CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22320, 18 January 1936, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Two can live as cheaply as one, but not as happily. " I want a box of cigars, please." "Yes, madam; a strong cigar?" "Oh, 3 r es; my husband bites them so." " Moving house is always a hard day's work," declares a writer. In some cases, of course, it's a night shift. e " Was your uncle in full possession of his faculties at the end!'" "We don't know yet. The will is to be read this afternoon." " Those first few uncomfortable moments experienced by the ice-skat-ing beginner are soon over," says a professional. So is the beginner.

MODERN CONVERSATION Don't blame the girls if their voices aren't ladylike. They have to squeal to be heard above the howling radio. GLIMPSES OF UTOPIA What a fmo world this would bo if those who have money would use it as those who haven't would use it if they had it, which they wouldn't. ROMANCE Thoy glanced at one another In tho crowded subway train, Over the swaying heads ho smiled, Her eyes mot his again. His shirt and tie wore faultless, Her teeth had a brilliant gleam, For lie was an ad. for collars And she for a dental cream. NOT A DISTINCTION Tho pompous driver of the RollsRoyce and the little man with tho barrow of shrimps eyed each other balefully. They were in each other's way. but neither would make tho first move. Exasperated, tho pompous one shouted: "How dare you block my way I Don't you realise who I am? 1 have 'M.P.' at the end of my name." Quick as lightning camo the retort: "Gam, that's nothing, so's every bloomiu' shrimp oil this barrow,"

" Going out to-nijiht. Johnny?" " No, I'm going to help dad with my homework." " Uncle, you're not married, are you?" " No, dear." " Then who tells you what you ought not to do?" i ".Have you seen the engagement ring Jack gave me?" "Yes; pretty, isn't it ? I was sorry it was too large for ine!'' " Waiter, these are very small oysters." " Yes, sir." " And they don't appear to be very fresh." " Then it's lucky they're small, ain't it, sir?" Lady: ' You would stand more chance of getting a job if you would shave and make yourself presentable." Tramp: " Yes, ladv. I found that out years ago." " " When does the next train leave for Chicago?" she asked. "At 2.50, madam," replied the porter. " Make it 2.48 and I'll take it," she said absently. It is claimed that a now kind of paper, which has been treated with starch, cannot be creased. Just the paper to use when sending a stiff note to the man next door. Green: "You must be keen on the talkies, old boy, to go twice a week." Howarth: " It's not that exactly. You see, if I don't go regularly I can't understand what my children are saying."

SAME ONLY DIFFERENT " Who was the blonde you were out with ou Wednesday and Thursday?" " Oh, her? She's the brunette 1 was out with on Monday and Tuesday." LONG PROSPECT Sandy: "When is Annie McTavish goin' to let you marry her?" Andy: "It's very uncertain. Some person gavo her a big box o' notcpaper with her name printed on it. She Avon't get married till it's used up—an' she writes very few letters on account of the postage." COMPASSION A father and his little boy were having a discussion on legal matters. " What is a retaining fee? " asked the little boy. His father replied: "A retaining fco is a fee paid to a lawyer before lie will undertake to do any work for a client." " Oh! " replied the little boy, "like putting a shilling in the meter before you get any gas." GETTING IT BACK AGAIN The man in the queue: " Hullo, young Smith/Didn't, know you'd come to this!" Smith (who has been sinning to the queue'): " The explanation is quite simple. 1 was at tho top of the queue--gave all my money to the queue singers—and now I'm trying to [retrieve the price of admission!" BAD TO WORSE • After a frosty spell a householder discovered a had burst and telephoned for tho plumber. That individual was a long time answering the summons. When he did arrive ho marched into the house and said to tho owner: "Well, how's things, sir?" "Oh," said the householder, sarcastically, "we don't need you now in your rapacity as plumber, Do you happen to give swimming lessons?."

Nurse: "It's a boy!" Confirmed Golfer: "Hurray! A caddie!" " And your age is—?" asked the woman lawyer. " About the same as yours," replied the woman witness. # ' ______ An alarm clock has been invented that repeats its ring every five minutes after fiist going off. That is, if you don't aim straight. Nothing gives a girl a more natural charm than a graceful carriage, says a beauty expert. But for a boy to have charm he needs a sporty coupe. Summers: "What's the idea of calling your dog Swindler?" Winters: "Oh, just for fun. When I call him in the street, half the men nearly jump out of their skins." A writer in a contemporary says that it is possible for a woman to judge a man's character from his boots. Especially when she finds them at the bottom of the stairs in the morning. Twelve thousand packs of playingcards were recently given as guarantee for the repayment of a loan. It appears that the lender of the money insisted on having gilt-edged security.

GREEDY Two Scotsmen were watching a footbail match—ollo had a bottle, the other had only a thirst. The bottle-man was talking very largely about his knowledge of the game and what a fine player ho was himself. ' During the conversation he helped himself very liberally to the contents of his botte. whereupon the thirsty ono said: " Wool, I notice yo're a line dribbler, but ye're nae guid at passing." PLEASE WRITE PLAINLY Customer: " Why do ,\on charge twopence extra for each of my cutis?" Manageress of Laundry: " Because you make pencil notes on them." Customer: " Why should that make such a difference?" Manageress: " Tho girls waste so Uiuch time trying to make them out."

Rex: " I suppose you think I'm a perfect idiot?" Roberta: " Oh, none of us are perfect." " The musical comedy actress need* personality and a smile," says a critic. Plenty of Grin and It, so to speak. The blunt man who refuses to wratp things up doesn't always get on very well in the world. Especially if he is a shop-assistant. " Why did the new woman's club break up so soon?" "The members decided that the three oldest women should constitute the board!" Girl: What's the right thing to do if a man tries to kiss you? Grandmother (reminiscent!}*): If he knows his job you won't find it necessary to do anything. The best way to stop water from coming into the house is to spray the outside walls with an c : l preparation. Another method is to refuse to pay the water rates. Chief: You had yesterday off to go to your mother-in-law's funeral, and 1 now hear she is not dead. Clerk: Pardon me. I did not say she was dead. I merely said I should like to go to her funeral. surplus " You ain't got no brains." "Ain't get no brains? Why, man. Ah got brains which ain't never beea used." GOOD GUESS Dad: " I wonder where that step* ladder is." Mother: "Willie had it last." Dad: "Then it must be in thi pantry." AT LAST Betty: " Mother, you know tnat old vase you said has-been handed .down from generation to generation?" Mother: " Yes, dear." Betty: "Well, this generation has dropped it." NO HURRY A mother and her little' daughter hurried into church, thinking they wore late. The organist, however, was still playing the voluntary. "It's all right, • mummie," said the child, "it's only the signature tune."

THAT'S WHY " What were you driving at fifty miles nu hour for?" demanded the cop. The fair motorist smiled sweetly. " Oh, my brakes were not working right," she replied, " so 1 was hurrying home to avoid an accident." RESOURCEFUL The young constable was underfroin!* the viva voce part of his examination. " Now assume,' said the examiner, " that you are accosted by a charming voting lady late one evening, • i*no tolls "you that a strange man has embraced and kissed her. What would you do?" . The voung constable did not hesitate lone " I should—er—endeavour to reconstruct the crime with the young lady's assistance,' he replied., }