WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4319, 30 March 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Stranger; “What are the principal objects of interest in this town ?” Citizen : “Savings bank deposits.” “What do yon think of the plans for that gigantic'corner in eggs?” ‘1 think thev are well laid.”

Young Mother (to butcher): “I have brought my little baby, Mr Bullwriukle. Will'you kindly weigh him?” Butcher: “Yes,'ma’am ; bones an’ all, I s’pose?” Little Harry: “Why haven’t we ever had a lady President, papa ?’ Papa : “Because, Harry, a man-made law makes it imperative that the President be more than 3C years old.” He : “And so she's married! Ah, well! I used to have a soft spot in my heart for her myself.” She; “Indeed! Everybody else always supposed it was in your head.” “Is you son pursuing the usual studies?” inquired the visitor. “Yes,” answered Farmer Corntossel: “he’s still pursuin’ ’em, an’ from what I kin hear, without much show of ketchin’ up to ’em.”

“What do you think of the idea of broadening the present course of school studies?” asked the facetious friend of the family. “I don’t care how broad they make ’em,” answered Tommy, “so’s they don’t lengthen ’em.’ “Our baby seems to have a natural taste for the piano.” “Indeed?” ‘‘Yes; he’s gnawed half the polish off one leg.” She; “TJiis summer-house has been the scene of three engagemelnts.” He:“Sort of match-box, eh?” “And was my present a surprise to your sister, Johnny?” “You bet! She said she never suspected you’d give her anything so cheap.” Customer : “Waiter, it is nearly lialf-an-hour since I ordered that turtle soup.” Waiter: “Sorry, sir; hut you know how slow turtles are, sir.” He: “What do you think is the most appropriate name for a girl ?” She: “That all depends upon the girl. Ycur name would suit me all right.” Teacher; “Who was it supported the world on his shoulders?” Bright Pupil: “Atlas.” Teacher: “And how was Atlas supported ?” Bright Pupil; “By Mrs Atlas, I suppose.” “There is nob much to brag about,” said the Cornfed Philosopher, “between the woman that has married the first man that proposed and the woman that has married what she thinks is the last one that will.” Miss Lafin: “What has become of Mr Clay ?” Mr Band: “He has taken employment in .a powder mill for six months.” Miss Lafin: “How strange!” Mr Rand: “Not at all. He wished to break himself of smoking.”

District Visitor: “I hear that your mother is very sad and downhearted, Mrs Smith? I expect she’s grieving for her old friend and neighbour who was buried lately.” “Yes, she fretted a deal for her, but she takes the Queen’s death to heart very bad. She says, coming so soon after the other, it makes her feel liket losing all her old friends.”

“I thought, Count, that you were a dead shot ?” “I am.”

“And yet, though yon said you would shoot your adversary through the heart, you hit him in the foot.” “It was an error of judgment. I thought his heart was iu his boots; it turned out to be in his mouth.”

A Salisbury man has a hen 39 years old. The other day a hawk stole it, but after an hour came hack with a broken bill and three claws gone, put down the hen, and took an oil boot in place of it.' A little girl was sitting at a tablet opposite a gentleman' with a waxed moustache. After gazing at him for several moments .she exclaimed: ' “My kitty has got feelers, too.” “If yon please, sir, father’s going to kiiha pig, and can yen do with a side of bacon?” “Yes, my boy,” said the schoolmaster. “Tell him to send it as soon as he likes.” A week passed away, and, as the bacon had not, arrived, the teacher reminded the boy of his order. “I eixpect you forgot to tell your father, you young rascal,” said the school- 1 master, good-humouredly. -“Oh, no, sir, I didn’t,” said the youngster. "My father hasn’t killed the pig.” “How’s that. Tommy?’ -“Please, sir, it's got better.”The schoolmaster now buys elsewhere.

A certain Manchester firm was giving away as a bonus a half-pound of its celebrated tea on a purchase of 10s. One Saturday evening one of the assistants was suddenly taken ill and was removed home in a cab. On inquiring the reason of this sudden collapse it was stated that a lady walked into the store and asked for 10s worth of stamps. It took all' there were in tho store, but the assistant wished to please the lady.. She tools tho stamps, handed over the 10s, thanked the assistant, and, waited, ‘ “Is there something else, madam?” queried the assistant., “Oh, no, replied, the lady. “That is,; nothing; ! wish to buy.”, And still she waited. .

“You gave the correct amount for the samps; .did you .not, madam ?” asked’ the assistant.

“Yes,” replied the lady. “Are you sure there is nothing else you wanted ?”, “Well, I noticed, you were giving half a pound of tea on a purchase of 10s, and Tam'waiting'for. my tea.” Thd assistant is slowly recovering.

“Speaking of over-work and underpay,’’: said the fresh boarder, although no" one had been speaking of it, “what do you think of the slate-roofers, who receive' their Salaries at a desk in the .basement?” . _ ’ But no one seemed to think of it. 1 ■ Had they applied their reasoning faculties to it they would have argued that the work was over-pay and the pay was; nnder-wfirk. But why worry about such things ? “George,” she said in a nervous whisper, ;“ycu must give me-time—you must. give me time.” “How long?” he hoarsely asked; ‘,‘a day,.a week, a month, a year?” “No—ho, Georgef,” and she scanned the sky, “only until the mo op gets behind a cloud.” “And for what else was Julius Crosar noted ?’’ asked the teacher. “His groatstrength, ma'am,” replied Johnny with assurance. “He threlvv a (bridge across the,Rhine. 7 ,-: < ■ 5

“Ah!”-said, the sympathetic, man, “I see yen have, contracted a cold.’’ “No,” answered the man who tries to .be accurate, even amid suffering, “I have firnanded it.”