Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 30, 19 August 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

An. Illinois paper calls itself the Artery, in hope of pushing its circulation. A young man's affections are not only always wrong, but they are generally miss placed. A maker of gold pens advertises that fifteen, year's experience justifies him in asserting that his pens are everlasting ! Somebody who writes more truthful by than poetically, says—' Ad angel without money is not thought so much of now-a-days as a devil with a bag full of guineas.' 'A'Yankee,' observes the "Scientific American," ' will dig gardens, teach a school, preach, or even edit a newspaper, if necessary for support: but he will not be idle.'

The "Albany Express" has the following advertisement:—'Wanted an ablebodied Irishman to hold my wife's tongue —she and I both being unable to keep it quiet.'

A western lady, who had been deserted by two consecutive husbands, has contracted a third matrimonial alliance, which she hope may be permanent, with a gentleman whose legs have been amputated. * Says, Csesar Augustus,why am your leg like an organ grinder ?' Don't know, Mr Sugarloaf; why is they?' ''Cos they carries a monkey about the streets.' A brick grazed the head of Mr Sugarloaf, just as his ears disappeared round the corner of the street.

'Aplain cook with a good character; no crinoline nor long dresses; one that fears God and loves.to read the Bible,' may hear of a situation upon applying to an address advertised in an Exeter newspaper. In addition to the above accompeishments, the cook will be required to ' retire' at nine o'clock, summer and winter.

A woman who went into a photograph establishment in Broadway, the other day, to have a picture of her baby taken, gave the child a preliminary spanking, in order, as she said,' to bring a healthy bloom into its cheeks, so it would make a pretty picture.'

He took her fancy when he came ; he took her hand, he took a kiss ; he took no notice of the shame that glowed her happy cheeks at this. He took to coming afternoons ; he took an oath he'd ne'er deceive ; he took her father's silver spoons, and after that he took his leave.

' Will you take this woman to be your wife?' 'Well, 'squire,' was the reply, ' you must be a greenjun to ax me such a question ss that. T)o you suppose I'd be such a plaguey fool as to give up the bar hunt and take this gal to the quilting frolic if I wan't conscripturously sartin and determined to have her ? Drive on with your business.' A Connecticut man feigned sickness, the other day, when his wife was to be buried, in order to save his car fare, as she was to be taken to a distant place, but when it was found necessary to take a rope to hold the coffin in the waggon, as it was taken to the depot, he appeared and put in a request that said rope might be returned, as * it is handy to tie up the calf.'

A good parody was that involved in the story of a young English nobleman, with a large number of titles and a small amount of brains. Lord this, Viscount that, and so on, ad in finitum. 'My fair friends,' said the witty N—, ' one of his titles you seem to have forgotten.' 'Oh !' was the universal exclamation, ' what is that ?' 'Heis a " Barren" of Intellect,' was the rejoinder. A reliable exchange says that it knows of a boy who accidentally swallowed a silver half-dollar. They gave him warm water and tarter emetic, and antamonial wine, and poked three fingers down his throat until the boy though he would throw up his toe nails. After a while a doctor came along who understood such cases. He administered a small dose of medicine, and in less than ten minutes, the boy threw up the half dollar in five cent pieces. Science is a great thing. A man recently convicted of a crime, and sentenced to prison for a long time at Philadelphia, asked to be married before he went. So his betrothed was brought to the dock, and an alderman performed the ceremony. Then he departed to his cell and she to pass through the gloomiest of desolations —a lonely bridal.

The women-woman should make a note of this item and apply the moral. A correspondent sends it to a Delaware paper : 'I saw a hen Sunday that is a gay old chicken—half a bantam. She used to lay eggs and hatch them during the first five years of her life. She then ceased to lay—changed her manner and looks to that of a rooster, and now crows for day and all day fights the other roosters, and mates with, the hens.' A New Catechism.—Whom did Adam marry, and when did he marry her ? One Eve.—What was her bridal dress ? Barely nothing—Not even a ribbon? No, she had no need of one, she was a rib-bone herself.—When Adam and Eve were in the gardening business what time did they commence picking? In the fall. —Why did not Cain make good sugar ? Because he wasn't as well as sugar

comes from cane ; what evil resulted from this Cain's spirit? Abel got slewed.— What reason have we to suppose that Cain also got slewed? He went immediately to the land of Nod.-Who was the wisest man? Knower.-What did he know? He knew enough to go in out of the ram.