CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22344, 15 February 1936, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Bacchanalian version: A man is as oiled as he reels.

A man of 105 claims to have seen five Sovereigns. There wore a few about when he was a boj-.

A trapper says that if a bear is caught by one of its front feet, the other is used to release it. It's the paw that helps the paw.

"If I had a salary of 20 pounds a week." writes a married corespondent, "I know what I'd do with my share of it." He doesn't say, though, what he would do with about 15 shillings a week.

NO HURRY Meek voice over the telephone: " Doctor, this is Mr. Henpeck. My wife lias just dislocated her jaw. If you're out this way next week or tho week after that, you might drop in and see her." CLEAR AS MUD Mike: " What does 'not transferable' mean on the ticket?" Pat: " It means that if you don't go yourself you won't be admitted." TOO MANY " I don't think," said Mrs. Newlywed, " that I'll make a cake by the recipe that Mrs. Wigton gave me. It will be too expensive. Tho eggs alone will cost too much." " Why," asked her husband, " how many does it want?" " Eighteen —the yolks of nine and tho whites of nine." ' HOPEFUL Tobacconist: " It's no use suing you. Here's a receipt for what you owe. We'll call it paid." Customer: "Fine!" Tobacconist: "Well, what are you waiting for?" Customer: " Isn't it—cr —er —customary to give a feller a cigar wlion he settles his account?" THE ONE " Now, boys," the teacher queried, "after what 1 have explained of the lion's fierceness, strength, and daring, can any one of you name a single animal that the king of beasts stands id awe of?" Up shot little Willie's hand. " Well," the teacher asked, " which is tho animal ?" Willie (promptly): " Please, teacher, the lioness!"

A Texan has combined 10 garden tools in one, but it still isn't perfect as long as you have to go out and operate it. A golfing writer complains of players who sing during the round. Perhptps they are singing "Come, little birdie." "Shaking in one's shoes is not necessarily a sign of nervousness or fear," states a doctor. It may be merely a new dance. A gossip-note writer says that after a Turkish bath he has all the symptoms of intoxication. It certainly does make one feel rather stewed. The one and only prisoner in a Missouri gaol dug a tunnel under a wall and escaped. He had got very tired of anxious officials visiting him at all hours to count him. It is said that nobody knows the age of a certain Hollywood screen star. Rivals assert, however, that the first time she visited England she thought the Bow Street Runners were wonderful. An 18-stone missionary who has been working among tho pygmies of Central Africa said that everywhere he went groups of natives followed hiru. Perhaps even Central African natives are not so inured to the sun that they do aet appreciate a bit of shade. ANYTHING BUT Friend: " Don't you find writing a thankless job?" Poet: " On the contrary, everything I write is returned to me with thanks." DEFINED " What are gentlemen farmers?" " Gentlemen farmers are farmers who raise their hats, but very little else. ONE THEORY Foreman: "See here, Buddy, that other fellow is carrying two pieces of timber when you're carrying only one. What have you got to say?" Buddy: " Tho fellow's too lazy to go twice." SHARING HIS TROUBLES " I shall leave all my property to my wife on condition that she marries again within a year." " Why do you say that?" " I want someone to be sorry I died." THE CASH " Such an elephant must cost a great deal." " Yes; I wish I had the money to buy one." " To buy one? What would you do with it?" " Nothing. I only want the money." SEEN WORSE The sad-looking man leaned over tho banisters and caught the visitor just in time to prevent her from falling down a hole in tho staircase. * " 1. wonder," said the visitor, indignantly, " the landlord doesn't do something to repair this wretched building!" " Well," said the tenant, " he was going to do something about it until he went on a tour to Naples and saw the ruins of Pompeii. Now he thinks this isn't too bad."

The difference between a golf match and a boxing match is that you can be pretty certain the golf match will last a full round. According to a criminologist, confidence tricksters often spend months preparing to ensnare a victim and then fail. A case of all work and no prey. In a Sussex village a saxophone band of a dozen players has been formed. The local poacher and generally shady character has now lost his status and dropped to Public Enemy No. 13. "Prisons are really hospitals where crime is cured," says a writer. Warders who recently captured an escaped convict were not at all satisfied with his explanation that he was just an outpatient. "No pets, no children, and no radio," were among the terms of an agreement a tenant had to. sign for the lease of a flat. Before affixing his signaturo he admitted quite frankly that he owned a very loud pair of mauve-pyjamas and that his shoes squeaked.

MOST ANNOYING " Didn't you just love it in tho Alps?" the returned tourist was asked. "Well, I don't know," he said. "We couldn't see much—the mountains got in the way." I ' TESTING HIMSELF " Hi," shouted the greengrocer to the small boy, loitering near the apple barrel, "are ye trying tae take an apple ?" " Na, I wis tryin' not to." A FINE POINT Hairdressers, a Chicago despatch informs us, complain that " ordinary barbers in the Midwest are calling themselves hairdressers, to the great detriment of the advanced profession." Reminds us of the late Judge Joseph Quinn, of the Massachusetts Superior Court. In his Court one day the district attorney, questioning a witness, asked: " You are a barber, aren't you?" The witness replied pompously, " I am a tonijorial artist." " Well, now," put in Judge Quinn, "isn't that splitting hairs?"

A new gadget for plumbers consists of a combined spanner, wrench, hammer, chisel and screwdriver. It-is-so much more convenient to forget than a whole bag of tools. 4. ' i ■ ' ' '' "It is untrue to say that the average wife does not practise economy," declares a novelist. A husband agrees, : but» regrets that his has got a long way to. go before she is anything like perfect. "I think, coalman, there are several large pieces of coal in your cart which have fallen out of my sacks." "Oh, I'll bring 'em in, mum. And there's a bit in my eye you can 'ave as well,when I . get it out." ' ' •'./ 'ft: There is only one wireless set in a remote Central Otago township.' On hearing their first crooner, a hurriedly* convened meeting of residents-'passed a unanimous resolution that, in their; opinion the township wasn't nearly re» mote enough. Donald and Jean decided to adopt a child, and asked at the orphanage for a little girl. One was produced, and Jean was about to close the. bargain when Donald whispered, "Jean, let's have a boy. Hae ye forgotten the lad's cap we found in the'train?" • A commercial traveller who covers a large part of the Waikato on foot says no motorist has ever offered him a ride.In fact, we gather that the only lift he has ever got was from a peevish business man who many years ago was famous in the Rugby world fory his long, raking kicks to touch. LAVISH Customer: " While in New York I paid five dollars in tips alone." : Waiter: "Were you there man® years, sir?" . -j ~ '■ \ HUMORIST'S LAMENT I shot a joke into the air, And since I've heard it here and theWg In panto, filmland non-stop show, And also on the radio. THAT'S LIPE—THAT IS She nearly wed a millionaire, A sort of touch and go, She did all the touching, He did all the go. MODERN VARIETY Teacher: "Can any child give - raff »- commandment with only four words in! it? " Nellie: " Keep off the grass." - LEAPS AND BOUNDS At Manchester, the guard, finding Macpherson without either ticket or money, grabbed him by the arm and put him off the train with a well-placed kick. At the next station he found Mac* pherson again, and repeated the expulsion, accentuating the force of the ges* ture. . *t. -/ ■ At the third station the guard Was astounded to find Macpherson yefe again. Bending down Macpherson attempted to jump off the floor, high enough to escape at least part pt tlie attack. . " How far do you think you're Roma to go like this?" asked the guard. "As far as London,"-replie(l Macpherson, " if my constitution will.stauq