ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20324, 3 August 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

May: " Is "the ring Dick gavo you net ;rith precious stones?" Mavis: "Yes, precious few."

First Old Lady: " I think the modem pirl looks hungry." Second Ditto: " Sho js, my dear."

" Harold proposed to me in a movlngtpictbre theatre." " Rather a leap in tho idark, wasn't it?"

Women may be divided into threo classes, the beautiful the intelligent, and jlho vast majority.

Schoolmistress: "What is a costume, Xucy?" Little Lucy (brightly): "That's £ habit ono gets into "

"Magistrate: "And you had words with your wife about it?" Dofendant: "No, fcir. Not with 'er—from 'er."

Youthful Questioner: "What are diplomatic relations, father?" Father: "There (Rre uo such people, my boy."

Small boy (in hosier's shop): " I want ft collar for my father." Assistant : "Que Jiko mine?" "No: a clean one."

Leading Lady: "I could hardly get toy slippers on this morning." Chorus Girl: "What? Swelled feet, too?"

Click: " Have you ever noticed that Successful mmi aro bald ?" Clack: ?•' Naturally; they como out on top."

A: "Do you remember to water tho plants now youi wife is away?" Z: '' Yes, I keep them in the bathtub."

Fortuneteller: "I seo a handsome man —dark—" The Client: "Oh, but he's fair!" " —dark clothes, fair 'air."

First Benedict: ''Do you talk in your sleep?' Second Same: "No; my wife says I'm perfectly exasperating—l only emile."

, Father," said the little boy at the seaside, "do donkeys have wives?" "Yes. my boy," replied father, " and only donkeys."

Sho (archly) : "Promise mo you -won't 101 l anybody we're engaged." He: "I don't know anybody you haven't told already."

" Iceland," said the teacher, " i 3 about as largo as Siaru." " Iceland," wroto little Leslie afterwards, " is about as largo as teacher."

Riff: "I lost a fortune last month." Raff: " How did that happen V " I proposed to a millionaire's daiightor and she rejected me."

Man in Barber's Chair: " I want you to understand that I'm a man of few words." The Barber: "1 understand, sir. I'm married, too."

Carpet: "I know a man who is your double." Slippers: "Great guns! I nope you haven't paid him that ten shillings you borrowed."

Dora: " I think the man you are going to marry is a fine-looking fellow." Delia: ?' Ah but you should have seen the ono that cot away."

Dora: " Dad hafi the last word in an argument with mother, as usual, last night." Doris: "As usual?" "Yes; he apologised again."

Kind Old Lady: "I suppose when you grow up you want to do something for humanity." Tiny Tot: " Yes, I want to be a b3a example."

Hardy: " Are you going to have detectives watch your daughter's wedding presents?" Willis: "No; the instalment men will see to that "

Voung man: "I'm thinking of going into business for myself, teaching modern dancing.*' Old Man: "I wouldn't do it. It's a shaky business."

Fond Mother: "What's the matter, my precious''" Her Precious: "I don't lik'f my cake." " Then don't pat it." " But I havo eaten it."

Scribbler: " I wonder if I'd have better success with my articles if I had them typewritten?" " Heavens, no! Then the editors could read them."

Well-dressed young man: "I don't know whether to go to the wedding or not." Pretty Companion: " Who's getting married?" "I am."

"Aro rosy checks a sign of good health?" "I should say they are." " Well, I saw a girl tho other day who was a lot healthier on one side than the other."

Two women met in the street-. "My dear," said one, " your hat is becoming—" Then, as tho other began to purr, she continued: "—quite a means of identification."

While working at, Luss, Loch Lomond, a gravedigger turned up an old Scots gold coin. At last we understand tho song about " Tho bonny banks of Locti Lomond."

Tony (impersonating Undo John): "Now, what shall wo do?" Mollio: V I'll ask you some difficult questions. Then you bavo a fit of coughing, liko uncle does."

Little Lucy (who has been punished for answering back): " I can't think how it is. mummie, you can be as rudo as you like to me and nobody says a word to vou about it "

" My worst criticism of women is that thiiv are naturally unifortnalv. and persistently illogical." " You mean to say, then, that it wouldn't be logical for a woman to bo logical."

Office Typiste: "That girl is as good as a circus. Think of her being engaged three times this year!'' Her Friond: " Well, she wouldn't be an up-to-date circus without three rings."

An exlrcmly large lady entered a big store, and a rather young and tactless assistant came forward. " I should liko tp sco a jumper my size." said the ladv. So should I, madam!" answered tiie girl.

Facetious ono: " Why so gloomy, old chap. Gloomy Ono: "Just heard my uncle has cut me out of his will. He's <i.tered it five times in the last two years." Ha. Evidently a fresh heir fiend—what ?

An ex-Member of Parliament was be moaning his fate in the olection. " Don't tske it too much to heart," advised a friend. "After all it's not a serious matter." " Not serious," ropeated the foriorn legislator. " Not serious . . to bo blackballed by th© best club in the world ?'