SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20324, 3 August 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ALL CHANGE! A man slipped on tho top stair of the tubo escalator and started sliding to the bottom. Ilalf-way down ho collided with a woman, knocking her off her feet, and tho two continued tho journey togofher. After they reached the bottom, tho woman, still dazed, continued to sit on tho man's chest. Looking up at her, he said, politely, " Madam, I'm sorry, but this is as far as I go." TOO BAD. Into the doctor's surgery walked two small boys, each with a nervous expression on his face. " Ah," began tho doctor, " let mo sec. Vaccination for you two, isn't it? Left arm, please." A look of dismay stolo over the lads' faces. " I knew it, Alf," one said. " Just our luck, an 1 we've both washed the right 'uns." FEELING HIS WAY. A suspicious-looking man approached tho front door and asked: " Are the pooplo of tho houso m ? " " Thov'ro away," said tho maid. " Have you renewed your dog licence?" ho asked. " We don't keep a dog." " I see. Aro your electric lights in order ? " " We only burn gas." " Well, I've come to tuno the piano." KEEPING IN TOUCH, The hungry man had been seated at his table for nearly an hour, and tho waiter had only managed to servo two courses. When the third arrived tho dinor thought it was time he made somo observations about tho slow service. " Waiter," he began. " would you bring mo some salad with this fish ? " " Yes, sir." "Right," continued tho customer; "and while vou'ro away you might drop me a postcard every now and then." OF COURSE. Thu old lady had just come from the railway station after her first journey for many years. As she made her way toward a motor-bus blio came across a crowd watching motor-tests. Sho gasped as a two-seater careered down a muddy slope and splashed into a shallow stream. As the car forged its way across, scattering water and slush in all directions, a light of understanding Hashed into her eyes. "Of course!" she exclaimed " This'll be one of them dirty-tracks I've heard about." A PERFECT DEMON. Robin had takon up cricket, and had discovered that he could bowl. On tho day of his first big match the family waited breathlessly for his return, but ho was late. When the vicar, who had been watching tho match, strolled past, tho anxious mother ran out to hear tho news. " How did Robin bowl ? " she asked. The vicaT coughed. " Oh—ah—ho took five wickets." "Splendid!" cried the proud parent. " Were they all clean bowled ? " Well—or—he bowled two. The third he maimed for life, and tho other two ran to the pavilion for cover." PICK ME-UP. A hard drinker was told by his doctor that he could bo cuied if every time he felt ho must have a drink ho would immediately take something to eat instead. He followed the advice and was cured, but tho habit of asking for food had becomo so fixed with him that once he was nearly locked up as a lunatic. He was staying at an hotel, and, hearing a great commotion in the room next to his own, peeped in to sec what was the matter. Ho saw, and rushed madly down to the office, shouting to the clerk : '' The mail in Room 53 lias shot himself! Ham-and-egg sandwich, please!" DANGER. Tho proprietor of the little restaurant had, for many years,' exhibited in his window tho legend " Home Cooking." Rut one day the card vanished, never to return. " How is it that you've taken down your ' Home Cookery ' notice? " inquired a customor. " Well, it's like this," the proprietor explained. " Tho neighbourhood's changed very much lately Nowadays all the houses are being taken by newly-married couples, and I noticed that when these new residents saw my card they hurried off to somo other restaurant. Home cooking called up painful memories, I'm afraid! " SOUR GRAPES. Actors all—and most of them out of work, but striving hard to keep up appearances They worb talking of the good fortune of a mutual friend who had recently fixed up a contract with a film company, when the very person appeared himself. The newcomer was full of his fresh engagement. and proudly exhibited his contract, which had been signed only that morning. Aftei listening to him reading over some of its clauses, an actor laughed bitterly: " That confirms what I have always said about a contract," ho said. " It's noth ing more than evidence of mutual distrust."

WORSE AND WORSE. Baxter was making a call on an old friend, but unfortunately ho was one of those people who, with the best intentions in (he world, always manage to say the wrong thing. " I do declare," ho said to his friend's wife, "it quite cures me to see a little of your homo life." A stony stare from his hostess made him realise he had said the wrong thing again. " Er—not that your home life is—but," ho continued—"er—cr —that is to say, it makes mo glad of my own home—er—" " Mr. Baxter " I moan," floundered Baxter, "that be it ever so humble—er—no, but there's no place—er Good-bye!" ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY. A prominent and wealthy banker had bcon ordered to an expensivo nursinghome. Ho was suffering from a nervous breakdown. His condition was so bad (hat he could not even recognise the members of his own household.

His wife visited him overy day, but although his goneral condition improved, ho failed to recognise her. Ono day, howover, ho became conscious of tho presence of his good-looking nurse, and, calling her up to his hodside, ho kissed hor. Immediately afterwards he begged her pardon for doing so. " That's all right," replied the nurse. " I'm glad to know that you recognise me. When I tell the doctor that you know mo and kissed mo it will be a feather in my can."

That kiss will be a feather in your cap?' repeated the patient. " X es ' Bl,ro 't," she replied. Come back here." ho brightened up suddenly, "and I'll mako an Indian pridcojs out of you."