ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20602, 28 June 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Cheer tap! Even an old suit of clothes has its shiny side.

Brown: " My wife and I nover disagree." Jones: "I daren't contradict (nine, either."

" What shonld I take when I'm run down, doctor !" " The number of the car, of course."

Customer: " I want n shilling's worth cf powder." Chemist; " Yea, madarao—face, gun,.or insert !"

" Did Mr. Smith give the hrido away?" "No; ho let tho bridegroom find out for himself."

First Artist: "Sold anything lately?" Second Artist: " Yes, .my overcoat and two pairs of trousers."

Faco cream 3300 years old has been found in an Egyptian tomb. Evidently it was not of tho vanishing kind.

Ono reason why Shakespeare turned out as much work as ho did was that ho did not have to answer the telephone.

Motorists get into most troublo nowaday? uot in trying to keep op with tho Jonesoa, but in trying to pass them. '

First Zulu: Your eldest son is a bad lot. Second Zulu: Yes, I always said he was the white sheep of the family.

Now that there aro whistling golf balls the world awails a collar button that will signal from its situation under the bureau.

The mistress: " Oh, Mary, how did yon go and break that vase?" Mary: Sorry, mum—l was accidently dusting it."

She: "Is the man who gave you that cigar one of your friends?" "He: I don't know yet. I haven't smoked the cigar."

4 " Sa.y, Mom. was the baby sent down trom heaven ?' " Yes, son." " I guess they like to have things quiet np there, huh, Mom!"

Old Hen: " Let me give yon a pieco cf good advice." Young Hen: " What is it?" Old Hen: " a day keeps the axe away."

Mother: Well, Jimmy do you think your teacher likes you ? Jimmy: I think so, mummy, because sho put a. big kiss on all my sums.

Would-be Suicide: " Don't rescuo mo, 1' want to die." Swimmer: " Well you'll have to postpone it. I want a life-saving medal."

"Matrimony," says a writer, "is an institution of learning, in which a man loses, his bachelor's degree without acquiring a master's."

Jack: " What did the landlady do when she found that you had left the light burning for three days?" Spratt: J' She turned us both out."

e A critic remarks that goldfish havo proTided inspiration for three modern poets. And it was always imagined that'goldfish were such harmless creatures.

Young Man: " How much do I pay for a marriage license?" Clork: "Five dollars down and your entire salary each .vyeek for tho rest of your life."

Landlord of New House: " Glad you've stopped complaining about the plaster ' falling down." Tenant (resignedly) : " It's all down, now."

" What did the gipsy prophesy for you?' 1 "A great loss." "Has it come true?" "Yes, as soon as she had gone I missed my watch and my money."

"Five pounds! Is that all the squire is giving to the Church Fund ?" " That's all, I hear." " Why ho ought to have given fifty." "Ah,.l expect he forgot tho ought."

Mistress (engaging maid): "And whom did vou work for last ?" Prospective Maid: " You remember that Miss Brown, who died mysterious ?" "Yes." "Well, I did for her."

1 Dr. Quackster (the cheerful comforter in best bedside manner): " Pardon me bringing my bill with me, but you know how difficult it is to drag money out of any ono's heirs."

" How is your daughter getting on with the piano?" "First rate. She can play with both hands, now. Her teacher says she will be able to play with her oar in sis months."

A financial writer advises th<J people to save one-fifth of their income. As most of them are already spending about sixfifths of it, saving ono-fitth would bring them out about even. .

Client: *' She has been saying the most drea'dful things about my faco." Solicitor: " Yes, yes, I know. But I don't advise you to sue.. It would co3t you more than the whole thing's worth."

, A contractor advertised for 300 wooden *' sleepers." By return of post he received a letter from a neighbouring clergyman offering him tho wholo of his congregation on reasonablo terms.

Drunken man (calling out in Queen Street): "Henry! Henry!" Policeman: You mustn't make that noise in the street." " But I want to call my friend." " Well, don't mako so much noi3e." " But iny friend lives in Parnell."

7 " I say," cried tho bright young tiling as she dashed into the village store, " father's being chased by a bull!" "Good heavens! What shall I do, miss ?" " Give me a roll of film for my pocket cine-camera, quick!"

"1 mado two calls this morning, my dear," said tho husband, " and I must havp left my umbrella at tho second pTace." " How do you know you didn't leave it at the first place?" asked his wii'o. "Because I got it thero!"

A male cook, who has been going round a station in the South of India with the following " character," wonders that he is not engaged:—"Abdul has been my coolt for threo months; it seems much longer. He leaves on account of illhealth—my ill-health!"

Angus, a mason was slipping out of tho yard to get a " refresher" during working hours when he suddenly ran into the boss, " Hello," said the boss, pleasantly, " wero you looking for me ?" " Ay," answered Angus, " 1 was lookin' for ye, but I din't want tao eeo yo."