded in getting her the edge of a seat hear the, front, but; was gradually prowded. ajvayi fromhpr by the lurching ja’iiu By . standing ;bn ids toes or .leaning Tpr to : one side,. Jie managed to keep her in sight, his surveillance, j'as lie was crowded farther away, requiring h ini’ to jump, up and just.. get n passing glimpse of her. On.ono of Ihese'aerial explorations, he, sa>y her rise,. ,but had no intimation of.-tjhe Tact tlqit .the. move was. to 'avoid the .pfObabilityj-of being squeezed .from, her narrow ~sent to the floor. , ~-s. . - ;; V..\.. ; "

“Getting off in-front,”- he said-to himself, as he run ■amiiok itoni-the back platform, a The cat started''before he was offy buf>this -Was -riofhhig td-au ardent ■ youth.bf'his ch-valrous disposition, and; he i landed-- bn - ' tli'e -ivbbdbn'.blocks with a momentuirii that -iriade' the dust fly, rent the krie© of bhe'Opaiit leg;-and gave him the general appearance of having come up town under a street sweeper. ! He looked hurriedly about, 'arid she was not- -there. '-‘He'-yelled' pleadingly for the car to stop and -theii : chased; it for a block, losing a yard ill every three. , While'heistoodythei'e apdi, puffed and brushed 'ana swore,,;he; thought,; he ',had his bearings apd, started,; pp. ;&,upg trot fbriier residence • bvibh9c. was \goirig epst instead., of : ii,brth.,j .At,f c j (Um.-he was down-town -oousultihg; a pi^ectpryhired a cab' arid'was 'driyeiy ; .wildly. vt to. -her home, only.' to be, 'tofd-.frpjn ia, .seoondstofy window by.,fhe. old jgeptleman. that he' was; a cad,. than he had; played-the daughter a, scurvy trick,, and that- he was riiaudlin, drunk. .Now mutual friends .arc trying to straighten things out, I •