Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 38, 14 October 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

Peace hath her victories. —Just.so; more fall in Love than in War.

.A man who sat upon a paper of carpet nails said they reminded him of the income tax.

Fat men do not seek greatness—it is thrußt upon them.

A capital letter.—One containing a remittance.

Why are young ladies so partial to sunset and twilight ?—Because thev are daughters of Eve

To Cricketers. —What would you give a thirsty batsman ? Why, a full pitcher. At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom ?—When long experience has made him sage. A petition to the Detroit City Government ends : ‘ And your petitioner will ever pray — if praying will do any good.’ ‘My dear,’ said a husband to his wife, * I’m going to start a coffee plantation.’ * How’ll you get the land ?’ * Oh, there’s no trouble about that; I always have plenty of coffee grounds in my cup.’ A sailor, whose sweetheart had a very handsome set of teeth, attempted to kiss her, but she eluded him and gave him a box on the ear. ‘ Just my luck,’ said the good natured sailor : * I’m always getting wrecked on the coral reefs.’

Leavenworth, Kansas, is said to boast of a man who is so tall that his likeness* cannot be got into one picture. A local artist has painted his head and shoulders, and announces that he will be continued next week.

A short time since two fashionable G erman young ladies were holding high converse over the virtues of a certain new dress— ‘ Aud does it fit well ?’ asked one, ‘ Fit as if I had been melted and poured in.’ ‘ So you are going to keep a school ?’ said a young lady to her maiden aunt. ‘ Well, for my part, sooner than do that, I would marry a widower with nitre children.’ ‘ I would prefer that myself,’ was the quiet reply ; ‘ but where is the widower ?’

A Chase in Vain. —A Boston paper says—- ‘ A horse ran away yesterday and a doctor ran, and a coroner ran, and a reporter rah also. The horse fell, the rider was unhurt, the doctor had no case, the coroner no fee, the reporter had this paragraph and that was all that came out of this runaway.’ Pupmatic. —A young lady, hesitating for a word in-describing the character of a rejected suitor, said, ‘ He is not a tyrant, not exactly domineering, but ’ ‘ Dogmatic,’ suggested her friend. * Ho, he has not dignity enough for that; I think ‘ pupmatic’ would convey my meaning admirably.’ A clergyman of Cairo, 111., expressed lately his contempt of nickels in his Sunday collection, and positively forbade any of his congregation from contributing anything under the denomination of five cents. ‘ Save your cents,’ said the good man, ‘ until you have five before you put your hands in this box. The widow’s mite business is played out here.’ An attendant at Mount Vernon not long ago observed a lady weeping most bitterly, her handkerchief to her eyes. Going up to her, he said, ‘ Are you in trouble, madam ?’ ‘ No, sir,’she sobbed. ‘I saw you weeping.’ ‘ Ah !’ she said, ‘ how can one help weeping at the grave of the Father of his Country ?’ ‘ Oh, indeed, madam,’ said he, * that’s it! The tomb’s over yonder. This is the ice house.’

The ‘ New Cut.’ —One of the shrewdest of parish beadles was Saunders Grant, village tailor at M . * How is it, Saunders,’ inquired the minister, ‘ that these two young neighbors of mine have their churches quite full, while, through I preach the same sermons that I did twenty years ago, my people are falling off?’ ‘Weel, sir I’ll tell ye,’ said Saunders; ‘ It’s just wi’ you as wi’ mysel’. I sew just as weel as ever I did ; yet that puir elf, -, has ta’en my business maist clean awa’. It’s no the sewing that’ll do, sir; it’s the new cut— it’s just the new cut!’ Mrs Grundy.—‘ What will Mrs Grundy say?’ observes “Once a Week,” used to be constantly in people’s mouths, as applied to the late editor, now dead, of a well known Conservative daily. But the phrase was taken originally from Tom Morton’s clever comedy, ‘Speed the Plough.’ The play opens with a view of a farmhouse, where Farmer Ashfield is discovered at a table, enjoying his ale and pipe, and holding the following colloquy with his wife, Dame Ashfield :—Ashfield : Well, dame, welcome whoam. What news does thee bring vrom market ? Dame: What news, husband ? What I always told you—that Farmer Grundy’s wheat brought five shillings a quarter more than ours did. Ashfield : All the better vor he. Dame : And I assure you Dame Grundy’s butter was quite the crack of the market. Ashfield : Be quiet, woolye ? Always ding, dinging Dame Grundy into my ears. What will Mrs Grundy say? The one Thing new in Paris. —The ‘ one thing new’ in Paris is declared to be the adoption of the ancient Marie Antoinette slipper, to the‘entire exclusion of the boot which has maintained its supremacy so long. The shape of this new chaussure is long in the quarter, with quilted bows and silver buckles. The price of a pair of these Marie Antoinettes, made by a first rate makei’, even in the present depressed state of trade in Paris, is not less than 16 francs, and so quickly does the eye become used to the changes in fashion that the pretty bottine, so lately deemed indispensable to ensuring admiration for a lady’s foot, is now voted clumsy and old fashioned. A new manufacture of lace hose, to be worn with pearl-colored slippers, has been demanded of the Nottingham weavers,